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female
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anonymous
writes: Few questions, same situation -- I had a miscarriage. It was a 2 to 3 day span of events, none of which I told to anyone. Well, I feel bad now that I'm not more upset... It was a person, or it would have been at some point, and it's gone... Yet I don't feel my world is over, I am sad but I'm also relieved because it's really not the time for a baby right now. I feel crappy that I'm relieved - is that normal? I feel empty and detached, but not very angry or depressed. I want children, eventually, but is it normal to feel this way about this?I need him, but I am scared. How do you tell your boyfriend something like this? What do I say, we're stupid and I got pregnant but it's okay now because I'm not anymore? I need him most right now and I have this sinking feeling if I tell him about it he will leave me.. Is that just from already being in pain, or is it low self confidence, is it because I already feel worthless? Or do I feel like it will scare him away, the reality that I could get pregnant unplanned, and it could seriously mess up his current life?Background: We've only been together for 2 years, we're slightly long-distance (we only see each other once a week), but it works out for both of us. I feel loved by him, and secure, and we fight sometimes but the fights don't overwhelm us. We've never been faced with this kind of issue together, and while I am confident he would support me through almost anything else, I am so much less confident about this. It's such a huge thing, and it concerns both of us. It's the knowledge that something could have happened (neither of us are financially ready for a kid, and I still have to finish my degree). I'm just very scared of how I should tell him, and what expectations I should have when I do tell him.
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female
reader, wishes +, writes (22 March 2006):
 You have brought up two issues here. One is how you are feeling about the miscarriage and the other is telling your man.
Do not feel guilty at all about how you are feeling. This wasnt the right time for you to have a baby, and things happen for a reason. If you didnt miscarry, you would have grown to love the baby inside you and become a great mother to it on the outside world. You will eventually start a family when the time is right. You know this, and thats why you dont feel too bad about this loss. Please try not to stress over it. You cant feel what you dont feel.
With you boyfriend, you really need to tell him. You need his support through this, and I believe that if he really loves you, he wont leave you for keeping the news from him. Start off by saying that you have something to tell him. Say that you wanted to tell him sooner, but wanted to wait until you knew how you felt and it wasnt something you could tell him over the phone. Whatever you do, dont say "I got a positive result" and leave it to see his response. The fact that you were pregnant and had a miscarriage need to be dealt with in the same sentence so that he doesnt try to deal with the idea of being a dad just yet, only to have you take it from him in the next sentence. Be honest with him. Say that you havent spoken to anyone about it, and have had a really hard time with dealing with it, and are only now seeing that hes the only one that can help you through it. Let us know how you go. Best wishes x
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2006): Sorry for your loss. There is no right or wrong way to feel as it is different for every one, dependent on their circumstances and stage in life. It is a very difficult situation and can be upsetting, but one that hopefully you can recover from. I feel that you should tell your boyfriend a relationship is not just about the good times, it is the difficuties that life sends our way which help us to grow. He may be upset that that you did not allow him to help you through this. You are both in it together, you did not get pregnant on your own!!!. Good luck
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