A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend was extremely emotionally abusive (and occasionally physically abusive) for about 18 months. We both want to be together and he has been trying very hard to work through his personal trust and esteem issues that he blames for his actions and words towards me. Monday was another very, very verbally abusive day. I did not react, I stayed very calm - emotionally falling deeper. I told him that I did not deserve the things he was saying or thinking about me no matter how depressed he was with Life, he had no right to take things out on me.I woke up yesterday (Tuesday) still very hurt and trying to shake it off. When I got home from work, I sat him down and told him that I want so badly to feel safe with him, emotionally, physically, mentally, etc, because he is my best friend, my lover, my number one...but that the things he says and promises he breaks continue to devastate me and it takes me longer than the 24 hours it used to take me to move on from the things he says/thinks about me because of his 'depression'.He was immediately upset that I said I wanted him to be my best friend (he didn't seem to hear the lover part immediately after that) and said we should go to sleep. I asked him not to be upset because I was not trying to offend him. He joked about being my 'lover' because I did not come home and right away have sex with him, saying "but I didn't say anything mean today".I have done reading on narcissism as well as depression in men and am wondering if he truly falls into the depression category, or if he is actually a narcissist - viewing me as only an object for immediate gratification, always needing reassurance of my faithfulness, always accusing me of being unfaithful or looking at other men when I would never, etc. He often says "well you had a one night stand before, so how could you have felt safe with HIM?" (mind you, he has been with over 55 women, I have been with 9 men). How do I get him to understand that being in love with someone and wanting to have that physical/emotional/mental/etc connection with them requires the absence of fear? That for me to happily, comfortably engage in intimacy with him, I shouldn't be scared of him? I hate being scared of the one I've fallen in love with... Or is this something that is experienced only in Disney movies and are my standards too high?
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best friend, depressed, emotionally abusive, move on, one night stand Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (14 October 2009):
I think you need to get hold of some domestic violence leaflets and information.
You ask if your standards are too high. Are you serious??
Why do you think there are massive government sponsored programmes out there telling women like you that there are decent men out there, if this is normal??
I'm not sure what you think you are achieving by staying with him, but it's not going to help him. You ask how you can get him to understand? Well the answer is you can't. He's mentally ill, and mentally ill violent people do not respond to logic.
Get a plan B in place so when he kicks off again and screams at you then you can walk out and have somewhere to go.
Good Luck!! xx
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