A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating a very nice man for 2 months. I have worried that he doesn't seem to have feelings for me--at least not on the level that I'm feeling. I talked to him about this on Saturday. He said he has been told by others that he is emotionally unavailable or unattached. And he did not take the opportunity to tell me that he cared abt me when I told him that. I think part of this is because he has only been divorced for a year (while I have been divorced 4 yrs)--and he still has a lot of issues including feeling very hurt that his wife cheated on him for over a year preceding the divorce. We are at different places in that I am ready for something more permanent and secure--I'm tired of the casual dating thing.My question is this--should I continue seeing him and hope that he will eventually develop feelings of love for me--or should I get out now? The other issue he has is one about sex. He will act like he wants to have sex with me (and we have, even though only 4 times) but he feels guilt, like it is wrong--because he is seeing a Christian counselor. I spent the night with him (he invited me)--and was prepared to just go to sleep and not try anything sexual and he asked why haven't I been aggressive sexually. I said I wanted to respect his beliefs, and he said I misinterpreted what he said and made it obvious that he wanted sex. I think he is conflicted about this too. He even said if he gets remarried--ok, and if he doesn't--that's ok too. The Christian counselor told him that he shouldnt have sex outside of marriage. So I guess if he doesn't get married, he should never have sex again. Why would he tell me that he feels like a hypocrite when he goes to church after having sex with me--but then still act like he really wants it? I don't know what to do, but this is torturing me. I feel like he doesn't respect me since I did have sex with him, even though he did a lot of heavy kissing and even instigated the sex in the first place. Its killing me too that he never says anything abt how he feels about me. (maybe he doesn't feel anything)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2009): You are expecting too much for such a short period time. Two months is nothing time wise! I fear that your sentiments expressed to him have put a real damper on the possibility of any future in the relationship. You don't ask WHY when no feelings have been expressed unless you want to get hurt. His initiation of sex was only based on physical need.
This man is on the rebound and is not over his marriage. Your analysis of that is "right on." It took me 8 years to get over a 35-year marriage. Move on! Nothing will work with this guy. You would only be wasting precious time.
Next time don't try to move in so fast. Wait for the guy to talk to you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2009): Thank you Gina, for your kind and insightful answer. Yes, you are right--he was married for 19 years (I was married for 18). I know I am wanting too much too soon--I just wish he could at least tell me something like "I care about you--and I want something long-term with you--but I'm just working through a lot of issues, so it will take some time before I can really love you." Since he isn't telling me anything about his feelings for me, it makes me feel like I'm just someone he is dating for the moment and he's waiting for something better to come along. He does seem to have gotten really "comfortable" in our relationship already--doesn't go the extra, doesn't take me out on dates--I think the "newness" has somewhat worn off already for him, although it hasn't for me. Which worries me too, that he will be ready to move on to someone else to get that feeling.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2009): Thank you for your kind and insightful answer. Yes, you are right--he was married for 19 years (I was married for 18). I know I am wanting too much too soon--I just wish he could at least tell me something like "I care about you--and I want something long-term with you--but I'm just working through a lot of issues, so it will take some time before I can really love you." Since he isn't telling me anything about his feelings for me, it makes me feel like I'm just someone he is dating for the moment and he's waiting for something better to come along. He does seem to have gotten really "comfortable" in our relationship already--doesn't go the extra, doesn't take me out on dates--I think the "newness" has somewhat worn off already for him, although it hasn't for me. Which worries me too, that he will be ready to move on to someone else to get that feeling.
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