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I'm cheating and should leave my marriage but I can't! I'm selfish!

Tagged as: Cheating, Marriage problems<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (25 June 2013) 7 Answers - (Newest, 26 June 2013)
A female United Kingdom age 36-40, anonymous writes:

I should leave my marriage but I can't! Husband very fond of me and I do my best but its gone for me and I don't want to cause pain to my grown up child. We get on but NO lust any more.I have a lover of 8 yrs and needless to say I love him tho he's not settling down material! Praps he's using me for sex although he's very caring. What a mess and what a nasty woman I am!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2013):

You should leave your husband, and learn to be comfortable on your own as a single woman (because that's what you will be if you leave him, as your other guy may not commit to you).

It's either that, or continue in this mess you're in. I think you will find that it's actually a lot easier to be single than you think , if you will only just do it already. You're a grown woman, you can take care of yourself, you'll be OK. in the long run you will be so glad you left your husband when you meet a new guy who you much prefer to both your husband and your current affair partner and are free to pursue that relationship without having to make it this sordid secret affair.

And even if you don't meet another guy who's as good as your current affair partner, you will not have this guilt and self-loathing hanging over your head every single day. That in itself will be an enormous relief.

I am not advising you to stay with your husband because you know that you don't have any attraction to him so there's nothing that can come of it other than to appease some sanctimonious urge (whether in you or in other people). If you and your husband are good friends, then by all means stay good friends, just without the label of "husband and wife." let him move on and find a new woman who will want him romantically in the way you don't and can't. If you stay with him, in the long run it will not solve anything it will just lead you back to where you are now, stuck. In fact, part of the reason for your predicament is precisely because you did not divorce your husband already.

In the end, as other Aunts have pointed out, this all boils down to the fact that your FEARS are causing this mess and keeping you in it. Face your fears head on or they won't ever go away.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2013):

You really need to sort this out. Ever consider the reason you DONT lust for your husband is becausr you are with another man? This is my advice Love and sex usually go hand in hand. If you are in love and happy with your partner lust and sex will follow. So right now you are just with your hubby for comfort. Its not uncommon for marriages to lose their spark, but you need to remember why you fell in love and married him in the first place. Stop your affair. Explain your feelings to your husband and work on rekindling the spark together. Go on vacation. Make time for each other. Every day think of one thing hes done that made you geel loved that day. Open up communication lines. Listen to each other. Marriage is commitment. Its constant work- dealing with differences, understanding each other making one another feel validated. You cant just cheat to run away from your problems. Problems in the bedroom are usually caused by a different need thats notvbeing filled outsidecof the bedroom. I encourage you to dump this man and work on your marriage. If not it, you need to cut him lose. Its not fair to him to live a lie and Im certain you would not want to be in your husbands position.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2013):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanks all for your brutal and frank responses. Will sort.

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A female reader, sugarplum786 South Africa +, writes (25 June 2013):

sugarplum786 agony auntThe only reason you are still with your husband is because you are scared of the unknown. You are simply using him as your comfort zone and the other man is satisfying your sexual needs. You also know there is no future with this man and he probably cant offer you a stable secure environment. You are also scared if you leave your husband for him, this man might not really want to commit to you.

So everything is about you and your fears, the only reason you asking here for help, to see if someone can comfort your fears. Honey wake up and smell the coffee this false world you living in is going to collapse around you and this will be very humiliating for your husband and kids and you.

You are not going to leave your husband for this man, so why don't you start doing the right thing and show him the love and respect he deserves. Don't be selfish, if you cannot do that then set him free so someone can treat the man the way he deserves.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2013):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

All spot on! Say it as it is! Thanks.

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A female reader, shrodingerscat United States +, writes (25 June 2013):

shrodingerscat agony auntSo what sort of advice do you want?

You already know you should leave. You already know you're wrong and that you're hurting your husband.

We can't force you to care about another human being. That's something you should have learned back when you were a child, and empathy and love isn't something we can just magically wave a wand and GIVE you.

So why are you here?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2013):

You are not living with personal integrity. You are judging yourself, and you don't like what you see. From this point forward, you need to take stock, and put yourself right. For your own peace and selfworth. You need to become an honest woman, from NOW. That means, you either tell your husband what you are doing, tell him you don't want to break up, and see where the TRUTH takes you, OR, stop your affair.

Become a woman of honesty, integrity and value. You owe it to yourself. You can put your life 'right' from this day forward.

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