A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I’m sitting here at midnight writing this because I can’t sleep.My partner is acting so strange. I feel like it’s my fault...Our relationship used to be good, we used to be intimate, kiss, cuddle etc. Then we had a baby. My sex drive has never been the same, my self confidence has plummeted and I’ve lost all my lust for anything. We’ve had sex maybe like 5 times since the baby was born. . I don’t even cuddle anymore I don’t feel like I want to even make myself happy. My daughter is nearly two and this has gone on for this long now.But...My partner keeps bringing up women from his past. He keeps telling me his “‘mind” is telling him to tell me about them. His “mind” is telling him to compare them to me , “is she better looking than my girlfriend”. “You call yourself ugly then I worry I am not seeing something you are seeing” comes out a lot. He says he will see someone in public or on tv and say “tell her she looks like that girl from my past” ...I will say an innocent thing in conversation and he will turn it into a dirty joke even a disgusting joke . He keeps making peado jokes too which I am getting extremely annoyed at because I do not find that funny whatsoever. He says he’s worried because he has a daughter now and he feels uncomfortable nappy changing etc incase someone thinks he’s weird (god knows why, he’s only changing a nappy!!) he’s just overanalysing everything. He keeps telling me when his WhatsApp group are sharing dirty Porn videos and tells me that women on it look like women from his past. And that he has to tell me otherwise it will “eat him up inside”. He even tells me when he has masterbated and worried that another girl has come into his mind while doing it. (I don’t need to know but he makes sure he tells me :-/ )I’m so exhausted and I just don’t want to be intimate with him the way he goes on sometimes. I tried a few months ago and he told me he was “trying so hard not to think about” a certain girl while I was trying to have sex with him. Obviously that really upset me. Every ten minutes today he was talking about his past and how things remind him of them, e.g tight jeans reminded him of a ex conquest.. He says because I’m not having sex with him that his head is winding him up and he wants to get a reaction from me..He will see an ugly photo of some meme and show me it and say “you will think that this looks like you” Does that sound like what a normal guy would do? I’m thinking the only way we can solve this is counselling. For both of us. Me for my obvious depression and him for his obsessive thoughts. My poor daughter doesn’t need any of this , I want to fix my self confidence but he is not helping me and I can’t have her picking up on this. Has anyone gone through anything similar? It’s really worrying me and it’s causing me to drift further away than I already am and I’m worried there is no way to come back from it, I’ve feel like lost everything I used to love about my life. I feel empty.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2020): Something I left out....It is not your fault that your boyfriend is acting strange...It is who he is.When someone shows you who they are believe him.He is emotionally abusive...not gonna change it is who he is.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2020): No it does not sound like what a normal guy would do it sounds like what an abuser and narcissist would do.Call a woman shelter today and form an escape plan.Abusers can get violent when left so you must do this.Him acting like this is not hormones so honeypie you are wrong with that....This is on him...treating you like dirt by being very disrespectful to you.Are his actions what you want your daughter to learn is normal?Listen I have been married over forty years am a mother and grandma...I never ever was insulted like this by my husband.This is not normal and dear you deserve so much more.If you were my daughter you already would have been back home because this mama bear does not tolerate emotional abuse like your boyfriend dishes out.He is trying to kill any self esteem you have in order to control you.Someone who loves you does not do that.You must leave him for your daughters sake....once you have a baby the baby must always come first.Letting her grow up in an emotionally abusive home is not good but guess what??You can control that.Dump the abuser.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2020): My dear, why does it seem this particular question so often comes from unmarried-women who just had a child? Well, married-women too; but their situation is different. They all seem to feel distant, or their mate feels distant; once a child his entered the picture. You first of all need to see your doctor about postpartum-depression. Why this hasn't occurred to you is odd?
You haven't felt yourself, and you feel depressed...shouldn't that signal you should do something about it?
You've come here, but you should have seen your doctor first. Your postnatal-checkups should have revealed mental-health or mood-irregularities; because most doctors ask you how you're feeling? Having social healthcare at your disposal, leaves no excuse for not seeking medical or mental-health consultation and treatment. You're considering counseling about your relationship, but what about your own mental and physical-health, sweetheart? A declining sex-drive after giving birth to a child is normal, due to changes in your hormones; but depression is not! Plus his behavior is another contributing factor. It's almost obvious he's messing with you! Almost in a cruel and narcissistic fashion, one could speculate. That's strictly my layman's observation and opinion; based on what you've expressed in your post. We're all on the outside looking in. You surely require a more professional opinion.
We get a lot of posts where the relationship collapses once a couple has a child, or another child. The boyfriend gets weird. Probably for the first-time being a father. It's scary for him. He can't just walk-away; because he now has a legal-obligation to financially-support his child. He is now finding himself in a relationship that forces him into a long-term commitment he probably didn't really want; or expect to be so permanent.
Many guys who feel they're trapped, try to sabotage the relationship by doing and saying weird things like your boyfriend. Sometimes it's deliberate, and sometimes it's subconscious; but they feel cornered, and hope they can somehow make their partner voluntarily sever the relationship to free himself. He doesn't want to do it, he wants her to do it. Then he knows he's free to see other women. Bringing-up other women is obviously a cruel head-game. A very effective one at that! Look at how it affects you! He crushes your already fragile self-esteem, he assaults your insecurities; and it's almost certain, you as the victim, place the blame on yourself. That's when women become depressed, bewildered, and distraught. Thus, many will end-up here on DC! God bless your souls!
He will be in your life from now on; because you share a child together. You presently don't feel an emotional-attachment, or need for intimacy, for whatever reasons. That can be attributed to your depression; but this guy seems like a real trigger, if ever there was. You will have to reach a conclusion and decision on what to do about your relationship; but first things first. Get a complete medical-examination; to see to your own mental and physical-health. Your child depends on you.
Seek the advice and comfort of older and more experienced female-family members, your mother preferably; but most come here, because of family-estrangement. Many come from dysfunctional-families, and/or don't get along with their mother/parents. Some were even thrown out of their homes. That's why we're here. Especially, for those who feel there's no place to turn to; or you just don't want your mother/parents in your business! You don't need their "I told you so's" or feel like being judged as the black sheep or loser in the family; just because you don't ascribe to their views, values, or beliefs.
You're old enough to tell people when what they say to you is hurtful or insulting. You have a brain and a mouth. Use your words! You don't need advice to tell you when to stand-up to your tormentor. It is uncertain of his true motives behind his weird behavior; but by knowing him, you may have your own opinion or ideas about that. You have to assess your situation; and decide what's best for you and your child. You offer no description of the overall quality of the relationship; so you leave us to assume you had a baby knowing your relationship was in-trouble. You already knew there was no real cohesion or bonding between you; or what you had was corroding. Well, now you have to see it for what it is. You should seek the counseling you suggested; so you can face the reality of the situation. You'll get to express your feelings with a mediator or referee present; who will allow both sides to speak. You will have a more objective perception about the relationship; to allow you to determine if you want to remain in it at all. Most need closure, if they make the decision to leave. That way, there is an understanding on both-sides, and you can move on. HE WILL financially support his child, no matter the outcome! Make certain you see to that! No need to struggle alone!
First, get to the doctor; and get a professional-opinion about your health. If you see a counselor, make sure you open-up; and make all your feelings known outloud. Call him out, and let him know how hurtful and cruel his words and actions are! He may or may not be aware. In my own opinion, it doesn't seem like he isn't aware that what he's saying to you hurts. He'd have to be pretty mean, or unbelievably stupid!!! Maybe both...that's what I'd bet my money on! I will speculate he's conditioning and mentally-programming you to just give-up, and to let him go. Methodically wearing you down; until he can escape what he may perceive as a trap. Stuck in a relationship like a husband; when that's not where his head or his heart is at. This is where women learn you can bring a baby into it; but that doesn't keep the man wanting to be with you! Keeping someone against their will is imprisonment; yet he may still love his kid(s). That's a reality you'll have to face at the end of the day.
God be with you, and guide you. May He help you find your peace. You'll survive this whatever the outcome. He may just be young and stupid; and just maybe, the counseling will help you to get a lot off your chest.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (15 November 2020):
 I think he is compounding your insecurities and unhappiness with how you look, maybe not entirely on purpose maybe it's more of a "tactic" to get you on your toes and take better care of you AND the relationship, because there are OH SO MANY women from his past who were just SO HOT, so he can replace you.
I think he is ACTUALLY being HONEST when he says he JUST want a reaction from you. Because at this point ANY attention from you (good or bad) is OK to him. He is MISSING what you two used to have. And maybe, he is also a little fed up with your pity party. A woman's body changed after birth, IT IS A GIVEN. But it doesn't mean you can't get fit or look GOOD again, just because you had a kid. You know this, but it's easier to feel sorry for yourself then get off your ass and DO something. And that might mean you NEED to see your doctor.
You are right, you daughter DOESN'T need ANY of this. What I think YOU need to do is 1. go see your doctor, you might still have a bit of post partum blues.
2. start some kind of exercise regiment. Maybe get some bands to start with so you can work out at home, or take the little one for some nice ling walk (she can be in a stroller). Consider signing up for some gym classes like Yoga or spin class (IF there are any gym that are open and provide these ). Why do I say work out? Because WE all feel better when we work out, even if it's not a whole lot. A good 45 min to 1 hour walk can help a lot.
Define WHAT it is about yourself you are unhappy with, and then WORK on that. Because it's PRETTY obvious that your partner ISN'T interested in helping.
As for the peado jokes. SO gross. No wonder you are not wanting to jump his bones! While he might find them funny, they make me ill just hearing them. Because it makes me wonder if he is USING those jokes as an excuse to NOT help with the little one, of IF he is actually worried he is a peado. BOTH are effing WRONG!
YOU need to stop talking smack about yourself and how you look. He isn't going to join your pity party and tell you that you look fantastic. So stop it. It doesn't HELP anyone, least of all YOU.
YOU need to set some boundaries. Some about him constantly bringing up exes and hot girls. While I get it, he hasn't gone blind, HE CAN shut his piehole. HE isn't helping.
The Peado jokes need to stop, like yesterday. They are gross, disgusting and NOT helping either.
So make yourself an appointment with your doc. See if your hormones are out of whack. GET some exercise and tell your BF he needs to STFU and not make things worse.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2020): If you really want your daughter to grow up having a nice life you really need to go to the doctor for help either counseling, depression medicine or a combination of the two. How can she be happy when later on she realizes mommy never is? And he needs help too or I would leave him. You want your daughter to have a good boyfriend/ husband one day right? You guys are her role models she will think how you guys are, is normal in a relationship because she grew up like that. If you don't want help for yourself please do it for her. I wish you the best.
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