A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I know its very long but if you could please read and give me your opinions I would be most grateful!!!Ok so my mum...ever since I was little shes never really loved me like she should. She bought me plenty stuff and spoiled me rotten but this was to show others that she loves me, her herself was more distant as she blames me for her going from a size 8 to a size 20 and developing PCOS and diabetes. Im the reason shes on pills and fat.Shes always told me that im fat and ugly, no-one will ever want or love me, im useless and worthless, I should die...she would kill me herself but im soo pathetic that im not even worth her doing time for and well I could keep going but im beginning to depress myself. Thanks to this I see a therapist regularly because after 17 years I finally came out of my little world and then everything hit me...I felt everything and believed everything (makes me wish I stayed in lala land but you need to come into reality some time)When she first found out I was in therapy she went mental called me everything and went on about how theres 2 sides to every story and how she should go speak to my therapist and prove im a bitch of a child who doesnt do what im told and then see the therapists view...truth is my therapist has never once blamed my mother, she disagrees immensly on what she says and does but shes never fully blamed her.Well I clean the bathrooms every week, I do my own laundry, I keep my room clean, I pay board, I pay my own car insurance, I make supper every night and do all the dishes everyday, I dust every sunday sometimes before if i think it needs done and I hoover every 2 days sometimes everday. I go to the store for her all the time, I even buy the groceries half the time, she even sits on the computuer while i make the supper, bring it to her and make her a drink then go collect it when shes done...give her any condiments and even a cloth if she makes a mess.Yet she turns round to people and say that im a little bitch and never do anything and dont do what im told and that i never pay for anything and i expect my parents to pay for everything and give me money all the time and goes on about how ungrateful i am and so on. I work 5 days a week and support myself, I buy all my clothes, toiletries, cosmetics...just everything...she never has to pay for anything, food every now and then when she doesnt make me get it.I hear her on the phone to people all the time including my dad (who works away most of the time) and I hear what she says about me...straight up lying especially to my dad saying i said or did something that i simply didnt. she makes up things all the time and even infront of my face and im like thinking did you really just say that like wtf and im so shocked that i dont say anything i like look at her with a face of disbelief. And then I hear her on the phone talking to friends about other peoples kids and shes all yeah I blame the parents its their fault, bla bla bla, she shouldnt be treating her own child that way, bla bla bla...and im like yeah ok watever nothings ever your fault is it.I dont get why she is this way...and she thinks I should be like her at her age...Im 21 and by the time she was 21 she was married and she always has a go at me because im not...she compares me to herself at my age and younger all the time and know what im not her. I dont want to be her, I dont care what she did...Im happy with my life. I have a few good close friends whom I see everyweek and go out with and their there for me. We do what we want, whether it be picnics, random car rides, cinema, shopping, hanging out in general or nights out...Im happy with how I am...yet she tells people Im a loser and I never go out and that im addicted to my laptop and I dont know.Im beginning to hate her....why is she doing this?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2011): I think seeing a therapist is good. It shows a spark in you of you wanting things to change and working to improve your life.My mother is like this. I can promise you that therapy will get you no where until you get out of her proximity. She has a personality disorder. Probably Narcissistic personality disorder. Using these terms to describe your mother is not a diagnosis. It is what it is. So for the people who chime in and say you can't diagnose a personality disorder from a post on a web site you are right. But you are not living with her so let the disorder exist in the mind of the person who has to live with them. To get a proper diagnosis is for her to under go months and years of therapy herself and these people won't do it. Why should they. There is nothing wrong with them they think. Even if you could force them into even one visit, they cloak them selves in respectability in front of the doctor and you will pay for your efforts later. I spent many long years with a mother like yours. I had not lived with her since I was a child and so I didn't get the brunt of what you are getting. This did not last forever though. As she aged I looked in on her more and more and saw her for what she was way late in the game. In retrospect let me share with you what I found late in life.1) They will never change and the more you hope they will see themselves for what they are and fix themselves, the more time you will waste. They get worse with age2) Try to keep this to yourself. Go forward with your life and just go forward. I say this because every time you share this with others you will hear things from others that will not be what you need to hear. ((She is your mother. I am sure she loves you but she just doesn't know how to show it.)) Blah blah blah. People who have normal parents can't conceive of the out right hate these people have for their child and it is very invalidating to hear the same crap over and over. It makes you hold on to a sliver of hope that they might change, when hope sets you up for another fall. 3)Set your expectations at zero because that is all you will get. In fact you get less than zero. Zero is good. Zero is at least ending up where you started. Their bitter and condescending attitude multiplies exponentially and will get you less than no where fast.You didn't have a mother. You had an incubator. You owe her nothing. Her work is done. The rest of her dragging you under is just the perks of using societies goodwill that is automatically assigned to mothers as a way to keep you around and unravel you until you are as crazy as her. 4) And make no mistake. They are crazy. Don't try to make sense of it. This is how they keep you on the hook. You keep waiting. You keep hoping. One day she will pull it together. There is a mom in there somewhere and I will wait her out. It just ain't happening luv. If there was a loving caring woman inside waiting to bloom you would have seen it by now. Move on. Try not to look back.
A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (14 April 2011):
 Oh, you poor, poor girl. This really is awful. This is not normal. I am so glad you are seeing a therapist, because what your mother is doing to you is pretty much torture and abuse. I'm afraid I think your mother has a personality disorder, really. I know this will sound bad, but everything she does really fits the profile of a psychopath - that is a strong word, but actually if you look it up on the net, there are millions of people with this character disorder (only a tiny minority are actually violent). All this putting you down, abusing you, lying, pretending to be perfect to others, blaming you, trying to create a false reality where you are bad, etc etc, - it is all classic psychopathy. I should know, as have also lived through something similar.
It is so exhausting and so miserable to endure this, and even worse from your mum, who should love you and cherish you. You sound to me like you are doing amazingly well.
Listen, sweetheart, I think this is only going to change when you move out. Your mum isn't going to change. But if you maybe found some friends to share a house with, or at some point saved enough to have your own flat, then you will be able to live peacefully. You need to look forward to your future, because when you do eventually find someone and marry and have children, that will be your family - you can't look to your mum for much love, I'm afraid - because basically she is incapable of loving and behaving normally. I am sorry, but you sound so strong - I'm sure you'll make your own loving family. Just be strong, leave when you can, and make sure that when you do find a guy, he is a nice one.
Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2011): I want you to know that you are not alone, I am sorry to say there are mothers like this, mine is, As I read your question, so much of it was just like my mother, at 15 she told me I was ugly and no one would want to marry me, happily she was wrong.
I am a lot older than you, and I still haven't figured out why.
You sound like you are happy despite her, I agree with DB get out of there as fast as you can and live your life.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2011): I wish you could have been my daughter. I think your mother should be admitted into hospital and have her self checked out something is wrong. Mybe she is suffering from depression and you are the one she takes her frustrations out on. My eldest daughter was like that she blamed me for all the things that went wrong in her life but once she got treatment she was a different person.Depression is a hard thing to deal with it makes you into a monster at times. I hope things can come right with you, but if they dont maybe you should think about moving out into your own place, and be happy.
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A
male
reader, dirtball  +, writes (14 April 2011):
 It's called displacement. Some people kick their dog, others their kids, others are verbally abusive... She's abusive, and while it's not physical, mental abuse causes scars that never go away. You need to get out of there NOW! She will not change, because she doesn't want to. I'd venture that she's probably clinically depressed as well, but I'm not qualified to make that diagnosis.
You do not need to tolerate this, and it's very good that you're seeing a therapist. What's funny is that if your mom talked to your therapist, the therapist would see just how extreme your situation really is.
Please get out of there. You don't deserve this treatment. Nobody does.
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A
male
reader, curious-borg +, writes (14 April 2011):
You're a good man. Keep working on yourself. Eventually you will have to forgive her for what she has done and does. Try not to get involved with seeking her approval as she will keep "dragging you back" into the much and the morass.The fact is you dont have the kind of support you deserve but you are going to get through it. And yes it hurts and will affect you forever but that's life. Keep striving.
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