A
male
age
30-35,
*ookback
writes:Hello everyone, I'd like some advice.Me and my GF are having some relationship issues but we talked and are trying to fix it.My question is about something else though.We're both in the same class and I'm making her assignments for her, I know this is wrong, but please accept this.I've been doing this for a long time now, and she's promised me bedroom-related things as motivation and I'm ok with that.Problem is it's never come to that, I make the assignment, she puts it off, next assignment comes up.I don't want to make a fuss because she'll fail her year if I don't do it.Now we're just after a big assignment which took me several days of 3D modeling. (in work hours, over a few weeks time)She promised to think of something to reward me, but then we had a fight. Now we're trying again but the next assignment has come up.I've decided to be forthcoming and made a start at it.Is it ok for me to ask for her for "reward" or motivation before I continue? Or after all that should I just decide to do it anyway without reward or stop? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, lookback +, writes (25 April 2012):
lookback is verified as being by the original poster of the question@ a few peopleIt's not the payment I want really.I want her to want to do these things with me I guess, but she doesn't anymore it seems.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2012): "She used to love me you know, we were so very happy.
I just can't dump her, I can't give up hope of getting that back."
OP what hope is there? What evidence have you got that there is hope? You can't just blindly being her doormat based on hope. Stop doing her assignments and see what happens. I bet you she'll dump you. Want to know if there is any hope, then don't do her assignments anymore regardless of whether she has sex with you. You will see of there is any but I bet she'll dump you and blame you for it. I bet you 100 euros and I'll even PM my bank account details so you can pay up (only joking).
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2012): Ja wel Maverick, Ik heb het al geleered omdat ik het een moie taal vind en heb ik drie jaar in Utrecht gewoont. Ik versta het wel maar ik kan het niet goed spreeken of schrieven.
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A
female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (25 April 2012):
Listen, putting it off means she's never going to hold up her end of the bargain. She's just going to dangle that carrot in front of you but you'll never get it. She's just hoping that by the time you realize this you'll have done all her assignments. Dump her. A girlfriend like that is not a girlfriend at all, she's just using you.
@Cerberus, I didn't know you knew Dutch. What a quaint opportunity to use that word ;-)
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A
male
reader, lookback +, writes (25 April 2012):
lookback is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe used to love me you know, we were so very happy.
I just can't dump her, I can't give up hope of getting that back.
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A
male
reader, Hugh.J  +, writes (25 April 2012):
 Good that you are stopping the assignments, but why would you want to continue the relationship? Frankly, in view of her behaviour - welshing on her part of the "bargain" - as long as it didn't get you into trouble I would go to her tutors and tell them that all her assignments were plaguerised.
Just that comment alone should be enough, without your having to implicate yourself, but be prepared to provide evidence, preferably without harming yourself.
Or maybe just the threat of doing so will get you your "payment"?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2012): Godverdomme lookback are you going to go through life making deals with people and allowing them not to fulfil their end of the bargain? Let's say I asked you to do an assignment for me and I promised to pay you 50 bucks, would you keep doing these assignments in the future if I never paid you?
Would you even hand over that assignment without me paying up first? No you wouldn't so you shouldn't allow your girlfriend do that either.
Now onto the real issue here, look back if you have to bribe your own girlfriend for sex then you need to dump her and move on. Sex should never be a bargaining tool in a relationship, sure you can give extra or bonus stuff as a reward but never in the way you and girlfriend have proposed and definitely not when you don't even get that reward.
She's using you plain and simple. It sounds to me that she doesn't even want to be with you anymore and is only keeping you around because you're useful.
I have to agree with the others,dump her before she dumps you. Stop this game and impose no more conditions because she will probably sleep with you just to keep you around doing her assignments but she'll only do just enough and she won't step it up at all.
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A
male
reader, Myau  +, writes (25 April 2012):
 Break up with her before she breaks up with you.
Its over dude
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A
male
reader, lookback +, writes (25 April 2012):
lookback is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all, I'm telling her I'm stopping to do this.
Depending on her reaction I will either break up with her, or tell her my conditions for continuing.
Any additional replies would be greatly appreciated.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (25 April 2012):
 You need to view this for what it is, an exchange of services, or product, and one of you are not keeping the bargain.
Would you do business like this, pay for a product (do the assignment) and pay again for the product (another assignment) and again, (another assignment), with no payment (sex).
Tell her she has a lot of catching up to do, and no more assignments until she has paid her debt in full.
There ya go, and I didn't once mention the fact you doing her assignments is wrong, although it is, and that you have been suckered, which you have. I feel quite pleased with myself.
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A
male
reader, Hugh.J +, writes (25 April 2012):
All good points here, but any relationship that uses sex and intimacy as bargaining counters isn't worth having and is doomed to failure. There is clearly very little genuine love or affection there, at least on her part, and you are being used. What will happen at the end of her course and you are of no further use to her?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2012): exchanging assignments for sex, is weird in the very least especially when the person you're charging sexual favors is your own girlfriend. If sex with you was enjoyable for her she'd want to do it regardless of the ulterior motivations.
You said that you guys have some issues already, so what I think is, she's putting off breaking up with you so you'll keep doing her assignments and she'll pass. One thing is clear to me, your relationship has ran it's course, and whether or not you keep doing her assignments is up to you
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A
male
reader, lookback +, writes (25 April 2012):
lookback is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe used to greatly enjoy it, she gradually lost interest in the physical part of the relationship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2012): This is wrong on so many levels.Where to start....You should stop doing her work for her. It is academic dishonesty. It is academic cheating. Both of you could get kicked out of the school if it was found out. This is serious. You're doing her no favors by doing her work for her and helping her be a cheat. What if she gets a job she's actually not qualified to do are you going to go to her job for her too?Apart from that. If you had an agreement and you've kept your part but she hasn't kept hers you should stop doing your part until she keeps her promises.Also this is not a good sign of how she feels about you. It sounds like she's not really into you and is just using you to get ahead in life. She would make a good politician, ha.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (25 April 2012):
 Whether she lost interest in sex before your agreement or afterward, one thing seems clear. She sees sex or perhaps just those sexual activities you've bartered for, as a chore. Which is why she's reluctant to perform them. She probably enters into the agreement in good faith but when the time comes to redeem those favours the price suddenly seems a bit too high.
I'm guessing she wasn't overly enthusiastic before this or you wouldn't have had to 'pay' for it. Is that correct?
I suggest you bin this arrangement because it clearly isn't working. You're not getting your 'reward' and she is weighed down with the expectation of it.
Whether she passes or fails is her choice so let her make it. If you have to pay your girlfriend to be intimate with you, then perhaps this relationship has run its course.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2012): I don't think it is appropriate for you to ask your girl for sexual favours if you complete her assignments. The best thing you could do for your girlfriend is let her do the work herself otherwise she will never learn, if she fails it is on her. You cannot keep doing her work for her.
A woman cannot perform sexually on demand. Do you not think you are also losing part of your own pride in order to get laid you have to do work for your girl?. Bad deal on so many levels.
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A
male
reader, SWbytrade +, writes (25 April 2012):
I think she's using you a bit my friend, and you're taking it hook line and sinker. The fact that she has never once committed to fulfilling her end of the bargain, and because you still have that hope she will do it, you keep helping her. The ultimate test would be for you to tell her you're really busy, and would love to help, but you can't. See how she reacts. Another question is, in your relationship so far, how intimate have you gotten already? If the answer is not much, or none within several months of dating, I'm sorry to say she's playing you. My gut instinct is that you will never get that "reward."Test her and see what she says when you say you can't help her because you're too busy. Don't give in, even if she tempts you. And if she does, call her on her bluff and see if she'll do ANYTHING. If not, forget it buddy. She's a player.
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