A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I've never used a site like this before as I've always prided myself on being a sensible level-headed person who can work most things out by myself. However at the moment I am just irrationally fixated on this one problem and I really hate how it effects my life.Last year I met a new guy at work and we slowly became friends. At the time I was coming to the end of a 3 yr long distance relationship and was generally not very happy and quite confused. Shortly after me and X started to become friends I decided to break up with my b/f. This had been brewing since before I met X but at the time I did wonder if he was a deciding factor. Straight away this confused things because I spend quite a while feeling guilty and getting over my breakup. All my friends were convinced that X would be my rebound as we spent so much time together. At the time we were living in the same apartment complex and I could guarantee that almost every night he would text at 9-10 to ask if I was doing anything and we would either go to the pub together or if I was tired he would find a way to come and see me e.g. suggesting a cup of tea/watching a film in my room. I usually really dislike making last minute plans but I found myself always saying yes to seeing him and even anticipating his texts. The thing is as much as I wanted to start something with him then I could never quite read his signals. His texts were never flirtatious, when he came around all those times for a chat/watch a film we would be sitting on my v. small sofa and he would never even try to sit closer and I did wonder if it was just because I was the most convenient person to spend time with as he didn’t have many friends in the city. It all sounded very platonic to me but at the same time I began to realise that he is a really decent man, we always make each other laugh, we have the same ambition and values and want the same things in life like family etc. In the summer I needed to find somewhere to live but my flatmate pulled out so through a strange twist of fate me and X now live together just the two of us. I had resigned myself to just getting over it, especially as we are now flatmates for the next 10 months but living with him properly as well as spending most days working with him has only intensified my feelings and confused me more because I can’t figure out if I genuinely am into him or that living with him has blown things out of proportion. It got to the point where I felt like I was completely losing my self esteem by yearning after this man. Thankfully I then spent 3 weeks working in a different city and when I got bk last week I felt much better about it all. The other night we had both had a bit to drink, him more so than me and were talking about some very deep things e.g. how he tends to be quite introverted, he plays his cards v. close to his chest and doesn’t usually let anyone know what he really feels (although he was telling me all of this!). Then we fell into quite a long silence and he mumbled something about his feelings but I couldn’t hear and when I asked him to repeat himself he said he meant for me not to hear it. Despite us both being 22 it felt like we were 15 and having some awkward teenager conversation. He finally got round to asking if there was anyone I found particularly attractive and I just didn’t know what to say, or what he wanted to hear because I have dropped lots of hints that I like him e.g. telling him he was attractive or I liked what he wore/his smell but always in a joking way because it’s just something I do to avoid getting hurt. He has never complimented me in the same way but treats me like his best friend or even worse - a sister whom he can tell anything to and I have never thought he felt anything more until this night. I could have said so many things to him but I didn’t. After that we very quickly moved on to talk about somethingelse and now although everything is normal as can be I am in a complete dilemma. Should I try and have it out with him and tell him my true feelings in some vain hope he feels the same? Should I just try and move on because I’ve spent the last yr after my break up hoping something would happen but nothing has and now we are flatmates. If I do tell him I don’t know when I should do it, I am really worried about the flat situation because although I do think I can take the rejection – I am a strong person and value his friendship more anyway, he may find it too strange and the last thing I want is him moving out and leaving me with the rent on my own. I don’t think I can wait 10 months like this, please help! Sorry that this is a long detailed rant, I hope that someone may have finished reading this before falling asleep and can give me their thoughts on the situation. Anon.
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ambition, at work, best friend, flatmate, flirt, long distance, move on, self esteem, text Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2008):
I'm in a similar situation with my business partner.
We don't live together, but we work together 8 hours a day. If I tell her how I feel and she doesn't feel the same way, work would become extremely awkward, just as your living situation would be if your flatmate turned you down.
I don't know what to suggest, but I hope you get it sorted out.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2008): This is an akward situation you are in. Maybe you should prepare a nice romantic dinner for the two of you. Lovely candles, some drinks nice food and then see what his reaction is. That might give you some indication.
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