A
female
age
41-50,
*BOOGIE
writes:Hi Everyone,I have a slight dilemma.. I am 34 and so is he.. he has not had a girlfriend in 5 years....so I have been dating him for 6 months and everything is going well. We have established that we are b/f and g/f and we are monogamous. He says he loves me and that I am the best, most wonderful women he has ever met and he wouldn't know what he would do without me, I see him about 4 times a week...We text each other 30 times a day!! seems great right?? Heres the dilemma, He has alot of female friends; some which he has slept with, and some he still hangs out with. I also recently discovered that he is still on a few dating sites and they are still active ..!! What should I do, do I have a right at 6 months to ask him what the hell is going on? and how should I do this? Is it cheating to go on these dating websites still? Is it ok that he still goes out with his female friends? I thought about making a profile on that website and try and talk to him but I do not think I could handle the outcome!! Am I over reacting?? Please help!!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2008): He sounds exactly like my ex. Dated him for 4 1/2 years and never resolved these kind of issues. It was always something new with him.......he did not have appropriate boundaries for a healthy relationship. He also had 5 years between relationships, why? Because it would take him that long to tire of being a bachelor. This man needs alot of attention, are you ready to lead a life of always being number 3 or 4 on his list of priorities?
Men don't change unless they want to change. You are wise not to bring it up with him and just observe. If you start placing boundaries, you will begin to have arguments because he will become more secretive. If you don't believe me, try it.
My ex even had his ex over for drinks one night and they ended up sleeping together because she was too drunk to drive home. The only reason he told me is because he was afraid the neighbor would tell me first.......in fact, that's a great way to learn about him, befriend a neighbor.
You will feel intuitively what is right or wrong with your relationship, listen to your intuitions!
A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (1 August 2008):
 Hi,
I think there are two issues here.
One, his female friends. In his 30's he is bound to have past loves who he has remained friends with. It's not for everyone but a lot of people like to keep in touch with ex loves ( if this is a problem for you , you might as well get out of the relationship now, because I guarantee you he will not give up his friends for you, and would you want him..it sounds rather controlling to me)
But the real issue is his continuing on the dating sites, you have a right to ask him why he is doing this, if your relationship is monogamous then he shouldnt be on these sites.
I fear you don't know him as well as you may think. But your real problem is the ex's being around, if like a lot of people you are not comfortable with your other half being friends with his ex's then it may be too big a barrier to overcome.
You have some tough decisions to make, but good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2008): Dear Sweet Pea, I am so sorry that you are going throgh such a difficult time. And No, I don't think you are overreactin. If the two of you are in a commited relashonship, then he need to break ties with the dating sights..Even if he is keeping them updated "Just in Case things don't work out," it mean he dosnen't have faith in the two of you. Myself personaly, I would have a HUGE problem with him hanging out with women he has slept with. If the two of you are in a commited state, I think you have all the rights in the world to ask him "What's Up Buck-O Brown?" You seem like a gem of a lady, don't let him take advantage of you sweetie!!!
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