A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi. I am in a mess of a situation. I am a married woman of five years and I have 2 children. I'm 26 years old. I have been with my husband for 10 years total. He was my first and only boyfriend and my first and only for everything. Since the beginning of our relationship, I've always felt like something was off. I broke up with him 3 0r 4 times during the dating relationship. He would literally cry on my moms shoulder and she would convince me to take him back. Then when I was 18, I got pregnant, and a year later we were married... During our marriage, he was always out with friends, never spent time with me and our son. I had to beg for sex, and when he finally did sleep with me, he got off and I was left high and dry. To this day he has never gotten me to orgasm. Maybe I'm being too picky, but for me sex is an important part of marriage. Being turned down all the time and never reaching orgasm leaves me feeling really hurt. To move things along, about 3 months ago, I met someone online, I wasn't looking for anyone, he found me. I have feelings for this guy, and I told my husband about all of it. So our marriage is kinda rocky.. The thing is, I haven't felt in love with my husband for years already.. and when he pushes for sex now, i will say no cause i'm not feeling it. But the last 3 times we have slept together, I cry, and cry. I dont know why exactly. I haven't spoken to the guy online for several weeks already, he was very understanding about it. I told him I should try to make my marriage work.. My heart is missing my online guy. Please help me..
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2012): Your unhappiness is such a soul hurt. You should first seek counselling before contacting your online DISTRACTION. You need to sort out a lot of your pain and get better coping skills as well as problem solving skills.
The decisions you have made have been poor or have been put on others which leaves you a victim if you ask me.
No one can be happy when they feel or perceive they are not in control of their life.
Then as you get stronger and wiser and are healthier; you'll see things clearer and make sound decisions from a place of health which will also mean happier results.
I don't think your Husband even knows how to love either. Sex is not love. Nor is we are together because we are both afraid to be alone. Let alone, we are together because of the kids.
It is noble and best for children to be in a LOVING home with two happy, healthy Parents that honour one another.
Also how do you meet someone online when you are married and should not be on sites that do not support your marriage, regardless of how unhappy you are or lonely?
To be a person that is trustworthy, you still need to uphold the fidelity of the marriage. This way you are guilt free. It also makes you a woman of strong character and living honestly brings lasting happiness.
So, seek counselling. No more intimacy with the Husband until you get some healing and get emotionally fitter. You are hurt and resentful and well, Hubby as neglected you which is emotional abuse. Husband is also lazy and selfish that he would not take delight in pleasuring you and making you feel good, adored, loved and like a Goddess. A man in love WANTS to have his woman be pleased in the boudoir.
When a woman is hurting so much, having any form of sexual intimacy just makes things worse. So hold off for now.
Start dating and doing thoughtful things.
If you are still unhappy; I'm sure you then will make a better decision in the future.
Get proactive, take charge of your life and happiness. A part of that is to be the best Mom you will ever be.
Peace Be Yours!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2012): sounds rough. you have 2 options. seperation. from my experience that is also rough. always hard and always hurts not always you but everyone around you. then there is the rough road. working things out. you say you broke up many times but so got back together even if it was your mom telling you too. there must have been a reason on why you liked him in the first place. there must be something about him that made you want to date him in the first place. something that made you want to be with him. those are always things to hold on too. everyone can fall out of love. thats cause you both let the love run dry. talk with him. spend time with him. take him on a date, you set it up and see what he does. if he does truly love you he will listen to your concerns. if you just ignore him things will never get better. you have to make an effort to make it work. there had to be a reason he started dating you in the first place too. there was a reason he wanted to be with you. talk to him and see if he remembers what those reasons are and see if that sparks anything. spend some quality time with him and talk. really talk to him and see if you can connect. for the online guy they usually seem to just add trouble. my advice dont talk to him again. leave him be. if he did truly understand then let that be the end of it.really hope you can find a way to work things out. hoping for you
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2012): Previous male anon to previous female anon (not sure if female anon is OP, assume she may be due to defensiveness displayed in post):"My mom and dad got married at 18."They have been having a happy marriage for the past 50 something years."One cannot judge everyone with the same yardstick"Congratulations on your parents' happy lifetime marriage. My late parents were married for 35 years (first and only for each) until my father's untimely death at age 65 due to illness. Did your mom start having sex at 16 like OP? Did your mom break up with your dad three or four times during the dating relationship like OP? Did your dad cry on your maternal grandmother's shoulder every time like OP's husband? Did your grandmother convince your mom to take your dad back every time like OP's mother?A woman who marries a guy who genuinely loves her and is a suitable husband and father will generally enjoy a stable, happy, enduring lifetime marriage whether she gets married at 18 or 30 (when my late mother got married). A woman who enters into an ill-advised marriage to a immature, irresponsible crybaby who has already proven himself to be an inadequate boyfriend and is already an out-of-wedlock father will generally suffer through an unstable, unhappy, tenuous marriage that leaves her tempted to stray whether she gets married at 18, 30, 45, or 97. If OP had a happy marriage, then she wouldn't be tempted to cheat with an online stranger. If OP had not irresponsibly had unprotected sex as a teenager with an immature, crybaby boyfriend, then she wouldn't have found herself knocked-up by and subsequently married to the guy with whom she is so unhappy that she's tempted to cheat with an online stranger. I'm sure there are plenty of couples who got married as teenagers and now enjoy enduring first-and-only marriages of varying durations from five to seventy-five years. However, those wives are NOT posting on Dear Cupid asking for advice on how to make their marriages work while they pine for online fantasyland strangers.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2012): it sounds like a very hard situation. i do agree with the other person about you both being married before you both lived a little has probably put things on both of you. you both wished you could have lived a little more and he spent time away while you were with your son. its not always fair. life is not always fair sometimes.
now you do have kids. you have to realize that anything you and him do will effect your kids for the rest of there lives and there childrens lives. sometimes you have to hang on to even just the love of your children to get you thru the hard times with your husband.
now the online guy. just forget him all he will do is just keep cause problems in your heart and will make your marriage even worse then it already is.
if your husband really does love you and is willing to work on your marriage then you need to sit him down and talk with him. what is important to you! what you need from him to feel full again. you can always find a way to love him again its your choice. you loved him once and there has to still be those reasons for loving him. but it also seems like you both ran out of love for each other. there is a great book called " the 5 love languages" it helps explain the falling in love and out of love at the beginning part of marriage. after you fell out of love he probably was not meeting your needs. did you talk to him about those needs? you need to. a marriage is about communication and if you do not communicate with each other how are you suppose to know what the other persons needs really are.
my opinion is that you stick it out. everyone has rough parts in there marriages. but you need to try and show him love. if you lead by example and show him love see if he shows you love back. talk with him. spend real time with him. share your thoughts with him and open to him. if you show him you love him and that you are willing to work thru all of your problems and he accepts that then there is always hope. life is never promised to be easy. dont pack your bags and just run from your situation to some other guy cause chances are your problems will fallow you and will only continue. find a way to work with your husband. talk with counsellers or even your chruch but there is always a way to make things work. dont give up on your husband. lend him your hand and show him how to love you. how to fill your heart so you can feel loved again. if that means you have to guide him back there then do it. if he really wants to make it work with you he will listen.
good luck and god bless
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2012): We are all humans.We make mistakes.I have been an aunt in this website for a long long time.My mom and dad got married at 18.They have been having a happy marriage for the past 50 something years.One cannot judge everyone with the same yardstick
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2012): 'For better or for worse'. From what you are saying, it appears that you both never have 'soul time' together.You may be wondering what I mean by that. Soul time is when two people in a close relationship either by blood or marriage decide to spend sometime just with each other. It can be between a father and son, mother and daughter,between two brothers or two sisters, a grandparent and grandchild, husband and wife and so on. The purpose of soul time is to strenghten bonds between you and an individual member of your family and teaches you to be appreciative and grateful of them being a part of your life. Too often in this materialistic age, we live in, we tend to lose sight of how precious the members who make up our family are and we end up taking them for granted. We become strangers amoungst ourselves in our own families. I don't believe that he means to make you unhappy. You are his wife and the mother of his children. He hasn't failed you yet by cheating on you right? He has taken you for granted so long, he has lost sight of how important you are to him. In marriage it is our spouses who give us happiness, and in return, we give them happiness back. He cannot give you the kind of happiness you desire of him as your husband because he doesn't know what you want from him as his wife because you both never have soul time. If you believe with your heart that your marriage is worth fighting for than may I offer a suggestion: Take a break away from your husband. Don't give any reason why. Just say you just want some time away with your relatives. Take the younger child with you and leave the older one with him. In this way he can have soul time with his own child. Go and stay with some out-of-town relatives. Be sure to give him a phone number but once away don't call him. Let him call you. The longer you are away, the more he will miss you and his child. And when he does come around and wants you both to come back, that will be the opportune moment for you to ask him for some soul time. By then he will be willing to give you anything, just to have you back. Once you both get that soul time, you'll finally have the opportunity to pour out your disappointments, frustrations and tears to him and he'll be humble enough to receive them and start doing something about it as your husband. Sometimes in order for love to strenghten, seperation is necessary. It's a suggestion
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A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (23 November 2012):
 Hi You need to remember there is a difference between marriage and a fantasy. It starts as a fantasy and ends in a marriage. You have not met the online friend, who could be anything and may not even be real. I recommend that you start geting counselling and you and your husband learn to spend time together and I dont mean just have sex. I understand you want the romance, love and your dream but sometimes its not as simple as that as you also have kids. I agree sex is an important part of a marriage but so is compatability. You also owe it to your children to try and make your marriage work. I would also look for a job to get a bit of independance and try and make myself happy. You and your husband need to start talking and I dont mean argue and blame one another. TRy and understand feel what both parties need from this marriage. You cannot blame others for the decisions you made that includes marrying your husband. Hope things work out and your dont take any rush decision.
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A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (23 November 2012):
 Hi
It sounds like the 'marrying and having kids before you lived a little' syndrom for both of you.Now your unhappy disallusioned and realising theres more to life than one man who doesn't even make you happy.
Forget the online man, he is NOT what you need,he's just some stranger who makes you feel good about yourself,you were right to stop contact.
I think you need to give your marriage one last shot, see if you can make it work - together.If you can't, then make plans,start to get your finances in order and get legal advice re the children and a divorce.
One step at a time, when your free and over the divorce then is the time to start dating.Don't rush into anything though, you don't want to end up unhappy with some man AGAIN.Learn about yourself and enjoy your children.
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