A
female
age
30-35,
*mjo
writes:Ive become very paranoid. Basically I'm the complete opposite of my new boyfriends ex. I'm only his second serious relationship so I feel like I'm always being compared to her. She's blonde and wears a lot of makeup whereas I have reddish brown hair, that I usually leave natural and dont wear much make up. All his friends talk about her a lot and he mentions her a fair bit too. I was hurt a lot in my last relationship and now I'm really paranoid about this one. Ive spoken to him about it but I cant quite seem to explain it right and he doesnt seem to get it...Any help on how I can over come this? thanks. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Emjo +, writes (13 June 2011):
Emjo is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you all for this advice. knowing im not the only one has been a great comfort. He broke up with her about 9 months ago if that helps at all. Another thing that bothers me is we sometimes go to the same cafe she goes to, i pointed out that it made me uncomfortable and since then we haven't been but he still goes with his friends when im not around, which increases my paranoia. His friends all say she was no good for him but why do they still keep mentioning her?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2011): I've been through this same thing myself and I know just how crummy it feels. You're self esteem really takes a nose dive.For the first 3 or 4 years of our relationship my husband prattled on about his ex and did make direct comparisons between her and myself with me usually coming out on top. I was 'the breath of fresh air' according to him, his family and everyone who knew her. I was better looking, nicer, blah blah blah. They all loved to talk about her and talk about her they did - every chance they got, even if only to criticize her (I thought they were a bit harsh but then I didn't know her as well as they did). That didn't matter to me. What mattered most was that he didn't see me for ME. He only saw me for how unlike her I was. The fact that his comparisons were normally in praise of me in his mind justified talking about her.Like you I invested considerable time and energy trying to explain why this was bothering me. If only I could find the right words, pick the right time, he would get it. Pffffft. WRONG. His attitude was dismissive at best and openly hostile at worst. At one point I put my foot down and said I didn't want to hear her name again. The arse took me literally. He continued talking about her but substituted her name with 'someone else'. Every time I suggested an outing he'd already been there with 'someone else'. 'Someone else' did this, knew that person, went there, wore this and so on.We stayed together for twenty years but the damage was done in the first four. We never recovered. Like the female anon before me, if I could go back in time, knowing what I know now, I would have dumped him on the spot. I would not have waited weeks, months or years.Do yourself and him a favour and stop trying to convince him WHY this bothers you. As long as he doesn't 'understand' and as long as you're prepared to keep explaining it to him, he thinks he has a free pass to keep jabbering.All he needs to know is that it does and if he doesn't stop, the relationship is over. You're going to have to be unapologetic and unsympathetic. Keep it short and sweet. NO MORE EXPLANATIONS OR EXAMPLES.I don't think he is still in love with his ex, but I do think he has some issues to work out, like anyone would after ending a relationship. His limited experience and how soon afterward he started dating you (am I right on this?) has lead him to vomit out those issues on to your relationship.
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A
female
reader, adamantine  +, writes (13 June 2011):
 If he's still talking about his ex around you, in a way that makes you compare yourself to her and feel lesser than you should, you need to tell him straight up.
If he can't kick the habit, then you need to leave. Why subject yourself to this? If the talking about the ex doesn't stop, it's apparent that he isn't over her and you're fighting a lost cause. Separate yourself from that and look for someone who will treat you the way you deserve.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2011): I am four years down the line from where you are right now. Four years ago, I started going out with my guy, and slowly I learnt information about his blonde partner who wore make up (I'm also brunette who doesn't wear anything other than mascara). But that wasnt the end of it. Over the coming years, I learnt more and more about her, and he would talk about her a lot of the time. Slowly, certain comparisons were made. Not by him, but by myself. Once he said his ex's butt was perfect. A few months later, he happened to mention that my butt was too skinny. So even though a direct comparison was not made, the damage had been done. She was somehow better...
If I could, I would have gone back in time and told myself to leave the relationship. It takes a strong person to over come this, I'm not one of them. The best thing I can tell you to do is leave. Even if he doesnt compare you, you always will and she will always come out better, even if logic dictates thats not the case.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2011): Sounds like he is on the rebound and still hooked on his ex even if he says he isnt. Rebound relationships often end in heartbreak and I think you are being realistic and not paranoid. His heart isn't open to someone new and he is using you to recover and as a distraction to get him over her.
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