A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm a male virgin who's never kissed a girl, never been on a date and of course never been in a relationship. I usually end up making a connection with someone and I can't make that leap and she ends up dating someone else and gets into a relationship. Nothing wrong with that, just stating what happens. So of course I spend a while feeling sorry for myself after all that. I can't ever seem to know what to do next. I'll want to take them out on a date but the words never seem to ever want to come out. It's next to impossible for me to do that. I'm not the greatest looking guy and I'm very awkward. Can someone tell me what I can do about this? I'm a hopeless romantic, a would be teddy bear who draws and writes passionately, someone who wants to shower someone with affection but I can't. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, MuchosTacosyChurros  +, writes (4 October 2020):
I'll be the dissenting voice, especially since all I can give you is my experience on what not to do. Are you merely nervous about the whole dating thing or there's something more? The nervousness passes after a little practice: it's exactly like driving. A tiny bit of practice can do wonders. Or are you like me? My relationship problems start from very far (not exactly happy childhood) and even now at 44 and with professional help they still haunt me and I just know the ghosts will ultimately break me. Who knows, perhaps had I faced and fought those ghosts at your age instead of burying my head in the sand today I would be giving sound advice and be every day with one of the amazing persons who crossed my path instead of covering myself in ridicule by dreaming about an impossible relationship and scaring people with hints of a dark childhood. You see, I have no choice: I have long made my bed of nails and now I have no choice but be powerbombed through it. But you still have time to turn things around, and the scary thing is it may actually be far easier than you think.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2020): Your problem is you don't have confidence in yourself. If you think your problem is in your looks then ask fashion experts or a friend how to improve your looks and how to dress stylishly. Lose weight if you are fat. Have minor surgeries to fix a nose or teeth...etc. If you need to improve your personality there are tons of books on how to develope and improve your personality. Read. Shut down your computer and go out and mix with people, make friends, smile a lot, have a hobby learn to play music, do sports, go jogging, endeavor to be successful in your career or profession for nothing attracts women like success. Look at the celebrities how they attract women despite some of them being lousy looking. Finally and most importantly, be decent, honorable, kind, and honest guy. Good luck. I hope I helped.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2020): Stop trying to be a romantic, and just be yourself. You've created some caricature of yourself that you call a "hopeless romantic;" and it most likely creeps women out. Calm down, and just try to get to know women on a date; and let your natural masculine-charm flow.
I don't know what you mean when you say you want to shower someone in affection?
If you mean being syrupy-sweet and sappy, clingy, or carrying-on like something you've seen in a chick-flick; your date is going to think there's something weird going on. She'd be correct!
Drawing and writing are lovely touches that can be added, once you've given someone an idea of what your real personality is like. Those talents are nice, but the ladies are more interested in knowing what kind of person you are; although drawing pictures and writing (poems I'd presume) are interesting ways to show how multifaceted and gifted you may be. Pouring it on thick is not how you attract people in the world of reality. You will find the random-female who may like it; but you may discover that you can only keep that up for only so long. Then you have to come down to earth; and just be a real-guy. Able to have intelligent conversation, exude manly-magnetism without effort, and capable of making your date feel at-ease. If you're tense and nervous; so will she be!
Just have a good-time on a date without worrying that you'll fall short of her expectations; or trying to read her mind, and figure-out what she's thinking. These things block your connection to women, and makes you stiff. You'll become clumsy when you're trying too hard, by allowing your lack of confidence show. Making it even worse, by trying to be Mr. Romance.
Try to make her laugh, and create an atmosphere of fun and pleasure. What do you consider a nice date? If you come-on strong with women who barely know you, or try to turn a single-date into a full-fledged romance; I'm afraid you'd scare most women off. If you're only chasing women for the purpose of shedding your virginity, that will turn you into a total perv. Virginity is not an affliction or a disease. It's only a phase of sexual-inexperience, pending your first-time. Be it voluntary, or involuntary.
Who are you? Before you start being "romantic," how do you communicate and interact with a woman you hardly know? Someone who isn't yet sure whether she likes you or not? She may like romance, but that's something you may not explore until she knows who you are, and if the chemistry is right.
I gather you're really a sweet and gentle person; and you want what everyone reading your post would want. Romance, companionship, closeness, intimacy, and to spend time with someone who feels equal attraction to/for you. The possibility of connecting to form a real loving-relationship.
That's the normal human-objective; but maybe you try too hard by showing-off how much of a romantic you are. Your insecurity about your looks and virginity are probably impediments to your sense of confidence; to the degree that you won't, or can't, just put that aside to allow your kindness and gentleness show. Not without feeling you're unable to project that you can be likeable, sexy, and confident in who you are. Women like confidence! Work what you've got, bro! Try to avoid hardened aggressive women, or mean-spirited females; who enjoy emasculating men. They will draw you in like they like you. They'll use you for a punching-bag. Spewing their toxic-venom to get even; for all their poor-choices, lost self-respect, and unchecked-insecurities. Nice-guys are their favorite targets; because bad-guys don't give a sh!t! They want to hurt somebody; so a guy like you would be easy-pickings! If you've had bad luck with females; you definitely want to steer clear of these psychos! If they make you feel bad, bail-out...run for your life! They won't take your virginity, they'll castrate you! I know being a 30 year-old virgin can get a bit desperate; but guard your heart! Heartbreak shouldn't be your first-experience. Although, it is inevitable; and necessary to toughen you up. Don't immediately fall in-love with the first-lady you have sex with; unless she reciprocates your feelings. If she doesn't, move on.
You don't have to bed a dozen women to have a sense of confidence. It comes from knowing you're a good-man, you have strong-character; and you know, given the chance, she'd really like that about you. Then if the date is a failure, learn to bounce-back and try again. Keep practicing and meeting women; until there is a mutual-chemistry that makes being around each-other seem easy. It might take time to get there, but don't lose hope.
Portraying yourself as some kind of Romeo, or the leading-man in a romance-novel, seems corny and contrived. Like you're afraid to just relax and be yourself. Do you think you have to put-on a performance to be liked? "Hopeless" is never a word you want to put before any of your personal-attributes or character-traits. It denotes desperation!
Meet a girl. Just chill-out and go with the flow. Dress nicely and age-appropriate. If you have a nice head of hair, go to a stylist who will give you a good cut. If you have a beard, keep it neat and soft. If you're balding, find a stylist who knows how to trim thinning hair to compliment your face. If you're a hulky or big-guy; shop for tall and big-men. Don't look sloppy in oversized and bad-fitting clothing. You'll feel more confident in your appearance. I shouldn't have to tell a grown-man to mind his personal-hygiene. You can do something about how you look; you've already got a nice personality, just relax and be comfortable just being who you are. Don't put on an act to impress women. If they know who you are, they'll also know what it is that they like about you...that is real!
Never make a habit of putting yourself down. Self-degradation is a kind of curse. Keep telling yourself you're a loser, and you will be a loser. Do not dwell on your weaknesses or flaws. Fix and/or improve what you can fix; and control habits or behavior that project self-loathing or insecurity. Like yourself, and others will follow.
No matter what you look like, you may have to be rejected a few times; until you meet the right-person. That means you also have to grow a thicker-skin, and develop some resilience. If teenage boys can do that; so can a man who has reached his 30's. Nobody here can see what you look like; and most people are harder on themselves than anybody else. Hopeless romantics are for the movies; just be a sweet-guy who is confident that he's the right-guy for the right-woman. Looks aren't always what gets the girl, it's how you make use of all your best attributes; and the depth and strength of your character. Your natural-charm comes from within. If you'll allow it to flow, without a lot of pretense and romantic-fakery; you'll be surprised at how much you'll impress and attract women.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (3 October 2020):
 I am sure others will mention this as well but I will say it anyway: making a connection is seldom (if ever) based solely on physical appearance. It is more about showing empathy and being a nice person. Having a sense of humour also helps.
It sounds like you have built up dating into something major and, hence, scary. Stop viewing it as dating but more as getting to know someone to see if you like each other. Some dates will work out and turn into relationships, others won't. Instead of asking a girl out on a date, how about suggesting a coffee sometime? Or casually saying something like "do you fancy grabbing a bite to eat?"
Most women like men who show an interest in them, who ask questions about them and listen to the answers. Don't wade in with the heavy romantic stuff until you are sure you are both on the same page, otherwise you will scare the poor woman away.
Yes, you do stand a chance of being rejected, but you can chalk that up to experience. If you are casual about asking, there should not be any hard feelings. If you never ask, the answer will always be NO. Fortune favours the brave. Be brave.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (3 October 2020):
 I think perhaps you need to figure out why you are holding yourself back instead of asking someone out.
If it's fear of rejection, then it's understandable but also... counterproductive. Because if you don't ASK one of these women out... they end on moving on to someone else on their own accord which is also kind of like a rejection, isn't it? Plus you will never know IF she would have said yes.
Rejection is normal. It's part of life. Romantically and otherwise.
Women are FAR less likely to reject a good man because of his looks. Unless she is of the "shallow kind" that just wants a hot dude and don't care too much about how he treats her. Someone who is looking for a physical attraction rather than a deeper connection. If that is the case, she wouldn't be a good fit anyways for you.
Identifying WHY you don't move forward will help you MOVE forward, if that makes sense.
The longer you wait, the harder it will become. Because women might see you as being single and unexperienced as a hinderance. Though not all will. You might MEET someone who is in the "same boat" as you and learn together.
There isn't a "magic" word that can fix this, YOU just have to do it. And keep at it until you find someone who can see you as their partner and equal.
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