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I want to feel close to my husband sexually, please help.

Tagged as: Marriage problems, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (25 June 2013) 5 Answers - (Newest, 25 June 2013)
A female age 22-25, anonymous writes:

I posted the other day SVC gave me good advice. Although I should have explained more. My husband no longer wants sex as often. I originally said that he would like sex at least once a week, but its been over a week. We are voth in our 20s. However he works a regular job and soon to be two side jobs ( instead of just one side job) So I understand that he is tired. I have offered and really would enjoy getting a part- time job, but he really wants me to be a Stay at Home Mom for our two toddlers. I also take care of two family members. I would like to have sex at LEAST three- four times a week. I really dont masturbate unless I have to. I enjoy sex more because it makes me feel close to him. His dismissal makes me feel like Im unattractive and unwanted. Every other aspect of our relationship is actually very good. I just dont know what to do. I have talked to him, but he really doesnt want to hear it. I do understand how hard he works. I dont mind doing all the "work" when we have sex. I just want to feel close and be intimate that way.

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States + , writes (25 June 2013):

So_Very_Confused agony auntYes! OP you nailed it... it's NOT about SEX you are feeling DISCONNECTED and that needs to be fixed. Maybe you two can brainstorm together and find something that agrees with both of you that will give you that feeling of connection and yet enable him to feel unburdened by it.

I know for me, that we just went through a really bad time where we were not having much affection. We have talked and talked it out and it's improved dramatically over the last few weeks and we no longer feel so disconnected. And with that sex is improving too...

So go to him and say something like "we are a team and I realized it's not about SEX honey but I MISS my husband. I feel unconnected to you and I need you to help me figure out how to get that feeling back."

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2013):

Thank you SVC I agree with you. I understand once a week, hes workng very hard- physical labor too, not just a desk job. I guess I need a more gentle approach. I cant make this about sex, but more disconnection, because I think thats really what it is. Wise old owl you brought up very good points even though the things you mentioned dont necessarily apply to my situations. Very good points. Thank you so much you guys I really appreciate it!

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States + , writes (25 June 2013):

So_Very_Confused agony aunthave you told him you feel disconnected? if not, then do so.

I hear what you are saying but a man who is working that much may just be too tired for regular sex more than once a week.

FWIW I am a newlywed and I want it more than my husband does. I would be happy with once a week but I'm not even getting that. I guess it's all relative.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2013):

I guess I should given even more info lol. He actually doesnt masturbate or watch porn- seriously. He does enjoy sex when we have it, but I thi k part of it is that he doesnt last long. He cums pretty fast. (And it makes him feel like he cant satisfy me- which he can)During my pregnancies, I wanted it more than he did. Out kids are 2&3 now. Ive only been a stay at home mom for eh three months or so. He likes being able to provide financially because we struggled financially for awhile. He doesnt absolutely forbid that I work, but it would certainly have to be around his work schedule. I do believe he really is just tired. He has worked two weeks straight 8+ hour days, comes homes hangs out with oir boys and I and we play, watch tv have dinner and relax. Then I put the kids to bed and we watch tv in our room. We kiss cuddle, touch, just no sex. And it does put me out. Like sometimes I feel disconnected. Once or twice a week would make me very happy.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (25 June 2013):

Human sexuality is complex and part of the problem is trying to determine what is going on in your partner's head.

When people refuse to discuss sexuality issues; it is usually because they're afraid of being blamed for some sort of inadequacy. Men are more sensitive than women in this area.

He will not discuss it; because he doesn't want to hear you say he is not a good lover. The more you bring it up, the more it feeds into his performance anxiety. The less he desires being with you.

He is avoiding assuming more responsibility for offering better performance; and he is also avoiding saying something that he knows will fill you full of anxiety and insecurity. He is gun-shy from all of your hormonal emotionalizing and personality fluxes during your pregnancies. Sounds like you had the children close together.

He works a lot and doesn't feel like listening; because it comes across as whining and nagging. That's how a man's mind works.

The sex is probably boring. It lacks thrill for him, or it's too mechanical. He may also masturbate a lot, and had developed an addiction to pleasing himself while you were pregnant. It's hard to break that habit and return to the regular act of love-making; which requires him to bring you to orgasm. He got used to happy endings without all the work. In a nutshell, he's selfish and lazy in the bedroom.

This is a tough situation to resolve; because it depends on the personality type you're dealing with. Threats and arguments will not be a turn on. Pouting and silence will be counterproductive. So you have to ask him straight up if he would prefer to end sex once and for all; and consider a divorce. He needs an ultimatum as a wake-up call.

Assuming the role as sole bread-winner says a lot about his ego. He apparently makes all the decisions. You're just his house-keeper and nanny to his children. Placed in the role under his rule and authority.

Shift the full responsibility to resolve the sex issue completely into his hands; since he's Mr."I-don't-wanna-talkaboutit. You certainly can't "force" him to desire you; you can only seek ways to turn him on.

It was he who decided he'd be the sole bread-winner and work himself into a tizzy. Then when it's time to be your lover, he's a wimp. He made a bad decision. He can't handle it all alone. Look what it's doing to you.

You have to consider all possibilities and do your part, as well.

Sometimes child-birth loosens the vaginal walls; and he may not be getting the pleasure he once received from coitus. Check with your gynecologist. However; there are exercises that tighten the vaginal muscles. You have plenty of time to do them. They can be done all day, any time of day.

Go online and look them up, and start flexing those muscles. Learn how to control them to make sex more mutually pleasurable. Learning how to squeeze and relax those muscles will improve the sexual experience for you both. It's boring when your partner isn't very responsive and does little to nothing to reciprocate.

Next time he is in the mood, try being on top and not making him do all the work. Maybe switching roles and trying some new positions will help add some spice.

I strongly suspect he is frequently masturbating; and it has become his preferred, or alternate, method of sexual release. That's secretive and embarrassing territory; so don't expect him to admit to that. He never will.

He is going to have to consider getting a better paying job or allowing you to go back to work. There is more to being a good husband and father, than just paying the bills.

He's young and inexperienced, and all these problems will be worked out over time. Ease up on pressuring him; he has a lot on his plate right now. Nagging will put a quick end to your marriage, and you won't get a change to push the ultimatum before he bails out on his own.

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