A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I'm writing about my boyfriend's sex drive. I'm slightly too impatient to weed through all the others so sorry if you have answered this 100 times before. ^^We have been together for 2 1/2 years. Like most couples, when we started, we had sex all the time. 3-4 times a week. Sometimes less sometimes more. We also started to have a family right away. It took us some time to get pregnant but we now are, 27 weeks actually. Sex has slowed down to almost nothing, even though I still want it all the time. I'm lucky to get it once a month. Usually he will only have sex with me now because he can tell I'm getting really grumpy and frustrated at everything. He has used a wide range of exuses from he didn't want to hurt the baby, what if he feels it kicking, thinking about it is a mood killer, to he simply just doesn't know why it's this way now. There are many nights where he begins foreplay in his sleep, which I love, but he just stops as soon as he is fully awake and won't continue. Which is soo frustrating. Sometimes I lie there at night and cry. or masturbate, either way, it sucks. I have tried the tricks of leaving my toys around the house to get a reaction from him and sometimes that works, but then I have already ummm taken care of business for the day. I was frustrated today and he said, "I have about 30 minuts before work, let's go have sex." I turned him down just because I don't want it to be a damned chore, but that's all it is now. Of course there is stress, and I know that can be a cause, but so what. I have many stresses myself and still want to be intimate with him. It's just destroying me and my self esteem and I don't know what to do. Any advice?
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (19 July 2008):
 Just because stress affects you one way. He may be affected quite differently. For instance, I have predominately non-attentive ADHD. With this form, I have a major inability to produce aggressive behaviors. Instead, in situations where others may become angry, my "should be" emotions turn into with held anxiety. No outward emotions attached, but severe pain in my stomach and chest area.
Sex is not a chore, and should never be one. You were right to turn him down. That situation would be playing the game his way. The problem here is the external stresses. You both have them, but by focusing on them, you're taking away from what is important. Child or no child, your family needs more attention and focus than any outside source. Sex is not just about jump on and get off. It's about the connection. Sex between a couple who's in love can be the greatest expression of that love. Focusing on the connection, and not the act is what creates true passion in a relationship.
I want the two of you to really focus on what you have now and what it could develop into. One date every couple of weeks together. At least two evenings a week, after dinner, going to the park and taking a walk. Hold hands, and really enjoy the time you get to spend together. The two of you are in charge of the life you share together. Stress and outside forces can't touch what you have together, unless you allow it too.
With the two of you, I don't believe the sex as the act is the issue. It's allowing everything else to control your lives together, instead of focusing on really connecting and focusing on the intimacy you can create by just enjoying eachother. Do that, and you'll be getting some.
Take care.
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