A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I'm not gay, so why do I get nervous that I am? I'm 44, married for 21 years, with 4 children. For a year now I have been off my cocaine and alcohol addiction but towards the end doing 1/2 ounce of coke a week having a 2 year affair with a naughty girl, I was totally paranoid and close to breakdown. People had started to dislike me, then rumours travelled everywhere that I was gay. It got to the stage I was doubting myself, almost coming up with reasons I might be... still now getting nervous when people talk about gays.My wife kicked me out, after 2 weeks she took me back and we did my rehab together, which I am very proud of. Although I still always feel something is missing. 15 months now, good being a dad!I was a selfish drink and drugs person who had [average 18 month] affairs with naughty strong in the bedroom women. My wife had been abused as a child and sex is well not good, the same, I even feel nervous that I avoid it. We both deserve more than that. She is wonderful and willing but I need strong woman in the bedroom who absolutely loves it, not just does it.The reason I would start my new affairs after moving on from others would be "starting to doubt my manhood/sexuality "pathetic as it sounds its true. Now I'm there again, but also I feel that everyone knows my gay fears?? and do not ever want to hurt my wife again. More importantly I'm scared with this gay thing hanging over me. I am depressed, I've just realised how little I really laugh any more, how my guard is always up and I work in the building game. I'm starting to waffle now so will finish here. thank you.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, auntylil +, writes (16 July 2009):
First off, you are only gay if you sexually prefer the same sex. It is not a manhood issue or one that is easily confused. Also if you are gay, it is not the end of the world, only the beginning of a new one for you.
Secondly, as your wife was abused as a child your recent behaviour re drugs, women and drink is horrific. She has suffered enough without selfish, destructive people around her. Also just because she was abused doesnt mean she cannot enjoy sex. I was abused for many years and "put up" with sex with my first husband. After my divorce I met a great bloke who worked with me into having a confident and sexy love life. I suggest that if you must stay with your wife, you invest some time into making sex an enjoyable experience for her. You should have done this years ago, she must feel bad enough as it is about sex without you running off with younger sexier women and then partly blaming her sexual performance for your affairs.
Your wife must be a strong woman to put up with you so just invest some time and energy into transferring that strength into the bedroom.I suggest it has actually been your sexual performance that has been the problem for you both for some time.
So, either go off with a bloke or stop worrying about it. Also take some time out and really think about what you do put and have put your wife through. Even now your sober, the sex problem still exists. Sort it before she leaves you.
A
female
reader, intothewoods +, writes (17 February 2009):
have you ever thought about having sex with a man? does the thought of male sex arouse you? have you fantasied or ever acted out a fantasy involving male sex? have you ever had strong emotional feelings for another man? when you see a certain man walk into the room do you get the butterfly feeling?if the answer is no to all those things, then you are definatley not gay. you are only worrying that you might be simply because other peple have projected their speculations onto you. you have other problems in your life that dserve more attention than this, so stop worrying about it.if the answer is yes to any of the above, it doesnt automatically mean you are gay either. for men it always feels so black and white. your either gay, or straight. where as for women they can happily say im bi, bi curios. its just the same for men. I have struggled with some of those feelings before and I can relate to how your feeling. but dont let it consume you. If you are very confused, ask for a trial seperation from your wife and try having sex with a man. be as honest as you can be with your wife. talk to her about how you feel. tell her you need some time alone and just think about how you feel. I hope some of this advice helps. well done for kicking the drugs that is a worthy achievment.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyour advice[3 of]has been reassuring,and has lifted me slightly. i need to get rid of,well be stronger removing my paranoia that was starting to take control.keep the focus,no raise the focus on my wife.I,m not good with counciling,scary.when i was seeing my cocaine councilor,that was the start of my mind spiraling in to scary places.possibly it made me look at myself and eventually come good but i,m more of a diy person?my wife doesnt know about this and i dont? think really knows about the gay fear,although i do talk in my sleep.there is unfinished work somewhere in me??physcoanalysis counciling seems interesting.thank you for your good advice
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2009): Don't believe their lies about you. You were the hot topic of conversation, and I'm sorry they kicked you when you were down. You're a hero to have gone through rehab and come out starting a new life. Right now the main problem is sexual between you and your wife. Since you were open to rehab, I think the next step is seeing a sex therapist. Your wife has some deep feelings that need healing. When this happens, she'll be more open to explore desires with you.
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