A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I am in a desperate situation and need advice. My long distance boyfriend has given me an ultimatum. He moved a long way away after being with me for a year and we have been apart for 9 months. During that time I have only been able to see him once for a week. Every day he has said he wants me to be with him. However I would be giving up a lot. Over the last week he has been telling me if I don't get out to be with him for a couple of months it is over. I have become terrified and each day over the last week I have tried to bring myself to book the flight but just cannot. Fear and anxiety at the pressure on me to make this all work combined with worry and sadness at the potential end of our relationship keeps me from taking action. This morning he has told me that if I am not there in 48 hours it is over he is sick of hanging on for me. He is unrelenting in giving me any slack and says he has waited long enough. He says our relationship is damaged and needs repairing from all of this time apart. He told me today that if I'm not on the plane to forget it he doesn't want to hear from me again and its time to move on. I have had many factors including depression that have contributed to my problem and 'mental block' as well as trying to change my job direction and finances. He told me to stick my dog in a kennel for 3 months - this is just not possible and I have nobody who can look after him. I would only be able to manage 2 -3 weeks at most for him with family. Again he has told me this isn't good enough. He's told me that if I love him I will get on the flight and that 'deep down he has to do it this way'. I feel really pressured but know I have been to blame for not getting out to see him. I love him very much but I'm feeling sick with worry. I have not slept for days. He has a stable job and home and I feel my life is crumbling. I feel weak without him, since he left life has been rough, but with this threat I feel very hurt. He believes that shouting at me and threatening to finish is the only way I will get on the plane. I know people snap but I don't know what to do...if I don't go I will never know if the life he is offering is better but I'm not sure by the way he is doing this whether we have anything left to save.
View related questions:
long distance, move on Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Ask oldersister  +, writes (17 May 2008):
 I don't believe that giving in to his threats and demands will really accomplish what he says it will- building the relationship from being apart. I think there is something else going on here because he sounds so extreme, unrealistic, and panicky. For some reason, he feels all of the sudden that this relationship is in trouble but I don't know if it's because of something that's come up on his end or if he perceives something happening on your end that is a threat to the relationship. If your boyfriend was acting out of his love for you, he would not make these kind of demands that erode your quality of life and contribute to you feeling weak. He would make you feel secure in the relationship and discuss things with you in a supportive way, he is coming from a place of distrust and fear which would make anyone on the receiving end of that miserable. It has to be scary to think that in order to salvage your relationship, you would have to make such drastic moves, against your best interests possibly, immediately in order to quench his fears. I think these drastic measures are in direct proportion to what is wrong in the relationship and this was something you were totally caught off guard by because he hasn't been communicating what's wrong. The fact that he doesn't see this as partly his responsibility and 100% your responsibility suggests he doesn't feel any accountability for his actions and is placing 100% blame on you. Is this someone you want to be in a relationship with?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2008): He is in New Zealand
...............................
A
female
reader, jabey + ♥, writes (17 May 2008):
difficult to anwser this question without knowing exactly how far away he is.
Can you go for a week or 2 weeks only ?
If you could then perhaps that would be the compromise, go and have a short holiday with him. This way you will be able to see his life and also asess if you really want to be with him and his lifestyle.
Im afraid there a few contradictions in your problem. on one hand you say you want him and dont want to loose him, but on the other hand you dont seem to keen on going to see him.
I am a beleiver that if you truly love someone you will move heaven and earth to be with them.
You say your life has been a mess without him, so why the reluctance to go find him and decide if it is he you want.
If you were saying your life were great and you having a great time, then yes maybe you dont need to follow him.
I think it sounds as if he loves you and is desperate to be with you and is getting frustrated and feels an ultimation is the only way to be with you. Probably the wrong way to go about it, but embrace the fact he is so desperate to see you. Rather that than him say, dont bother coming to see me.....
...............................
A
male
reader, WizardOfWaz + ♥, writes (17 May 2008):
 Sounds to me like there is nothing left to save apart from your own self-esteem. You've had your problems and instead of sharing and understanding them, your guy just cranked up the pressure on you to do what he wants.
His lack of concern for your welfare should have got your alarm bells ringing far more than his selfish ultimations. Why you "feel weak without him" is difficuilt to understand as he is obviously the main cause of your lack of self-confidence not the cure.
The cure lies in you telling him what you want and putting a complete stop to telling him what you feel for him. So tell him shortly and bluntly that you don't accept his ultimation eg; "I'm not going to be there in 48 hrs what you choose to do about that is up to you as it is your threat not mine."
Assert yourself girl and get back into the real world.
Regards
Waz
...............................
|
