A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm so fed up with my guy right now for not taking any interest in my worries or insecurities, he is entirely blameless for me feeling this way (so he thinks) he won't see anything from my point of view, I was once a cocky confident person, now I'm so insecure about my relationship as my guy won't ever reassure me that I'm all he wants, how beautiful I am or even say words you need to hear from time to time, yet I see him eyeing up women when we go out together, yet he rarely looks at me and denies this when I confront him, blatant lies, knowing he has been sussed, I worry that he will stray if he hasn`t already as I suspect he has, but I haven't got proof as yet (working on this) can anyone advise me what I should do next as I love and want this guy, but things have to change for it to work out.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2007): Honey, if you think you boyfriend is there to prop up your flagging self esteem, then you've only got yourself to blame. A relationship is a working partnership, not a girlish romantic fantasy. He doesn't have any obligation to support you - your feminist sisters have made sure of that - so you have to find your strength as a woman on your own. If he chooses to support you, then you must respect and value that gift for the rest of your life. If, however, you live in constant expectation that he is obliged to support you and then he doesn't, then you have an emotional dependency on him, not a relationship. If this is the case, perhaps it is time to stop being selfish and time to grow up. You can't expect equality in a relationship while you are emotially dependent on him. You'll lose his respect if you stay this way and one day you'll wake up and he'll be gone.
A
male
reader, sixth sense  +, writes (29 June 2007):
You must communicate your feelings to him. And you must not always assume that he is cheating. Sometimes a relationship is in trouble and the wandering eye emerges. You must find why you two aren't connecting and if he can't tell you why or refuses. Then you must end the relationship.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2007): You need to appreciate that men and women are different in the way that they respond to each others needs. You say that you are fed up with him not taking any interest in your worries and insecurities but I would guess it is more that you are not effectively communicating with each other so you are misunderstanding one another, this is far more likely than him just not caring about your feelings.
When women put their worries and insecurities on to men, men feel that they are being asked to come up with solutions to fix that unhappiness. If a women is too needy or insecure this can be too much pressure and they distance themselves and feel that they are failing in the relationship as a man, that is why you are experiencing emotional distance from him.
Whilst a man should be there for your emotional needs, you need to be careful about how vulnerable you are to him. You need to have female friendships to unload some of your feelings so that he isn't at the brunt of them. You also need to communicate better and devise a strategy for coping with these issues. You would do well to explain to your boyfriend that when you are worried or insecure you are not looking for answers or solutions but you just want to be feel understood by him, when he knows that all he has to do is be attentive and listen to you to be a successful boyfriend he will become much more emotional close to you again.
I have to say you write with quite bitterness and distrust about this relationship. I wonder if things have already gone too far? Whatever though, you really do need to start communicating and understanding each others needs because he's going to continue to emotionally distance himself and you're going to become more insecure.
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A
male
reader, leonard j.Douglas  +, writes (29 June 2007):
When we fish the water deep,
Where many fish abound.
All of the fish we do not keep,
Nor let them hang around.
You caught a Cad it's plain to see,
So why let him hang around.
Throw the Cad back into the sea,
Where better fish abound.
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A
female
reader, dollparts  +, writes (29 June 2007):
 you desever better your guy shouldn't be making you feel this way, like yummymummy said talk to him about it! if thing's don't change leave him
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A
female
reader, YummyMummy +, writes (29 June 2007):
 Chat to him and tell him that things have to change or you're gone. You sound so unhappy and that isn't fair. If he doesn't change bite the bullet and leave him. You need to be happy and this guy isn't doing that for you!
xxxxx
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