A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Needing AdviceMy husband and I recently married. We had discussions about concerns prior to marrying and I thought all was settled....Wrong...My husband went to visit his new Grandbaby at his ex's home on Christmas. His son, who is in his 30's was visiting with the grandbaby from out of town. I was not invited as his Ex is bitter and I am not allowed at her home...I made the suggestion of meeting in a neutral place and my Husband turned that down stating that his son would not go for that. When he returned home he showed me pictures of his visit...I immediately noticed two things..first, he did not have his ring on and second there were two gifts wrapped with the same wrapping paper from our home in addition to the two presents I wrapped, one for his son and the other the Grandbaby. The only two people at that house was his ex, his son, his daughter-in-law and his grandbaby. I had asked him several times if he was going to get his daughter-in-law something and he responded "no". I found out later when the charge hit our account...he purchased his Ex something. I confronted him about the ring situation and he immediately became very defensive and said he was trying to mend the relationship with his thirty-something year old son and didn't want anything getting in the way. He further went on to tell me that he was sorry I didn't understand and that he couldn't help how I felt. I told him that I am his wife and his son is old enough to realize that and I felt that he was trying to hide our relationship. He counteracted with I am not sure my son knows. This is also another Lie....his ex is the reason there is a rift between his son and us to begin with. I haven't even told him I know about the gifts to the Ex. I feel betrayed and am considering Divorce as he cannot even consider my feelings at all. I need advice as to what I should do....Feeling like the "Dirty Secret"....
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2011): Hi
He sounds like a right xxxx and you should be angry ...he is so wrong in my opinion....lets get it right he has A SON but for gods sake he's 30 years old what a stupid excuse your man makes. He should repect the relationship with you ...you are now his wife and should not be left out/ lied to/ and be kept hidden.
He is so wrong in my eyes and you should make it clear.
sorry you married a selfish man that puts his wifes feelings LAST....
spunky monkey.
A
female
reader, petina1  +, writes (2 January 2011):
 He's just another one who goes into a new marriage without sorting the baggage from the old one out. The amount of times I try to tell my friends not to do this and they don't listen, and the times they come to me after a few months to cry on my shoulder about all the things theyve should have sorted out is unbelievable. I suppose that's just the way of the world. Good luck with the baggage you have.
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (2 January 2011):
good for you for leaving! he sounds very selfish. There's only so much you can do, you can't make other people change if they refuse to change their behavior.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI appreciate all the feedback. I think after trying to talk to him about my feelings and the situation it would be best to just get the anullment. He tries to turn the situation around and says I am making him unhappy because all we do is bicker....LIE!...He has been divorced for almost two years seperated for 2 years. It has only been 2 months and a few days for our marriage but already I consider these indisgretions to be pretty serious. His problems between his 35 yr old son stemmed from before I ever was in the picture. His ex has told the son several lies or stretched truths and the son is upset about that compiled with my husband lying about our relationship to his son in the beginning. I have wanted to be apart of my stepson's life but my husband has not let me be involved. I made the suggestion that we meet his son in a public place so he could see his new grandbaby and I was shot down. His Ex is bitter because she has never had to work and has in the past years had to work a menial job so she could keep the house...he didn't want it and told her she could have it. I work full time and my check accounts for 3/4 of our income. I feel like I am just his TOY.....he says he's unhappy but still tries to have sex....NOT!....I can't mix the two feelings. I am 14 yrs younger then he is and 10 yrs younger then his wife. Also when his mother passed away early December, his Ex told him that she would not go to the funeral if I was going to be there...He told her I didn't have to go...I had a good relationship with his mother and it hurt me deeply. I put my foot down and told him I was going and that his Ex needed "to put her Big Girl panties on and attend. I should not have been the issue at a time like this. I just am crushed after all of this.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2010): He was not helping your marriage with lie and he's not going to help his son and his relationship with lies either. And I know people may disagree with me about this but where your are not welcome he is not either. I can not imagine going somewhere where my husband was not welcomed also. We are a package! And if he was going to buy his ex a gift he should have talked to u about it. I can't see myself buying a gift for someone who doesn't except my husband as my husband. Same thing goes you don't like my hubby then u don't like me. Period. And his son is 30 somethig! Seriously! He has a rift wit his father because of his mother? He needs to grow up. U r in a hard spot. I don't know if u should stay with him or not but if u choice not to maybe anulment is an option. Because if u haven't been married long and u were under the impression things were going to be different than they are u might want to look into that. It sound like there's going to be a lot more trouble ahead. Im sorry for your situation.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2010): How long was he married to the ex for? How long now divorced?
How recent is your marriage?
Were u involved with him while being married?
Why is his ex bitter?
Why was there a fallout with his son?
By removing his wedding rings he is telling the world and his ex and his son , that he is not married. He has also not told anyone that he married you.
He bought his ex gifts for Xmas on the sly- means he still has feelings for her.
This man is leading 2 lives. Perhaps giving his ex hope that they can/will reconcile and he has you. You are right, u are his so called dirty secret he keep from his real family.
If u want to save yourself years of pain and heartache, you know what u need to do. Your husband may have moved on by a mere new marriage but everything about him is him still valuing his previous life with his ex.
LoveGirl
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2010): It's unfair that prior to marrying you and him had discussions which left you feeling all was settled only to be shown the opposite. was he lying to you all this time about the way things are?
How recently have you been married?
his son is 30-something, for crying out loud that's certainly old enough to handle his parents' divorce and father's re-marriage!
maybe you and him need to go to a marriage or family counselor, the counselor can help him put things in perspective and figure out how to deal with his son and ex.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (29 December 2010):
 I can certainly understand why you're feeling the way you are. This is all pretty shady behavior.
I think you should have his son over, or at a minimum all go to dinner together. You're right that his son is old enough to realize how the world works.
Things to consider though.
How fresh is the divorce? The more recent, the less forgiving people will be.
What was the reason for the divorce? If it is seen by the majority of the family as your husband's fault, you're in a no win situation.
How long were they married?
How recent is recently married? 6 months, a year...
Family politics are very complicated. It's very possible he is right in some of the ways he's handling this, although I definitely think the wedding ring thing was rotten.
With that much history, you can't expect changes overnight, but you also shouldn't be hidden away from the family. That's your step son now too. You should get to know each other.
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A
female
reader, petina1 +, writes (29 December 2010):
It can be quite a problem when people marry and leave kids and family behind to start again. There is a lot of hurt going on with all concerned. He sounds like he is an innocent party to all this really because if he was been devious he would not have shown you pictures of the day knowing lots of 'clue's would be in it. He probably is saving his sons feelings as well. They all need time to adjust to the fact that he has a new wife and a new life now as well. Do all these feelings stem from the way you two got together? Was it a natural ending to his first marriage or did you two have an affair first. In any case time will have to make things calm down, it's early days yet and people have to come to terms with it all.
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