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female
age
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*affling
writes:I dated a man 5 years ago for a short period of time. I was crazy about him but didnt think he returned my deep feelings. I moved on romantically,and got married to a very lovely person after 18 months of dating. I remained friends with my old date, as he is a wonderful man. He has become friends with my entire family, but I have realized over the past few years that I am still very much in love with him. An affair seems very wrong and we are both not hurtful people. I know the feelings are mutual. He is the right partner for me. We have the same values and want the same things out of life. Do I follow my heart to the man I know is the man I am supposed to have as my life partner, or do i stay where I made a commitment and quietly long for the love of my life until the end of time.?
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2010): wow, I could have written this myself. I didn't date the guy though we are very good friends. I've seen him through girlfriends, and he has seen me through boyfriends. I eventually decided he'd never feel I was more than a friend or sister figure, and married a great guy. He is now married as well, and we both have kids.
recently the topic came up, and he asked if I'd ever thought "that way" about him, and I was honest. He admitted he felt that way too and always had, but we both agreed on the spot that knowing now wouldn't change anything between us.
If we hadn't made the choices we did, we wouldn't be where we are, or have our (seperately) great kids. We are both committed to making our marriages work, even through rough times, of which there are many, as we both married our "opposites". We continue on knowing we care deeply for each other, but knowing we won't be together as more than friends. It's tough some days, but neither of us would throw away what we have, as we love our spouses as well. I don't know how you feel about it, but I find there is always enough love to go around, so long as you don't add anything more to the mix.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2009): I really feel for you I know what its like to be married and have feelings for someone else. I am in the same boat. The question you have to answer is will he be there for you when it matters the most. I love my husband and plan on staying together for the long haul. It is not easy to be with the same man for a long time. Any one can be tempted to stray and flirt but it is worth it risking it all? I think not if he is a good man and father it is worth more than feelings of disire for another. I say that from experience. god Bless
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2008): Hear hear to Collaroy's advice! You are being unfair to your husband by depriving him of your friendship and thoughts. Don't waste his time by mooning after this other guy-- either walk out of your marriage to take your chances, or else cut off contact with your ex and work on your marriage. And do it now.
Frankly IMO it's a bad policy to "stay friends" with an ex unless you have absolutely no chemistry.
If you do choose to work on your marriage, try to figure out what it is that your ex offers that you aren't getting out of your marriage. Then see if there's a way that you can work with your husband to fulfill these needs, whether they be admiration, sexual fulfillment, physical attraction, conversation, or affection.
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female
reader, Susan Strict  +, writes (15 June 2008):
 I would say never "follow your heart" unless/until you have taken a step back and made sure it feels right in your head too. Common sense and being practical makes lasting relationships, not just love.
I would also say never stay with someone - or leave them - because you feel you "owe them". That's not a reason. It's an excuse for not making a proper, sensible decision.
You say you "know the feelings are mutual". Have you actually discussed his feelings with him? You thought you were wrong before - you thought your feelings weren't being returned. Ask yourself why you thought that.
You CAN love two men at once. You can even be in love with two men at once, but ultimately you have to make a decision. Base that decision on the future, not the past. Look at both short-term and long-term future. Consider where you want to be going and who you want to go there with.
A marriage commitment is a serious matter, and you certainly shouldn't break it lightly. There will always be men who appear more desirable at one point or another in every marriage - and the temptation to leave and go with them is something that most of us experience at one time or another. And most of us resist it.
No one can make the decision for you, I just hope you can think long and hard without "stars in your eyes" before you make it - and I hope that some of what has been said here helps you to do that thinking.
Good luck.
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female
reader, waffling +, writes (15 June 2008):
waffling is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your sincerity..Maybe I needed to hear that. I want to do the right thing.. I owe him that...so thanks
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male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (15 June 2008):
 Hi,
I'm sorry but you don't really seem to be terribly concerned about your husband save for the comment that he is a lovely man. Its all about you and your ex flame.
If you truly love your husband you will cut off contact with the ex. it is clear that you two have alterior motives which I'm sure you're husband is completely unaware of. By maintaing contact you are merely feeding the beast, you have both proven that the "friendship" is a sham and is nothing less than an affair - albeit an emotional one.
If you cannot devote the attention to your husband you have to fess up and at least let him get on with his life, hopefully with someone who can commit herself to a relationship.
good luck and do the right thing.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2008): Don't waste your time any longer if you really believe this guy is right for you then approach him and tell him your feelings. You are not unhappy - but you are not that happy either. Eventually you will just become numb.
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