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age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I had the most wonderful relationship with a wonderful girl, and now's it gone. I loved her so much, she meant the world to me. Waking up beside her was the finest thing I had to look forward to. She suffered with horrible emotional trauma from the past. Rape, and physical abuse at the hands of three seperate men. I loved her with all I my heart, and I did everything I could to make it better for her. I took on her pain, I felt her agony deep in my chest, and I was happy to help her carry it. Before me, she hadn't told a soul. But she decided that she didn't want to be with me, and that she was in love with another.Everthing I had to give just wasn't enough. I still love her, and she deserves happiness, even with another man. I'll admit that I had saved money for weeks to take her where she had always wanted to go, and when I had to cancel the plans I had made for us, I almost died. The problem is, is that I can't put down her pain, I'm still carrying what she suffers with. I can't stop loving her, and I still feel guilty that I couldn't help her, and that I wasn't there to protect her. My faith and trust in people is completely gone.I tried so hard to show her love, so hard. But I was shown that my love is worthless. How do put down her pain without feeling as though I betrayed her? How do I trust again? I'm holding the pieces of my heart, and her ghosts, how do I throw both away?
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2010): I am sorry you are experiencing so much pain. You clearly care about this girl a lot, and you have a massive heart. You did a lot for her.
I think you probably DID help her, more than you may realise. Before you, she had told nobody about what had happened to her. And then you came along. I think she probably felt an enormous amount of relief in simply sharing it with someone else. I experienced abuse when I was younger, and I was only able to put it to rest when I was 16 and had told my first boyfriend what had happened. We didn't stay together, but he helped me a lot simply by being there and caring, and I am grateful to him for that.
I suspect the same may be true here. It must be upsetting that, after everything, she does not want to be with you, and has found someone else to be with. It must hurt. But she is obviously moving on, and you can and will too. Yes, she deserves happiness, but so do you. She has been through terrible things, but she can get through it. You helped her enormously, and may have started the healing process for her.
Ultimately, no matter how much we care about someone and want to save them, want to help them and heal them, each person is responsible for themselves. Only we can heal our own pain and wounds. And so only she can deal with her problems, whether it means seeking more help from a professional, telling family, seeking comfort from embracing a particular faith, or whatever. But you are not responsible for her happiness. Even if you want to be, you cannot take her pain away and make her happy. It comes from within ourselves.
You have not betrayed her, and your love was not worthless. If only you could see this situation as I see it right now. I think you gave her a wonderful gift by loving her and supporting her. It is very sad that she is not staying with you, and is finding happiness with someone else. It is painful, I know. But you can feel proud that you played a big part in this girls life, in helping and comforting her, and by showing her love. You were an extremely positive influence on her life. Even if she may never tell you or thank you for it, believe it to be true.
So let go of any guilt you may feel, it is not necessary. And then believe that you too deserve happiness. You too can move on, and that is okay. You are not chained to this girl or her past or her pain. Release it, knowing that you played your part, and you did a wonderful and healing job.
If you find that the pain is too much to bear though, then please do consider getting some professional support. Good luck.
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