A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I’m in a 6 year old relationship and I’m trapped. We broke up 3 years ago and then she found out she was pregnant so we got back together and I love my boy more than anything in the world and would do anything for him. The relationship was never right when we got back together. Her parents don’t like me and my parents died when I was a teenager so I want a family connection and have made loads of effort with hers but for whatever reason they don’t think I’m good enough. I work loads of hours and earn a good wage in order to provide for her and my boy but she spends the money before I’ve earned it and refuses to work herself. As soon as I get home from work she goes out to her friends and often isn’t home til really late not that I mind because it gives me time with my boy but if I ever want to do anything I’m not allowed. She checks my phone all the time even though I’ve never been unfaithful and given her no reason to doubt me. I feel like I couldn’t do more I’ve tried talking to her so many times and she just says things are fine as they are but we argue non stop. I want to leave but she’s said she will move away so I won’t be able to see my boy anymore and I can’t imagine a day going by where I don’t see him. I never want that so I’m stuck but I’m so unhappy
View related questions:
broke up, got back together, money, trapped Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2023): You have a power. She is not the only one who has a power in this relationship.
Money spending is a very serious issue. She doesn't own you. Even if you were married she still doesn't own you.
First thing what I would do is to give her hehell about finances. I was in similar situation with my husband when I was a bread winner for many years and he just spent money on whatever he wanted, stupid things and never contributed to household saying he makes very little.
I started methodically giving gim hell about every dollar he spent.. Otherwise these users will make your life he'll like ypur girlfriend does..
Another question: does your son goes to daycare? Mothers ussualy prefer to stay home with babies untill they start full time preschool. May be that's why she doesnt work
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2023): I'm sorry to say that if your not on the birth certificate and even if you are she could deny you visits to your son .
What to do . Seek legal advice . But I'm afraid the likely hood of seeing your son would be next to nil .
My advice . Wait it out until he's around 8 or 10. The court will give your son the right to a voice .
Don't hand all your pay over. Pay the rent and bills yourself . Get shopping in and clothes for your son . Give her 50 pound a month and tell her if she wishes anymore get a job . Save ..
Explain all the finances and say your taking care of them. Don't tell her your waiting on your son growing up .
I would never keep my husband from his kids even if we didn't work out but not everyone thinks like that
...............................
A
male
reader, mrblack616 +, writes (11 March 2023):
I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling trapped in your relationship and that you're feeling understandably unhappy. It sounds like you've been working incredibly hard to support your partner and your son, financially and emotionally, and it's frustrating that you're not receiving the support and connection from your partner's family that you're seeking.
It's important to address the underlying issues in your relationship and determine if there's a path forward that's healthy and fulfilling for both you and your partner. Open communication is key, and it's important to have an honest conversation with your partner about your feelings, concerns, and what you need in the relationship to feel fulfilled and happy.
It's also important to recognize that your partner's threats of moving away may be a power play or a way to control your decision-making process. This is not healthy behavior and you have the right to prioritize your own well-being and happiness.
You should also consider seeking advice from a therapist or counselor who can help you navigate the complexities of your situation and help you make a plan that takes into account your needs as well as those of your son.
Ultimately, it's important to prioritize your own happiness and well-being, while also considering your son's well-being and the potential impact of any decisions you make on his life. This is a difficult situation, but with the right support and resources, you can find a path forward that works for you and your family.
...............................
A
male
reader, kenny + ♥, writes (10 March 2023):
 At the end of the day like Honeypie says you are not married to her so stop giving her all your money for her to squander away on herself and nights out no doubt.
I know you got back together with her because you had a child with her, but you can maybe see now that this was not the best option and not healthy for anyone, including your child.
I would obtain some legal advice, start contemplating an exit plan, and don't divulge anything to her about what's going on. You really don't need to involve her in anything thats not to do with your child.
You and your child are the most important thing now, her and her family are nothing to do with you so what that think or say is irrelevant.
Seek legal advice and get this exit plan in place sooner rather than later.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2023): "I want to leave but she’s said she will move away so I won’t be able to see my boy anymore and I can’t imagine a day going by where I don’t see him."
I know fathers who have gone through hell and high-water to get to their kids. Besides, kids grow to hate mothers who tear them away from their fathers for no reason other than spite. They will also reach an age when they can make a choice between parents; or they will become rebellious teenagers, and make her life a living hell. Women who are spiteful and deny their children fathers out of vindictiveness deserve it when the kid becomes too much of a handful. With the exception, that if he is a bad man; she needs to get as far away from him as she can. If the reason is just because she's being spiteful, that can be fought through the court system.
That's what courts and lawyers are for. You're not in a marriage, you share a child. You don't have to kill yourself trying to make a non-existent relationship work; with a woman who uses your child as a tether and chain.
You have a moral and legal obligation to financially-support your son. You should do your best to be a good father; but your only binding responsibility is to be there for "him" when "he" needs you. You've never mentioned in the post that you love her, or if you ever have.
Your portrayal of your relationship with this woman goes as follows. You're basically her ATM, built-in babysitter, and shift-relief; to allow her to go out and enjoy herself when you get home from work. I have to be honest, both parents should be nurturing and raising the child. He's your kid too, and you should be bonding and spending as much time as possible with him. It's both a pleasure, and your fatherly-duty.
She won't work, and will refuse to; because you didn't reach a mutual-agreement between you that she'd get a job when the child reached a certain age. You've given her the choice to opt-out of sharing the responsibility of working and contributing to the household income. You've locked yourself into a trap, and a faux-marriage; but now you're blaming her for becoming her make-believe husband under duress. You didn't have to do that. It's blatantly obvious you stayed, because you got her pregnant; not because you love her. Oh, she's going to punish you for that!
If she moves away, and takes the child with her; as long as you're the father, you have paternal-rights. That is, unless you legally give them up. She doesn't even have a job, how is she going to just pull-up roots and move someplace, and not be able to support her child and herself? You can challenge her for child-custody and visitation-rights. That's not easy, when you're not her husband; but it's not impossible.
You just have to wisely decide how you can remove yourself from the forced-relationship/entrapment with the child's mother, without losing your paternal-rights; and that is done by seeking legal process. If the child is still a toddler, it's highly unlikely any court would take the child away from its mother; unless she was proven a danger to the child's safety and welfare, unfit due to mental-illness, drug-addiction, or abusive to the child. Otherwise, she is the custodial-parent; but courts workout your visitation-schedules; and lawyers fight for your rights as a father under difficult circumstances that are not in the best interest of the child.
She didn't trap you, you've trapped yourself; because you don't have a plan. The worst thing you could do, is abandon your child without asserting your legal-rights as a father.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (9 March 2023):
 This doesn't sound healthy. Neither for you OR your son.
It sounds like she takes full advantage of you. Because she KNOWS you want a family. You are basically PAYING to play house with her. That is it.
You could still spend time with your son and NOT pay for HER to treat you like dirt.
You two broke up for a reason 3 years ago. Your son can't FIX what isn't working.
Personally? I'd make an exit plan, and talk to a SOLICITOR about child support and visitation schedule. And mention how the has threatened to move away with your son.
Also, STOP giving her full access to your money! You are NOT married!
Open a new bank account and have your paycheck go there DO NOT give her access. Don't even tell her about it.
You DO NOT OWE to pay for everything, OP! Again, YOU are not married to her!
It might seem like she has you by the balls, but the ball is in YOUR court. TALK to a solicitor and make an exit plan. Figure out how YOU can best help raise your son with out being her doormat, atm, and punching bag.
...............................
|
