A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I don't even know where to ask this question. It is such a dilemma and heart wrenching. About 18months ago I had the worst thing happen in my life. My husband suicided and and left me with two sons 8 and 10 at the time. I have been strong and have tried to carry on as best I can working two jobs because I was unable to get his life insurance. I was numb for over a year emotionally, but a few months ago at the persistence of a friend I went out with a man who had been asking me out for months. I did not think I would feel again, but I have enjoyed his company-- he is a great guy and makes me laugh. He is also good to my children although they only think he is a "Friend". Well, as my luck would have it, I am pregnant. I just found out and am devastated. There are so many reasons why, but most of all because I will lose my job out of moral ethics (I teach school) and because I am not sure how my children would take it. I know that being as old as I am I should have taken precautions, but I thought we had-- I have known my cycle for years-- ovulating, etc. It worked for 13 years of my marriage. Now I don't know if I should quit my job (which is my main source of income) or have an abortion (which I really have a hard time thinking about). I just need to do what is best for my children, and they need me to be working so I can provide for them. I also have no insurance because I can't afford it. Please just someone give me some advice because I can't even think clearly right now. As for the man I am dating, he feels he loves me and will do whatever I want in this situation.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2011): I do understand how you feel and how traumatic this is for you.
Speak to your doctor because he/she can talk you through your options and there is always the chance that you might end up as i did...with no decision to make. All the best x
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2011): Thank you-- I am still struggling but feel better after your responses. The man I with said he will do whatever I want but if it were up to him, he would marry me tomorrow and father this baby and be there for my other two sons as well. He loves me and I know he does, I just feel like I need more time before I take on a marriage again and a new baby. I feel like I have just started to be "me" again and I don't want to lose that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2011): Hello. Being practical. If i were you i would go to the doctor first. Have a check up/scan and make sure all is well because sometimes these things don't 'take' first time around with a new partner. So Mother Nature might have her own plans and could shortly make a decision for you.
That was the case with me, when i found myself in your situation. I was 'caught out' just as you have been. Bodies can be tricky things, so don't waste time feeling it was all your fault. These things happen to the best of us.
If the idea of a termination is pretty much unthinkable to you. Then don't waste your time and emotionally energy thinking about that either. Cross it off your worry list along with any guilt for falling pregnant.
If you could go to term and put the baby up for adoption, that would be one way forward. But i don't think you would be able to give your baby away. AND it would still mean having to cope with any fall out from work and dealing with your children in the meantime. Those worries seem more of an issue for you than keeping the baby.
So if all is well following the doctors visit. Best you and your partner thrash out the practicalities of keeping the baby. He sounds like a good guy and he obviously likes you a lot and has done for some time. So that is good news. Things could have been worse there!
If you both decide you can make it work with him helping with child care and finances. Then have a chat with him about buying an 'engagement ring'! That will give gravitas to your relationship. Instead of you, facing things alone it will be you and your fiancee facing things together. I think that will make you feel slightly better about things at work. You don't have to contemplate marriage at all, just get a ring on your finger, lass. If they are shocked at work when you turn up wearing an engagement ring, big deal. You are entitled to a private life! You will have a few months to let them digest that news before you need to reveal you are pregnant. You have plenty of time to tell your children you are pregnant. When you do tell them i am sure they will be excited. Kids love babies and i am sure your children will be very excited.
When the pregnancy becomes evident, you could wear tailored 'concealing' clothes to work and tell the students to mind their business and get on with their lesson if they start probing with questions! Reassure the school board that you will not be going around in cropped tops, showing off your 'bump' and banging a drum for 'free love' if that is what they are thinking!
Research employment law. I am pretty sure you can not be sacked for falling pregnant. So research and acquaint yourself with YOUR rights. And if things are uncomfortable at work, mumble about 'forced resignations' and suing people! That should silence any outdated moral zealots.
With the very deepest respect, your husband took his life not yours. So enjoy your life lass and don't feel guilty about ANYTHING you choose to do. You're a strong woman and you can do what you want, you just need to hear that.
So the floor is yours! If you feel you can't handle any more upheavals following your husbands death. And you chose a termination. That is your decision. If you can go full term and give the baby away, again your decision. And not least if you decide to keep the child that is totally up to you. You do what will make you the happiest because what your children need more than anything else...is a happy mom. And look after that man of yours, he sounds like a good 'un. Don't lose sight of him during this upheaval. All the best x
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 September 2011):
 Reading your post my face fell : would they really fire you for being pregnant ? In USA ? In 2011 ?... Amazing. Maybe you could talk to the school principal, maybe they'd make an exception for you, even if there 's a morality clause I guess the idea is preventing children from being exposed to negative role models of promiscuous , irresponsible behaviour, - I don't think you, as a mature lady in a steady committed relationship, qualify as one.
Anyway, in most situations , it may be unfair but we have to let financial considerations prevail and let economy dictate our course in life.
You say you have no health insurance , and are already struggling as it is, to support your 2 kids, if you also lose your job, how badly would it affect your family ?
Is your partner willing and able to take financial responsibility for the newborn AND your kids ? How many realistic chances have you got to find SOON another job with equivalent /better pay ?
Consider these factors carefully and decide accordingly.
Abortion is a tough choice and I don't mean to press it on any woman, but personally ( just my opinion ) I think that the well being of the 2 kids you have already comes before of that of the one who is unborn yet.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2011): This is an awful predicament to be in. Suicide is so hard on everyone, but to have coped then be faced with this problem must be blowing your mind.
I think financial security is the foremost problem, you have 2 children who need supporting and a home to run.
First do you know for definate that your job would go?
How secure is the father of the baby,do you love him,would you marry, move in together - would he be prepared to support you until you could return to work?
Do you want another child this late in life (think of 10-15yrs time)when you have 2 who are older.
Sometimes a termination is the solution, but only you can know whats best for you and your children.
Good luck xx
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (16 September 2011):
 First let me tell you how sorry I am to hear of the trials you've had to endure. I can only imagine how hard it was for you and your childen to lose your husband and their father.
It must have been a great comfort for you to have found someone new to help fill the emotional void -- how wonderful.
It's astonishing, frankly, to hear that your job is in jeopardy because of this circumstance. Nonetheless I take you at your word that you remain subject to such a 'morals clause' even in 2011. Sadly, that limits your options.
Your first obligation is to your existing children. Regardless of anything else, they must be provided for. And just as importantly, they need their mother to be in a good space -- to be mentally healthy and balanced. Particularly becuase of the loss of their father, and the circumstances.
I assume that what I'm referring to as the 'morals clause' prevents you from carrying the child to term and putting it up for adoption?
Given that, how do you feel about the father of the unborn child? Is there a basis for a marriage? While the idea of a 'shotgun marriage' seems abhorrent in this day and age, such relationships have been known to work, and successfully.
I understand that abortion is not an easy decision to make. And if you think you couldn't live with it, then don't go there. On the other hand, you do seem to be between a rock and a hard place. Continuing to provide for your children, or marrying someone for the wrong reasons.
All I can say is that you must do what's best for your existing children while protecting your mental health.
And I'm desperately sorry that I don't have better advice.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Susie  +, writes (16 September 2011):
 Don't rush into anything. You need to stop, and take a deep breath. Dependant on how many months into the pregnancy you are, you may have a little time to consider all your options, carefully. If this new man loves you, is he willing to make a life with you and your children, will he support you? Do you love him, are you wanting to make a life with him? If not, can you talk to the principle at your school? Maybe things there would not be a grime as you think they might be. You could possibly get to keep your job, having time off to have the baby, then return. Ask these questions before resigning. Look into abortion, talk to a counsellor, it maybe the right option for you at this point. Just looking into it doesn't mean it has to happen. But it is an option, and one that many women take because they feel that that is the best choice for them. Just take your time. All the best, you've got a lot of thinking to do. xxx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2011): I'm so sorry to hear about your husband's suicide and your current predicament.another option is to have the baby but give it up for adoption if you feel you can't support another mouth to feed or if it would wreck havoc on your existing family. Or perhaps the father of the child would be willing to have sole custody?I don't know that you would lose your job for sure, can you talk to your supervisors about it ahead of time (long before you start showing and there are rumors being spread)?
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