A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I'm what you could call a nice guy. I hold doors open for girls, always treat them with the respect they deserve, and my friends that are girls say that I'm sweet, ask why more guys aren't like me, and why I'm not dating anyone. Yet, even when I chase some of those same girls that say I'm sweet, I get friendzoned. If you could give me a general idea as to why this happens, I'd appreciate it. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Fender  +, writes (28 November 2012):
Your not the first guy to ask this.
I tell you the same thing i told them. We sometimes can't control whom we like. True major of the girls your ages so go what ppl sterotype as bad boys and cool as youth worker i dont really approve of those labels.
Most of my mate that where dateing when they were your age about 60% dated nice.
Yes my usual are bartender or rock-star with rip jean n tatts . [i like those guy A- i wanted to be a bartender and i do like music and tattoo art therefore, i can actually have proper conversations].
FYI my last crush was a very nice, guy. I was mr supermodel or very hot just ok. I met him at uni coffee shop, we just notice each other from cross the room. both us got caught checking the other out. Eye flirted [both with other people] Sadly not even hour later we found out he was new sociology professor so any hope of anything happen went out the window. As got to know him the more i hate the fact his my teacher. this was 7 months ago. i cant explain it however even til this day guy can still make me smile, and get my girly parts all hot and bother by just simply being himself which basically a being nice guy.
So there still hope for ya yet
A
female
reader, dmartin89  +, writes (28 November 2012):
 I'm a woman who isn't attracted to the super-macho, cocky, immature type. There are some women who are, but they're not the rule.
Still, I'm sure I've friend-zoned a few guys. I see two reasons: the Nice Guy (TM) douchebag and the Scaredy Guy (TM).
Meet Mr. Nice Guy (TM)
The Nice Guy (TM) thinks that he's nice He talks to me, listens to my problems and helps me with things. He does this with an agenda. These 'nice' deeds usually feel begrudging and as if he wants a pat on the head afterwards. He likes me and he thinks that if he does things for me, I must like him/have sex with him.
Well, excuse me. I'm more than a vagina. I prefer guys to be friends with me without checking off mental boxes. "Okay, I brought her dinner, she'll definitely go out with me." After I hang out with the Nice Guy (TM) often enough, I'll be able to smell him and dump him as a friend. Once, I had a male friend of mine who asked me, "Do you feel anything for me? You should go out with me." Well, aside from the poor delivery, I had been with a boyfriend for two years at that point. I felt like he was waiting for me to break up with my boyfriend so he could swoop in like the Nice Guy (TM).
This guy is not truly nice. This guy carries a lot of resentment and anger towards women. They think that they deserve sex because they do the right things. There's a big difference between fake-nice and genuine-nice.
Just to be clear, this is different than romantic feelings that develop through friendship. Mr. Nice Guy (TM) goes into the friendship with the agenda to get me into bed. That's not a real friendship.
Classic example: Dating Advice: Why won't this girl fall in love with me even when I do everything for her? A total Nice Guy (TM).
I only date truly nice guys, not the posers.
Meet Mr. Scaredy (TM)
This type is sadder than the former. Mr. Scaredy is fun, cool to hang out with, but he gives zero signals of his attraction to me. He doesn't touch me. He doesn't tease me. He doesn't do anything that even smells sexual. I'm left completely puzzled on whether or not he likes me.
Women are also afraid of rejection. Most women send out subtle signals--touches, smiles, giggles--that indicate interest. If a guy doesn't react to these signals, that means that he's either not interested or really socially clueless. Neither choice is appealing for most women. An edge that cocky guys have is that they actually approach the girl and make their intentions clear. Many women will go with a sure thing over a possible rejection, road of least resistance.
On a personal note, after an experience with a Mr. Nice Guy (TM) in high school, I learned how to make the first moves with Mr. Scaredy (tM). It worked out well, for the most part.
If I'm in a relationship, every guy is friend-zoned. I don't do the cheating thing, no matter how awesome the dude is.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2012): I definitely know where you're coming from, seeing as I'm the same way. I feel like doing nice things for women is just a waste of time, although I really hope I'm wrong. My best advice is that the right woman will come along and appreciate you for you, you just have to be patient. That's when the other women figure out what they missed out on. Good luck with everything
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2012): The respect they deserve? Sounds like you're a pushover to me. The fact you only get friendzoned says that's definitely true. Look girls say they want to be treated with respect and most do but ask any of them and it's not high on their list of what attracts them to guys. Besides women don't 'deserve' respect just because they're women, this isn't the 1950's OP and women aren't dainty little princesses, they have to earn respect the same as anyone else.
You know what the easiest way is? Never, ever listen to what girls say they want, never pay any attention to them when they complain about the guy they're seeing is acting like an asshole, they're still seeing him after all and he's the one boning them, not you. I have loads of female friends and always have had, I was sensitive, overly respectful meek ass bitch in my teens too until I figured things out and learned to play a six string acoustic pussy magnet.
What I discovered was simple, respect is what a girl's head wants but they don't follow their head when it comes to romance and their heart wants animal magnetism, to be desired, pursued and excited.
Respect is not what attracts them to guys OP, they don't look at a guy across the room and gush over how respectful he is and go weak at the knees. They look at how he carries himself, how confident he is and whether he's got a bit of an edge.
I mean come on when girls say "why aren't more guys like you" what they really mean is "why can't Dirk McHandsome be as hot as he is and also change into being sweet when he's with me?" but Dirk wouldn't be as hunky if he didn't have that edge. He'd just be this sweet friendzone guy unless he's insanely handsome.
It's simple really, if you want to play the sweet, overly respectful guy then just learn to play the guitar well and perform every chance you get. Seriously, girls your age see a guy playing the guitar and their knees go weak automatically. It's the best foot in the door device you can imagine. Because it's cool, performing for people shows confidence, playing well shows you're passionate, play their favourite songs from guys like Ed Sheeran, play Adele songs and some rock songs, maybe even a few of your own and you'll give them that "aw, I love this song" feeling that immediately makes you ten times more desirable, it makes you get noticed, you get more girls looking at you and you stand out from the crowd better. Basically OP the guitar will give that edge you're missing because you obviously don't have that naturally and you also don't really have to change anything about yourself, it will happen itself the more attention you get from girls. Even grown women turn into gushing teenagers when they see a guy play the guitar well, it's hilarious how much of an effect it has on them.
So just throw down your console controller and start playing the guitar, if you already do then get out there and perform. Invited to a party? Bring your guitar.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2012): At your age my friend, girls are only interested in what's "Cool" and "Popular", that means not obeying any rules and just doing what they want to do against anyone else's permission, in order to impress their friends. Nice guys (like yourself) obey rules and do what's expected of them and they barely stand out from the crowd or become popular, hence they're seen as "Grim and boring".
Girls in school don't want a door held open for them, they can do that themselves. They don't want a sweet guy, one who will do anything for anyone because in high school mentality, that is seen as a sign of a weak person/pushover (the sort of guy who will get tripped over in the hall and take the blame for it himself even if it wasn't his fault.) They always attract to a guy who's not afraid to break the rules and do all the things that a girl wants to do, but is too afraid to alone ("The risky, cool and exciting things") because its popular.
Nice guys don't stand out and rarely get noticed by the girls, and this isn't something you should expect to change in the near future either.
After people leave school and approach adulthood, they tend to go off the rails because all these new doors are opening for them, such as the ability to drink and party hard, or take an unmonitored vacation with friends and not have parents or teachers tell then what to do etc. They want to push it all to the limit and be as wild and free as they can while they're still young. You will be hard pressed to find a young lady who is looking for the nice, dependable guy she's been dreaming of and wants to settle down with until she's approaching her late twenties/early thirties at LEAST.
If you want to catch the girls you ought to become a less predictable guy, and a more risky one. Easier said than done for someone who's not of that nature, but that is what's required of you I'm afraid, or you get left behind for a good chunk of your life.
I should know, I'm speaking from experience. I was the guy like you in school and also throughout my "early adult years", boring, dependable and not very popular with anyone but my mother. I'm now 28 and I'm living life like an 18 year old, and everyone tells me I'm pushing the boundaries living like a teenager and hell, I don't even look of feel my age (lol), but I'm trying to make up for the years I lost before I woke up and realised how to live! :)
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (27 November 2012):
 I have been in your exact situation a long time bro, trust me I know how it feels.
First things first, stop worrying about it. The more you do, the more it's going to get you do. Just go with the flow and something will come along one day, for sure!
There are many reasons why these girls don't want to be any more than friends though. They may not find you attractive, simply see you as only friend material (not to say in some instances that it can't develop further, just not very often when you're already friends). They may want to be single, the list goes on.
At your age though girls only seem to want to date the assholes, I can guarentee that you feel that way. But in a few years time when those same girls realise how bad they're being treated, they wil look for a guy like you that will take good care of them.
I worried about this problem for a long time, in fact (and I hope this doesn't sound vulgar to anyone reading) but I never thought that I was going to lose my virginity til about 30 the rate I was going (and yes I'm aware it's not a race). But the quicker I realised to chill out about this subject and just take it easy that's when things started to fall into place a lot easier and a lot quicker for me.
Hope this helps.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (27 November 2012):
 It's your age. Just keep doing what you're doing and girls will be flocking around you in a few years time. Teenagers don't think for themselves you know, they only want to be like everyone else, and they want to be popular. So they date the ones they think are popular, or the ones they think their friends will approve of, regardles so of whether they like someone themselves or not.
Give it a few years.
And, forget about the friendzone. There is no such thing. Either a girl likes you or she doesn't. If you are placed as a friend, then she isn't interested in you, never was, and probably never will be. But, girls your age are also terrible at flirting, they don't know how to, so you probably already have girls who are interested in you and who like you, but they don't know how to tell you.
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A
female
reader, Dangerously Enthusiastic. +, writes (27 November 2012):
 Girls your age want the bad boys.
HOWEVER...
It's not all of them. You're just stuck thinking its because you're nice that you can't get a girlfriend. It's not
I'm dating a nice guy and like nice guys more than bad boys.
It may be something else for the reason you get friendzoned.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, abcdef123456 +, writes (27 November 2012):
obviously, we don't know exactly why individual girls shun you in this fashion- it could be for a variety of reasons:-1. They do not find you sexually attractive2. They do not like your personality3. They want more of a 'chase' when approaching a man4. They value you as a friend and nothing more5. They have a partner of their own6. They think that you have a partner7. they are not interested in having a relationship in general8. They do not see you as compatible with their own requirements/ interestsIt is not just about the things you DO when you are looking for a partner. It is a complex mixture of all of the above. If you want to find out, ask each of the girls their particular reasons so that you can see if there is a common suggestions as to why you are not appropriate boyfriend material for them.It does not mean that you are ugly or unattractive. It means you are seen as incompatible with that particular girl.Hope this helps!
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A
female
reader, Jellybean1726 +, writes (27 November 2012):
Let me start by saying I admire and respect you for treating girls with the respect they deserve. It's not the in thing with people your age however you do it anyway which shows that you’re a great person a leader not a follower. Continue treating them with respect however there's a thin line between being nice and respectful and being a push over. Do you always let the girl pick what to do on a date or where to eat, all the details to make them happy? If so girls Like a guy with confidence I'm not saying tell them what to do just don't ask them everything you plan the date. Every girl likes a guy with confidence just not too much that makes you seem cocky. If your being too nice which unfortunately is not seen as a good thing from a girls point of view then that could be why your being put in the friend zone. Try things like making the first move make sure they clearly know you don’t want to be just friends don’t go for a kiss on the cheek go straight for the lips. I hope this helps you! Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2012): When you get older you will find women who from having made bad relationship decisions will appreciate a kind and considerate guy. Also personality is important but so is physical attractiveness so don't neglect your appearance and think that your good personality is all that's needed to attract someone.
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