A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi. I've been on a couple dates with this lovely lady. We seem to be on similar pages in a lot of senses, talk well and be at similar points in life, similar backgrounds and there seems to be a good commonality in terms of attitudes and how we approach life and personalities.Objectively and thinking with the head I think wed be a good match and i would very much enjoy the general day to day life with her and can see potential for a future together.However something just seems to be missing? It feels very much like a friend at times and not sure if that excitement might evolve or not. I guess the social distanced dating isnt helping?How much emphasis fo you guys put that innate attraction, which isnt just looks I add. Problem is I could be throwing away the chance of exploring something that would make me happy in most other ways...Open to discussion...? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2020): I'm going through something similar with my boyfriend. Sounds like it's the social distancing. The old saying of opposites attract is so true..until you get to be with someone so different from you that life becomes unhappy. I'd say friendship is a slow and better start to long term attraction..you may have to wait for that moment that it happens. You're simply used to being with women you have nothing in common with..ultimately leading to quicker attention on sexual stuff. With this new woman i am guessing that you have so much to exchange and talk about that the tiny space in which sexual attraction happens is probably getting delayed. It'll happen, give it a chance. Most likely when it does happen, it'll be stronger than in your usual case, where attraction may disappear as quickly as it came. Think about it this way: if there's nothing in common you fall in love faster. But when there is more in common you become friends first and then wait for something to occur that transforms your bond. Somewhere deep within you want this to be more special and unique. It can't be as simple as man meets woman and falls in love. There has to be more to your story right? After all there's so much in common. You will also become a little cautious before sexually feeling for a friend cos if you lose this person you lose both a partner and a potential friend. INNATELY, you're delaying the process rather. But at the same time, comparing to your usual encounters probably makes you feel impatient about chasing something that is slow and unpredictable. Falling in love with someone who is also your friend is distressingly slow, awkward to initiate..I can't imagine some of my close male friends "flirting" with me but they'd easily be able to say flirty stuff to a girl they hardly know and have anything in common with! And before you know it, you have some heat going on. Sadly, men's minds have become trained to divide women into those they can intellectually connect with and sexually connect with. It takes time for them to accept a case where both overlap.Unless there IS something that you are subconsciously getting repelled by and hence there's no attraction, I'd say don't miss the bus. In my case, I think I might lose my patience very soon if my boyfriend doesn't learn to see things in a certain way. I mean i can't MAKE him see. If he does, good for him and good for us. I'm holding on to a branch that's breaking basically. Hoping that I've helped a third party in the otherside of the very same situation.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (16 August 2020):
 We are all different. For some of us (me included), the attraction grows as we get to know (and like) the person in front of us. No matter how gorgeous they are physically, if I don't like and "get" them as a person, I will not feel any "chemistry". For others, chemistry is based on physical attraction.
All I would say is that I would not write anything off after two good dates. Get to know this lovely lady a bit better before you make a decision either way.
Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2020): Maybe you're expecting too much too soon. We're in an age where we are always in a rush, expecting things to occur in a hurry; and if we don't see instant-results, many times patience is lost prematurely. Relationships that last and evolve are those that have substance and meaning.
People have a good chat, and immediately flop into bed. They've satisfied their carnal urges; then wonder why it doesn't seem to be as exciting as it was at-first? It is because it takes time to really get to know people. Trust doesn't come to you in an instant; you gradually build it with familiarity and consistency that proves that person is trustworthy. Not just because they're aware you're keeping an eye on them; but because honesty is built into their character. That is fertile soil for love to flourish.
There is also a notion that love should happen at first-sight; and the chemistry should be immediate. Maybe for some people; but that isn't always true. In fact, rarely is that true. Lust and sexual-attraction for people is immediate; because all it requires is vision and touch. The mind takes longer to establish your mental-association and psychological-attachment to a person. It has to figure-out if that person matches and meets certain criteria that provokes deep-feelings of affection and attachment.
Innate feelings awaken when the mind decides, "this is who I want to be with, and this person meets many of my emotional needs."
You should put as much emphasis on your emotional-connection as you place on the physical aspects of romance; if you want to form a meaningful-connection to a person that lasts and has durability. If it's worth it, it will withstand wear and tear, time, and take a beating. It will rise from the ashes, and it refreshes itself; because two people know they're in it for the long-haul. It's ride or die! Been there, and I've done that. I've got that right-now!
When you decide to become exclusive as a couple; commonsense dictates that you explore all the little quirks, ranges of emotion, spectrum of temper, and points of compatibility. You're dealing with a fellow human being. We may superficially share things in-common; but once put to the test, the reality is we are molded by our upbringings, instilled value-systems, level of experience, and the rate at which we've reached maturity. We might check most of the boxes from the starting-gate; but only time will tell how many. Sometimes you check all the boxes, and you end-up unchecking a few; because you have to allow for mistakes, falsehoods, disagreements, and misjudgment.
People think that living together helps them to determine how compatible they are. Here's the catch. Men expect certain things out of a relationship that comes from manhood; and women expect certain things that are gender-specific as well. Men put a lot of emphasis on sex (with and without emotional-attachment); while women tie emotion to sex (many try to compete with men in this area), and often rest their self-esteem on how long they remain desirable, and able to please her mate. It occurs in same-sex couples as well. One is primarily emotional (sometimes too much); while the other depends on logic and analysis more than he/she should.
Both forgetting that sex and passion will fluctuate with time. Sex is affected by mood, timing, and health. Your emotions govern the quality of the act of love-making. It takes maturity and experience to reach this level of understanding; and you have to be on the same page about it. Your expectations have to be within the realm of reality. You can't have storybook fairy-tale notions about love, and what it entails.
That's why people have a series of failures or short-lived relationships. You'll miss the mark every-time when you don't value trust, and don't have the self-control to resist temptation for the sake of being faithful. That's usually what's missing when people move-in together. She's most often expecting this decision will lead to something more substantial down the road; while he's mainly happy sex is going to be available on demand. Five to seven years later; they're still together, but in the same place. He never put a ring on it, and they've got two or three kids. She's fine with it, to a point. The proverbial questions are still floating in the back of her mind. Why won't he marry me? Is this all I can expect? Am I happy with things as they are? While he's hoping the m-word (marriage) doesn't come-up!
Take your time. Get to know and trust each other. Be honest with each other. Be transparent. Practice deep communication; not just superficial-conversations that only scrape the surface. Get into each-others minds and hearts; to discover the depth of your passions and dimensions of your understanding. Keep it mature, flexible, affectionate, honest, and fair.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2020): You don't say anything about if you have actually met and spent some time together. Or maybe I misunderstood. Until you actually do so, meet up and spend some time, you cannot know if you are attracted to some or not.Everyone is different. Some people need the spark to be strong in order to feel that they are in love. For some people being in love comes from admiration and respect. It's different for everybody. So what has YOUR experience been so far?Personally, I need to feel butterflies in my belly. Excitement that I am about to see that person. Otherwise, he's in a friend zone.
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