A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I've become really close friends with a lovely guy over the past two and a half years (we're both gay). We get on so well and I've been able to open up to him about life stuff that I've never told anyone before. We've just been "friends" for all of this time but I've developed much stronger feelings for him and from our conversations and the way he is around me I'm fairly certain he feels the same. However, neither of us is making the first move. For me, it's because of shyness and lack of experience for my age and for him I think it's because he has to be absolutely certain because of being scarred by a past relationship (and he can be shy too). We have shared a few "almost moments" and he has told me in a kind of round about way that he likes me via hints and kind things he does. Any advice on how we can move forward with this? I can't even pluck up the courage to kiss him on the cheek! We do share lovely hugs though. I want to move forward with it because I want to act before it's too late because guys like him are very rare. Should I casually kiss him on the cheek when hugging hello or goodbye and see how he reacts? He doesn't pull away when I put my arm round him or anything. Any advice gladly received.
View related questions:
shy Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (10 March 2020):
 Friendship is a fantastic foundation on which to build a long term relationship. It means you actually like the other person, as well as loving them.
Wishing you both all the very best.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2020): So you say. I hope so!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2020): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, Well, it seems all is perfectly fine between us. We had a heart to heart and he does feel exactly the same way as I do about everything and always has right from the start. So, it appears I was not just infatuated nor indeed playing out my fantasies or daydreams. I was also not pretending to myself that I had a situation that was not being reciprocated either and was not "insinuating" any daydream or fantasy of any kind. I was not satisfied to beat around the bush and, just to clarify, insecurity and shyness are two completely different things. On a psychological level, I would say that not wanting to give people "TMI" about yourself has more of an insecurity and defensiveness about it than being able to accept one's own and someone else's potential vulnerability. That's a very sweeping and judgmental generalisation. I personally know two people who are very outgoing in personality but with the most defensive and insecure attitudes and takes on life that I've ever known. Personality traits are not as rigidly black and white as you seem to believe and multiple facets and layers of personality can co-exist within someone. So, anyyway as mind boggling as it may seem, after two and a half years we've now transitioned from platonic friendship to romantic relationship. So, it looks like us two man-childs have stood the test of time and developed a good solid intimate friendship and knowledge of each other first which has formed the foundation of finally getting together.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2020): If you can tell someone your private-secrets; it's boggling to the mind you can't approach the topic of how you feel about each other. I don't casually share TMI; if I can't trust you. It's best to be selective about sharing intimate-secrets or sensitive info about your life; they have to be intimate friends. Almost like family, or someone you're romantically-connected to in all certainty. If anyone could be so vulnerable as to open-up and expose personal-information that you've never told anyone else; there has to be an extraordinary amount of trust between you. Nothing ventured nothing gained.
It makes no sense you can reveal anything, but the secret everybody is alluding to!
You seem satisfied with beating around the bush. Avoiding any possibility that he's not reciprocating the same kind of feelings; and there's nothing more to it than wishful-thinking. The sooner you get it out the way, the sooner the game is over. Otherwise, stop insinuating that he likes you that way!
There is a very thin-line between shyness and insecurity, my friend!
You may sense in all reality that you're reading too much into this. That is often the case when we receive posts of this kind. People live-out their friendship pretending it is something "on the verge of a romance;" through fantasy and daydreams. Holding-on to a make-believe/unrequited-romance; which is more or less infatuation. Settling for just "maybe;" rather than being certain you don't have your signals crossed.
To come clean or to risk disclosure of your true-feelings, may kill the fantasy. Replacing it with awkwardness or embarrassment. Ultimately, the friendship collapses; because of frustration. Nobody is man enough to make the first move! Either that, or everything is what it is; and you're the one not getting it! He's not into you that way! Yet you want it to be true so badly; you'll pretend he's just holding-back, when he isn't!
I think two grown-men in your age are far beyond the grade-school mentality of "too-shy;" and playing such games. He probably suspects, and doesn't wish to hurt your feelings. Now and again he'll play along if it makes you happy.
Dropping hints and sending mixed-signals tells me that even if you did finally get the nerve to express your true-feelings; there will be some serious communication-issues down the road. Candor is out of the question. No-one will be totally honest with each-other. Guessing and misinterpretations will cause a lot of confusion.
You will withhold your concerns or any misgivings that could directly-affect the viability of the relationship. There will be difficulty dealing with the usual challenges that comes with a developing romantic-connection. Either to avoid hurting feelings, being judged, or to maintain the illusion that everything is perfect.
Two years is way too long if somebody is showing you they're attracted to you; and you're still dancing around the issue. You're both grown-men, not two little-boys!
Frankly speaking, all this "shyness" is sometimes symptomatic of insecurity; and a serious lack of self-confidence that can cause fissures in your relationship. Mainly because you'll never trust each other to openly share your true-feelings; when it comes the time to fix a problem within your the relationship. Platonic-friendship is somewhat less complicated than a romantic-relationship. If in-love, you'll share your mind, heart, and body.
Either poop, or get off the pot! How many hints do you need in the span of two years? Kissing someone you're not sure is attracted to you in the same-way can be quite awkward! I think you ought to ask him if he likes you in that way? Practice expressing how you feel about him, and try dealing with whatever those feelings are. Sometimes infatuation manifests itself in unhealthy ways; for some it becomes an obsession. Jealousy and resentment will arise, if he shows romantic-interest in somebody else!
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (6 March 2020):
How about a conversation along the lines of "I have something to ask you but please understand that, if you don't feel the same way, it's absolutely ok and will not spoil our friendship"?
Then bite the bullet and say you have developed feelings for him that are beyond friendship and ask him how he feels about that. something tells me, if you take it gently, this could be the start of a beautiful relationship.
I wish you all the best. Would love to know what happens.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (6 March 2020):
 I'd say open your mouth and TELL him that you are interested in more than friendship with him.
Kissing him is NOT a "hint", many people kiss their friends on the cheek. H e might just think that it's you trying to show "friendly affection".
If you CAN'T tell a guy you are interested, HOW on Earth are you supposed to ever conduct a serious relationship?
Life isn't a game of Clue, or "guess that hint"!
Shy or not. You NEED to TALK to him.
...............................
|
