A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I know this question gets asked alot but I'm still confused about my situation.I'm head over heels in love with my boyfriend of over a year so was delighted when he asked me to move in with him recently. He's so caring and sweet to me he's the only man I've ever slept with. From the beginning it felt like we were really able to have genuine conversations but recently he's been so closed off about sex we've always had high sex drives (I should mention he's 26 I'm 21.)Until recently where its just eased more and more to where its now one night a week with the lights off under the covers. We kiss I give him oral sex for 2 minutes he then says he cant wait so we have missionary sex for 3 minutes maximum until he comes then rolls over and hugs me to his chest.Its unsatisfying boring almost like he sees it as a chore and every night I try and initiate sex but he refuses tells me he's tired. I've always had confidence in bed despite being a virgin until we met and I know this isnt an issue because he told me before how happy he was to find out I was when we met. So when he keeps telling me hes tired I try in the morning the afternoon even just offering him oral sex with no leads to sex and he still turns me down. I always make an effort with my appearance my hair make up is always nice clothing also. I dress up as well costumes corsets anything and everything beside gimp masks and latex. I have no clue what to do its gotten to the point where I cant hide how hurt I feel when he rejects me.Yesterday I tried to seduce him he said "not yet darling I'm not ready to go to bed" "we will later"So I waited til later when we were in bed he turned on the tv and told me no he was trying to watch an episode of family guy hes seen a million times. When it finished I tired again to initiate it but it pushed me away and said he was too tired and that he had in those few seconds since it finished been asleep (he hadnt i know because he snores)he then pulled me in for a hug rolled on to his side with his back facing me.I tried to talk to him about it but he wouldnt he says I'm like a broken record I keep playing the same song every night. To my complete embarrassment I started to cry he said I always start this argument before bed but thats because hes unwilling to discuss it during the day evening or at any time. I'm completely at breaking point. I know this sounds like I'm putting pressure on him but I'm not its only this past week that I've begun to snap. I feel like he only wants me around to cook and clean. he hugs me and gives me pecks on the lips but no hot steamy kisses that make you feel like you've got electricity coursing through you its just like friends almost. He used to call me hot and sexy now Im cute or a cutie i dont get it he also says it in a really annoying baby talk voice which is starting to grate because of all this pent up frustration.I'm madly in love with him and want to move in with him but his rejection is crippling my entirety. What do I do?
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (22 October 2013):
 I'd skip the cooking and cleaning bit and certainly the moving in bit. I'd also stop trying to force a dead horse to try to have sex (it's a metaphor, people).
I'd let him know, outside the bedroom, that there are aspects of your relationship that aren't working for you, and that when he's ready to discuss them, you'll be there. In the meantime, no huggie, no kissie, no vacuumie, no cookie! (Don't tell him that, just don't do those.) Ok, you can hug and kiss but then, go home.
It sounds like you have an agenda and expectations that he's simply not able or willing to fulfill, so stop trying to force it on him. Go back to square one and allow yourself to be chased a bit, sounds like you are doing all the chasing.
Not to be a big downer or anything, but is it possible that he has an STD and he's waiting until he gets the all-clear from the doctor before he allows you to give him oral sex and have intercourse? It may be ridiculous to consider but I know an HIV doctor who has many female patients infected by cheating male partners…… not nice, I know, but reality isn't always that nice.
So, go with the rejection and roll right out the door for now…. stop pushing so hard and perhaps the truth will come out, hopefully he'll be forthcoming as to the reason for his lack of sexual desire.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2013): Please don't even consider moving in with him just now. You must have a daytime discussion with him about this and be frank about how you are feeling because this is make or break.
You are not a broken record, you are very reasonably trying to discuss something that is really bothering you. And he's avoiding it for whatever reason. Maybe he has a low sex drive or feels unsexy himself - I'm sure it's nothing about your appearance or lack of effort.
I had a similar situation with a boyfriend I was very fond of and in the end I just gave up initiating - even when I managed to seduce him it was a 2-3 minute, unsatisfactory romp (with only one of us getting off, & it was never me!), and I got very resentful and like you my self esteem took a nose dive. With my ex it was medical/ psychological issues - funny how those issues only surfaced once he felt comfortable enough in the relationship..... We broke up because of that and other problems.
Don't ignore this & don't let him ignore it, either. It's a very important factor in your relationship.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (21 October 2013):
 There is SOMETHING that happens when a girl moves in with a guy.....
I consulted with one of my guy books, entitled, "Congratulations for getting her to move in with you... now YOU hold all the cards"..... which books subtitle is "Congratulations for getting her to move in with you... now YOU hold all the cards"...
I don't understand why women can't "see" that - by moving in to the same address as a man, they "give" him all the cards.... HE gets what he wants (a convenient sex partner).... and YOU (women) get nothing except dirty laundry and the opportunity to Mother your "boyfriend"...
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (21 October 2013):
 Do NOT move in with him. I would actually back off a bit and stop sleeping over for a while.Make him do the chasing again. Be a little less available for a while.
Yes, I would feel like he wants a cook& maid, more then a partner.
I know that the initial honeymoon phase where you can't keep your hand off each other doesn't always last for both parties, but it sounds like YOU are still there and he's past that stage.
I would also suggest that you two sit down and talk about this and NOT in bed before going to sleep.
This isn't about YOU not being pretty enough, hot enough or sexy enough, it's about him taking you for granted and not being willing to put forth an effort to keep YOU happy too.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2013): Wow. It REALLY doesn't seem like a good idea to move in with him, you've already gotten a small taste of what THAT would be like. It sucks to be rejected, especially if you weren't rejected before ("wait, it was fine before, what happened?") It doesn't sound like he's seeing anyone else, but it does seem that maybe he's seeing you as a friend rather than a lover. And I know that you're trying to get an answer from him (which is why you're a broken record), but you're annoying him :-( AND he's said "no". I'm not trying to be mean, but "no" means "no". God, that's awful. It just seems like maybe his feelings for you either a) are "comfortable" or b) fading into friendship zone. Did you tell him you feel like he only wants you around to cook and clean? Or does he just know about how you want him sexually? To you, you're explaining your feelings and telling him what you want. to him, you're picking a fight because he's made it clear that he's done discussing it. It's an awful, painful position to be in, but it sounds like his feelings have faded into friendship. THAT is something you can ask him about. Is he willing to discuss that with you? If you're getting nowhere in the communications portion, it might just be time to end it.
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A
female
reader, desiree075  +, writes (21 October 2013):
I think it's very rude of your boyfriend to call you a broken record player. What he should have done instead is thought, "Clearly, my girlfriend is consistently unsatisfied with something. Maybe I should talk to her about it and try to resolve it as a team." You haven't explicitly mentioned if it was always like this between you two? It is normal that sex drives dissolves in a relationship, and both parties must make an effort to keep it up. Clearly, all this effort you are making is not working, so how about NOT making an effort? Wear your biggest t-shirt, don't brush your hair. Then when you are in bed, just begin masturbating. He might ask what is going on, at which point you can say, "Oh well I didn't want to bother you, so..." This might make him realize that he needs to buckle up. Or you can straight up tell him (without an agenda), " I am not happy with your sex life. We don't have sex often and when we do, it's crap. What's up? Is there anything I can do to make it better?" But say this in a serious, non-sexy way. Just to get him to communicate.Good luck!Y.
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