A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My husbamd ran a business that he was financially locked into for 4 years with a narcissistic business partner. He earned zero money and it seriously drained and stressed him out. When he got out of it, he started up again on his own and was doing really well until the government shut him down for 4 months during the lockdowns. Before lockdown he was seriously exhausted from all the work he put in. Then faced more financial pressures at shutting his business down. He has reopened again but qe are facing more strict measures again soon and his buisness will be one of the first to get locked down and therefore the major uncertainty is causing more stress on him. He has even developed alopecia type hair loss for example as a physical toll of this stress. So im here because I am struggling, being his wife. I can't talk to him about my struggles as it is added pressure on him. In the last few years, we literally only have sex while trying to conceive. But it has been 4 years, many miscarriages and one fatal fetal abnormality. Its gotten to the stage where I can barely speak to him without him getting frustrated or angry. I am his soundboard for his stresses, I can't talk about the lack of intimacy or sex or affection and I feel guilty saying this, but I am becoming somewhat resentful. He always just wants to be left alone and so I am forced to be alone too. I know he's been dealt a shitty hand, and I really shouldn't feel resentful. But I feel so alone. And my friends are all on baby number 2 and have their own child filled lives to chat with each other about. I'm busy with work (thankfully as it erases some financial burden) but I work for myself and therefore alone. I have some social anxiety and struggle to motivate myself to do things these days. I'm just at a loss as to how to ride this wave which feels never-ending given he has been so stressed out for so long.
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male
reader, ChackoRajiv  +, writes (18 August 2020):
You both need to sit and talk for sometime. Let it get opened up slowly. Enjoy your life. Be prayful. Everyone has a trouble time. The art and fun is that we need to get out of it.
The more you talk each other you will understand each other and the bonding will evolve.
Do things with a passion and love then concieving will happen too.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (17 August 2020):
 Have you seen a doctor/fertility specialist?
Maybe that is something you could think about doing. The thing is, in a marriage it's not about ONE person. You are not a bystander, OP, you are part of this duo.
So I do think that you need to talk about this with him. Maybe finding the "right time" is more important than how soon you can discuss it. If that makes sense.
I would presume that he also wants a child? That he wants his WIFE to be happy and not just be his sounding board?
Think about Stoicism. Which means you kind of HAVE to accept that there are things in this world you CAN NOT control. To "rage" against them is - well, pointless.
When he is bringing up negative things, is he venting or wanting to discuss/talk about it?
If it's the first, then just listen.
If it's the second consider it and then offer your suggestions.
Maybe consider to DO something when you BOTH have some time (like a date night - like picnic or some such) to GIVE you both a break from reality and just spend time with each other.
I DO think it's a bad idea for you to bottle everything up, I think as much as you supporting him, he should want to support you.
It IS hard to always be the one to GIVE support and IT IS hard to ASK for support or help, but I think to make your marriage the best it can be, you should let him know that you NEED him too. Need him to listen and understand.
Talk to him. that is my advice.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2020): I feel for you. You need to tell your husband how you feel, it is wrong that you pussy foot around him and his feelings all of the time at the cost of yours. Not only is it unfair and giving you more stress and loneliness but if you continue like this the gap between you gets wider and wider.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2020): OP Here: I should really add that the point of the post was not meant to draw attentions to my fertility, more it was how to ride the wave of my husbands years of major stress and be ok with it. Because it's been so long, I feel like there is no room for me in his life or that he just doesnt care. I also feel guilty for feeling this way when he is trying really hard to do his best, and is suffering regardless.
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