A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:How can I stop being so jealous? I've been hurt badly in past relationships, lied to and cheated on time and time again. I'm now with a wonderful man who treats me better than I ever thought I could be treated, but my jealousy issues are driving him away. I do trust him (although he lied to me early in the relationship but has never cheated) but every time another woman looks at him or speaks to him I become anxious and question him, even though the majority of the time I know there's nothing to it. He came back from a weeks stag do abroad last week and since then he's added women on facebook and one girl has text him and called him although from their conversations it seems they are just friends but now I've convinced myself that something must have happened. He told me they met a big group of people and got on well with both the men and women and have all added each other and exchanged numbers etc but I'm convinced something more must have happened and now I can't stop questioning him. How do I get over my jealousy issues?
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female
reader, pared down  +, writes (22 June 2012):
 heres my take on jealousy: every one has a right to love and be loved the way they need to. when a guy is communicative with me, when he gives me great attention and shows he cares for me..i dont get jealous..its like he understands that his love for me is something i need to feel--not just on a special occasion but pretty much in a fabric of our life together. what happens is you meet a great guy, he treats you well for a bit, then when he can feel he's more secure with you, he stops, pulls back a bit, assumes you'll not need affirmation of all feelings, doesnt create or make time to emotionally connect. THEN things take on bigger proportions than they may really need be. WHY? because when a guy is leaning toward another girl, hes leaning away from you. AND YOu Can feel it!! but guess what? a lot of 'great' guys are this way initially but stop giving at the same level once they feel they have your love. and this sucks for the girl cause it drives her insane with wondering why...is it her? is she not attractive to him any more..she starts to do stuff to get the same level of attention he once gave her and she kind of turns herself inside out. when the real truth [to me] anyway is this: when jealousy or those weird feelings start to present themself..its not always you..and its not always another girl. lean back from your guy and see if he leans in toward you. if hes leans back in, its just that he doenst get that love is soemthing you need to give to on a regualr basis..hes not upholding the level of connection he initially gave you..and that is his problem. by you leaning OUT or AWAY from him [meaning being less available to him than you were and getting back into things that are about you, your friends and your life] he will be inspired to reconnect with you as he once did. if he doesnt do this, then chances are he is just not as into you as he once was. the bottom line, is that these feelings dont always come from the past hurt, they are a barometer that your not getting your needs met on some level. they are meant to be looked at, responded to in a healthy way and dealt with head on. jealousy unchecked will make you feel crazy, it will harm you on so many levels. and a les than honest partner will actually use your jeaously against you..your jealousy will make the less than honest partner feel MORE SECURE with you and MORE excited about cheating. An authentic loving partner will have a heart to heart with you that you need not feel threatened by women outside your relationship. he wont get pissed, tell you to knock it off or leave you. a real authentic man who loves you is your friend, he cares about you, he is invested in your role in his life and he loves your happiness. he will work with you in a clear way to assure you theres no issue. when a man isn't willing to do that with a girl he shares his body with, he is not where you are emotionally. and he is a heart ache waiting to happen.
A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (20 June 2012):
I have been the male in the relationship you are describing. She was cheated on by her husband, and she watched me like a hawk. I never gave her a reason to, but it was too much. Shed freak if I didnt answer my cell. She look at me cross whenever my cell rang, eventhough I spoke right in front of her.
I told her flat out, this BS has to stop - I will not be in a stressful relationship with no trust. I gave her an ultimatum about it. She didnt change, so I left.
We have spoken over the years since that, and she in fact dated a man who did the same thing to her. Each time we have spoken, she offered apologies to what she did to me and was sad it had to end that way.
Moral of the story - cut the crap or you will lose a good guy.
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A
female
reader, JaneSmith2012  +, writes (17 June 2012):
 Hi , from what you have written , it looks like your boyfriend's just made some new friends...Your situation is quite understandable since you've been hurt a lot in the past ..Also i would like to appreciate the fact that you jealousy related issues to deal with ... Whenever you get a bit anxious, try to relax before you let the next thought enter your mind... Drink a glass of water or listen to some music which has a calming effect on your mind .. After some time ask yourself why you are doubting him of having a relationship with this woman he met on a trip ? Ask yourself if your doubts are based on facts and evidence ? What's prompting you to ask these questions to him time and again?If the answer to all this is your past , then you will have to learn to let go of your old memories ... What has happened in the past need not always happen in future too .. Cheer up and enjoy your present relationship..If he hasnt cheated so far then you dont need to be worried .. Has his attiude towards you after this trip changed ? Is he acting totally frostly and indifferent all the time? If your answer is no then it would be better to give up questioning him ..Start trusting him ... In case he's indifferent or cold ,or refuses to spend time with you anymore, is not caring or affectionate or explicitly spends a lot time chatting with other women for no reason at all while ignoring you , then its better to talk to him frankly and find out if he's interested in you ... Further i would like to give you this one suggestion in order to ease your mind ... We cant control people (or their activities) with whom we are in a relationship with .. A certain amount of space is necessary for every relationship to "breathe"..Create that space for yourself and also allow his'.. Creating this space will help you strengthen yourself emptionally.. Also relationships are based purely on trust ..I know this is a bit difficult for you at the moment since your trust has been broken by many people in the past , i suggest that you start trusting in your bf gradually... Trust and space are essential for a relationship and can be found to exist in any successful relationship ..So cheer up and good luck for your future.. :)
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (17 June 2012):
 You have to get a hold on yourself because not only will your obsessive jealousy drive away the guy, it will also make your life miserable. You cant possibly keep a tab on someone all the time and keep doubting them, that's not how it works. When in a relationship, you have to trust and hope for the best. Sure sometimes things go wrong, but that's the risk you have to take.
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A
female
reader, sweetiebabes  +, writes (17 June 2012):
 Hi there.
You have mentioned you do trust him and if you do trust him there will be no questions.
To get over your jealousy is to feel secure and confident of yourself, to believe in yourself. I believe you need to work out on this.
If you continue thinking of jealousy, you will really think and feel jealous. What I mean is your mind will automatically look for some situations that happened to you before or you create an image on your mind that you think is true and happening and it goes on and on and on. Then you feel depleted, you feel frustrated, confused or you feel down and cannot think clearly. Doesn't it?
Would like to continue yourself feeling this way? Because I am sure you wouldn't want it...IT IS NOT A GREAT FEELING AT ALL. Instead of thinking about those women in your BF's friends list and doubting and questioning what really happened, why not ask a good and right question that would give you a positive feeling?
Ask yourself a question like, HOW CAN I TURN THIS FEELING AROUND? Then, you will think of positive answers that would work for you and what is more good about it, you are trying to work things out with your BF instead of beating up yourself with negative feelings that most likely are just your assumptions.
Turn your feelings around from jealousy to feeling secure and confident and trusting. Changes are within you.
goodluck!
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