A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Okay, a very tricky question here. About a year ago my 24 years old my daughter suddenly developed diabetes type 1 - yes, type 1 where you have to take insulin - and ever since then she has to take insulin shots 4 times a day. We have no history of diabetes on my or her father's side of the family, so we were completely shocked.She doesn't live in the same city as me anymore but graduated in a city over 200 miles away and lives and works there now. Generally we have a great relationship but it has been made tricky since she moved to uni. over 4 years ago now. I don't see her very often as she is working full time. She has considered moving back, which I would love and I don't want to upset her. The problem is this - when my daughter visits or vice versa, she shows no hesitation in injecting herself in public. For example, if we go to a nice restaurant for dinner she will inject herself with insulin at the table - sometimes fairly discreetly, but I do feel that sometimes she does it almost to shock people sitting nearby. She does this without any warning and it can be visually quite shocking to see.She found it very upsetting coming to terms with being diabetic and quickly got tired of having to find a women's loo/toilet/bathroom to go and inject herself after a meal, often complaining that places were dirty or that it just was not nice having to go to a toilet each time. I think that she is still coming to terms with it and part of that process may be that she wants to dispel myths surrounding diabetes and making it more acceptable. However, I personally find this practice of public injecting to be very uncomfortable/disconcerting. I don't mind in private, at home, not at all - but I do mind if it is in front of other people that we are not close to or don't know and if it is in public - I don't think it is at all nice for people to see someone grab handfuls of their bare flesh and inject themselves in a restaurant or bar. I would personally prefer if she was discreet about this, but when I think about it I wonder if I am really in the wrong here. Its a very tricky situation and not one that I have approached her about. I am open to the idea that I may be totally wrong here.I'm aware, for example, that for me it does trigger memories of my father suddenly injecting himself (not with insulin, for another reason) when he was ill, in front of myself and a boyfriend when I was an adolescent - but whilst we were all watching TV - I really found this quite horrible as it involved my father having a tube coming directly out of his stomach and our house was a total dirty mess. our family life totally dysfunctional and I rarely ever brought anyone home - the boy in question was from a very classy, wealthy home with nothing out of place. I could tell that the boy was absolutely mortified and so was I. I also felt that my father did this as a territorial or angry gesture at the time, deliberately wanting to shock the boy or to make him uncomfortable. I get a similar feeling somehow with my daughter - that underneath this gesture there is an anger, or a resentment about her condition and a desire to almost shock people who don't have diabetes into thinking more about the condition.Maybe I am being snobby? But surely, if you are out in company, whether it is to do with diabetes or not, the point is not to make anyone feel uncomfortable in your presence? Then again, I agree that my daughter should not feel ashamed in any way about her condition...what do I do here? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, spanishquerida +, writes (29 October 2012):
Normally I don't post answers to questions, but I must admit this one hit me quite hard and quite personally. I have been a Type 1 diabetic from the age of 18, and no one in my family had had it either. It came as a shock to me and my entire family. What made it the hardest for me was that my parents tried to make me feel as though I was not normal because of it. I was not allowed to inject myself at the dinner table when out because it was not seen as something "normal people would do". Now I know that that's not what you're implying, but she may feel that you are being judgemental about her injecting in public. So what did I do when I felt like this? I didn't inject. I didn't like making people feel uncomfortable and I didn't want to upset my parents so I never injected. I ended up in hospital for a very long time and have consequently damaged my kidney for life. When I inject nowadays, I do do it in public, and you know what? Hardly anyone even notices. I lift up my shirt JUST enough to inject, I pinch the tiniest amount of skin, I inject and after ten seconds it's done. It's not rude. It's not direspectful. It's impractical to say "oops desert is here let me rush off to find a bathroom". I've had one man come up to me and ask what it was I was injecting, and when I told him he said he admired that I had the courage to inject myself as often as I do (4 times a day, the same as your daughter). He did not judge me negatively - he was impressed.So stop judging your daughter - it seems like you are the one that's uncomfortable with it, not the onlookers. They're probably just curious. You should support your daughter and BE PROUD that she is injecting properly and taking responsibility for her diabetes. I didn't and I've suffered the consequences. Be proud of her, please. It means more to her than you realise.
A
female
reader, Candid Cally  +, writes (29 October 2012):
As long as she is discrete and discards her needle appropriately in a medical waste or sharps container, I don't see any problem with what she is doing.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2012): Dear CindyCares, Cerberus and chigirlThanks for taking the time to respond, I do appreciate it. Cerebrus and CindyCares I really appreciate your thoughtful responses and yes, it has convinced me that my reaction is more to do with this much earlier experience that I had with my father, rather than it being about anything else - I think after what you said I realised that this is somehow triggering a lot of painful memories for me. As I said, I was totally open to being "wrong" on this one and I honestly am glad to feel that my opinion about this has now changed entirely thanks to your views.chigirl, I usually really, really respect all of your answers on this site and this time is not really an exception. It is always very difficult to tell via writing/online formats, but I'm not sure if you were just being humorous or sarcastic with me - if there was some sarcasm there then it's not really needed - I wouldn't have written in at all if I was totally close-minded to other answers and I do appreciate your viewpoint, but... sarcasm..? It's very sad and painful watching your own daughter have to do something like this and there are a lot of confusing emotions involved for both of us, some of which involve me feeling protective of her and some of which are just difficult to process and still a bit muddled. That's why I wanted help with this. But yeah, overall, maybe I should be a bit more brave about not giving a monkeys about what other people think - as a single parent family that's been on the receiving end of all kinds of negative judgement I've maybe become a bit fearful of that, for my daughter's sake as much as my own. With that all said, I personally would still want to do this in private - that would be my own choice, but I now totally respect my daughter's and the fact that she has her own life and her own viewpoints is now more reinforced for me. Thanks for your response.
...............................
A
female
reader, carebare  +, writes (29 October 2012):
I have found that people are very gracious and accommodating when it comes to other people's illnesses/diseases/disabilities. It's just insulin and diabetes is fairly common; most people know what it is and will not be disgusted or offended to see someone doing something to treat their illness. I suspect that you feel this way because of your past experiences with your father's injections but (I really do not mean this in a rude way) it is YOUR issue. As long as your daughter isn't making a big dramatic production about it, I don't see why you need to address this with your daughter at all.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (29 October 2012):
 Oh yeah, I just remember I did have a friend back in high school with diabetes, who had to inject herself. She would also just do it then and there, but there wasn't any "handful of flesh" or "shocking" value to it. She just did it, it was quick and over in no time, and no one in the room would bat an eye lid.
People don't care, nor have I seen anyone who would find it shocking.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (29 October 2012):
" I don't think it is at all nice for people to see someone grab handfuls of their bare flesh and inject themselves in a restaurant or bar."
You're entitled to have an opinion. But not more. Your daughter clearly is of a different opinion... and, as it is not illegal to do what she does, and she is an adult who can do whatever she wants... Sorry, but if you don't like it you'll just have to look away.
You could try telling her it makes you uncomfortable when in public, because people stare... but what are you afraid of really? You don't have a problem with this at home, so to me it sounds like you're just worried about what "people might say and think". Which is shallow grounds to base an opinion on. What if others don't mind, and you're the only one bothered by it?
I'm lactose intolerant, so occasionally I take pills so I can eat food with dairy products in them. Maybe it looks like I'm popping pills, what would people say, sitting at the restaurant table next to me? Should I run to the bathroom just for a small pill? If people are silly enough to think I'm doing drugs in public then really.. That would say more about them than me, wouldn't it?
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (29 October 2012):
 OP, it's diabetes - and it's insulin we are talking about.
It's not Uma Thurman shooting heroin in Pulp Fiction !
I think that your daughter has any right to take care of her health and manage her symptoms any way she sees fit.
As for the " shock value " and the " handfuls of bare flesh " ... frankly I don't know what you are talking about. Unless your daughter makes apoint of making a major dramatical production of it... which in practice would be also difficult, I think. I 've got a friend who has diabetes type 1 and he too has to inject himself insulin every 4 hours, and sometime he does it in public too-it's quick, discrete, barely noticeable, -just a split second prick with one of those small syringes for diabetics. It's not like has he has to tie a rubber lace, and painstakingly search for a vein, and inject himself slowly with one of those huge old glass syringes , extracting a bloodied needle at the end.... Unless your daughter has a special type of diabetes that requires special medications, for what I know and see , taking insuline nowadays is barely more noticeable than swallowing a pill.
I really think that you have nothing to worry, and that if you DO worry about this, you shuld not mention it to your daughter, she may feel bad that, on top of having diabetes, she is also an embarassment to her own mother.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2012): Before I give my opinion I'll ask a rhetorical question, what's more important your daughters comfort and happiness or the sensibilities of complete strangers who don't matter a damn to you?
OP there is no right or wrong. You feel it better etiquette to do this in private, she feels injecting herself in a piss smelling, germ infested bathroom is degrading and I tend to agree with her.
OP it's not your problem what other people are sensitive to or feel uncomfortable about, you don't know them, they don't matter and frankly everything makes everyone feel uncomfortable. I mean how comfortable do you feel at a restaurant when there's a toddler there running around, wailing and screaming and being shouted at by their parents? How comfortable would you be sitting at a table beside someone who has a very severe disfigurement? Or seeing a couple get very frisky and sexual? Or sitting on the bus beside a person who is filthy and smells like piss? What do you do in those circumstances? Nothing, you politely let people get on with their lives and their dinners and that's that. Quickly injecting yourself with your life saving medicine is far less off putting than any of those things. You could argue it's not the same but personally I think when it comes to public perception it is. Screw strangers, don't like what you see? Look the other way.
When it comes to public perception I always remember the young mothers I know and their experiences and frankly after seeing the bile and abuse they got from just feeding their hungry babies I literally do not give a damn what any stranger thinks in public.
One time I was sitting with one in a mall and her baby was crying, lots of people kept giving her dirty looks that time, so she decided to breast feed her child there and then, pretty discretely too, she was well covered and her breast was pretty much not visible. Yet people were staring her at he like she had two heads and some old bitch actually came over and called her a disgusting disgrace. Told her she should have some manners and go into the disgusting public toilet to feed her child. So I told her we'd do that when she eats her dinner in the toilet, she even called over security and made a big ass embarrassing fuss and they told her they'd do nothing because it wasn't against the malls policy.
I mean come on OP, takes a couple of seconds to inject insulin, people don't have to look if they don't want to, they will probably never say anything even if they are uncomfortable and if they did, who cares? I see people picking their nose and eating it in public, I see people shitting in alleyways, couples getting very handsy, ratbag little brats screaming and crying, wasted drug addicts covered in their own filth, etc. in public. That's just what being in public is all about, injecting with insulin is very much on lower end of the scale of public discomfort. The last thing your daughter needs is to feel like a cast away that has to hide away and inject herself with a needle full of shame.
This is her world too and her comfort should be far more important to you than what a bunch of tight-ass strangers think is appropriate.
...............................
|
