A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I lost my virginity to this guy I really like. He told me he liked me but didnt have time for a relationship. I hoped that sleeping with him would make him want to go out with me (yeah i know but i dont have much experience with guys) but he saw our relationship as friends w/ benefiits. I dont want to be used by him but im so attached that I think im in love. I really dont want to be in love w/ him because i know he can never love me back but I literally think about him every minute and dont find any other guy attractive. I know he will call me when school starts (were both in college) but I dont think I have the strength to turn him down. (And I dont mean to sound like a slut but I really like having sex with him too) Should i keep seeing him and just view our relationship as strictly sexual? Is this realy love or is it only affection cause I lost it to him?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2008): You were told to look into "codependent personalities" and "manipulative people." I agree with the first suggestion.But there is nothing really manipulative about what this guy did. Not compared to the vast majority of other men (and women) out there in the dating pool. He was honest with you up front. You made your own decision to put yourself into a position to get hurt by him anyway. It's not his fault that he's telling you where his feelings end and then you're pursuing him anyway and expecting more from him. I could argue that your actions and expectations are every bit as "manipulative" as his have been. He told you that he was only going to pursue this as a FWB scenario. You stayed with him as if you were okay with that too, but now it sounds like you're trying to change the rules on him.I am not meaning to totally criticize you. More like just point out the other side of the story. Everyone likes to support a "poor manipulated innocent heartbroken girl" but people aren't so quick to see this from both sides. It took both of you to create this situation. And even "innocent little old hearbroken you" are capable of being manipulative towards someone else if you're not careful.
A
female
reader, domino21 +, writes (26 July 2008):
 Hey your deserve to be treated better than that. You should be loved in return. And he isnt showing that to you. You will most likely always have feelings for him since you lost your virginity to him. I still have feelings for my first. For a long time it will feel like love to you. But with true love you wouldnt feel like your getting used. The way way you think about him all the time is the way he should be feeling about you. A girl deserves to be chased and wooed. You deserve someone better.
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A
female
reader, PsyCookie +, writes (26 July 2008):
 I think it's only affection because you lost it with him. The reason why many people say that girls should wait for the guy they feel is right for them (and who respects and loves them) is because after the girl loses her virginity to the guy, she becomes attached. You gave something that was YOURS to a guy you really liked. Practically, in your mind you unconciously think he holds something that belonged to you and thus there should be a connection. To make sense to this, the brain gives signals that you may "love".
Now you could do three things: leave him and either stay alone or find someone else, stay with him because you believe there's no one else for you yet expect this feelings not returned OR just keep it as just a sexual thing. I suggest for you to just leave him because this will eventually hurt you badly and you will lose hope in relationships and guys. It's better to rip the pain now than slowly peeling it and scarring you in the process. Or you could stay with him by either hoping something that might never happen or just for sexual thrill. Either way, it's your choice.
Now you say you do enjoy sex with him, but have you tried sex with other people? If you haven't, I think you should explore further. Now I'll get Freudurian right here. Many people (girls specially) link sex with love, which is a big mistake. Since he was your first and probably only, you have developed this attachment to his body because of your lack of exploration. For this reason, your body may try to deny sexual attraction to other males. It's similar on how so many people are attached on how their hair looks or the way it looks (lenght, color). When time for change for the hair comes, there would be a wild fight from the person so the hair will not be changed since they're accostumed on how it looks and think of it as 'part of their personality'.
In the end, the decision is yours. But I really recommend you to just leave him and find a new person or just don't date at all for a while. Just remember that you'll probably never forget him since he was your first, but not your real love. He may be out there, you know, your real love, and you may just be losing time with him because you're spending it with this guy.
Good luck.
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