| A
female
,
anonymous
writes: My husband and i have been married for 9 years with 4 children between us, However i have never been highly sexed and he has, he says i haven't paid him enough attention in our marriage and states this for the reasons that he hasn't come home on numerous occaisons, stayed out late on benders, insulted me on my looks, eyed up other women in front of me and has been sending personal texts to a woman he swears he does not know, i feel i have been nothing a good wife and mother and to use this as a reason for his behaviour is so unjust, i dont know whether to believe him regarding his loyalties to me but i don't want to waste 9 years of a relatively happy marraige either!! Please please help me.
View related questions:
text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, willywombat  +, writes (18 March 2006):
 Has this behaviour just started or is it something that has been building up for a while?
A
female
reader, missbunbury +, writes (18 March 2006):
 I'll be honest, this bloke doesn't sound like he's particularly worth bothering with - he's rude, deceptive and shows a lack of respect towards you which must be very upsetting. I suspect that in his mind, the sex issues are the key to all of this - you probably are a great wife and mother, as you say, but if this man thinks of a good wife as 'someone who puts out whenever I want it', then he probably doesn't think you have been good enough. It's really for you to decide whether you want to work on improving the marriage or just get the hell out, but if you do want to work on things, you need to decide in your own mind how far you are willing to compromise.
I think that you have several options as far as saving the marriage goes. First, you could give in to his every demand. This would probably improve his behaviour, in that he'd no longer feel the need to try and taunt you with other women, but it would also very likely lead to a lot of resentment building up on your part.
Second, you could try and get him to compromise too - offer to work a bit harder on increasing your sex drive, as long as he works on improving his behaviour. Set ground rules, like if he stays out all night, he's lost his bedroom privileges for a month. When he is good to you (if he is!) try and reward him with affection, so he associates treating you well with getting you in the mood. This will probably only work if you can genuinely get yourself into it and enjoy the lovemaking, but if you can, you may find things improve rapidly.
Thirdly, if you really don't feel you can up the ante in the bedroom, it's only fair to explain this to your husband clearly, and you can then give him an ultimatum: "This is how things are, you can either like it or lump it." Let him know that you will no longer be treated with disrespect, and that if things don't get better then it will mean the end of the marriage. Explain that you shouldn't have to put out to get his respect, because you're the mother of his children and the guardian of his home. Press him for an answer, don't let him make vague promises to change and stick to your guns. This last option is the riskiest, in that he may just turn round and say "Fine then, we're done".
Which option you prefer really depends on how far you feel things have gone - no-one could expect you to commit to make more effort with sex if you've actually stopped desiring this man at all, and if that's the case, then walk away now. If, however, there is a part of you that wants to get back to the newlywed love and affection you once had, then go for it.
...............................
A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (18 March 2006):
 Your husband is really acting like a jerk. He has no right to behave like this. Has this been an ongoing problem in your relationship, not enough sex I mean? HAs he asked you to try and increase your desire. If so have you taken any steps in that direction? What are his requests?
If, when you're horny, you let him know, he'll feel desirable. If you just put your desires on the back burner, he'll get the message you can't be bothered with his needs.
It's a vicious circle....he wants sex, you don't, his resentment builds, you feel pestered, you finally give in, he can tell you really don't want to, that makes him feel undesirable, you're angry because he just didn't take no for an answer. As I've said before, you're in the drivers seat. You have all the power. He has none. You decide when he gets to have sex, almost like a mother deciding if he can have a cookie before dinner. If you hardly want it, what can he do. This is a common problem. Do you remember when you first met? Women use sexuality as a tool to attract a man but later as a weapon to punish him. He still sees you as that attractive sexual woman he met years ago. So, who has changed more in this area, you or him? I'm not saying it's your "fault". Not at all. Kids, work etc. make us tired. Ask yourself this. If you were single al of a sudden, and met a knew guy, I'd bet you'd be out buying new outfits, lingerie etc. You would probably look forward to sex with him and maybe even initiate. These are all the things we do in the beginning of a relationship but take for granted later.
Try to find a little of that desire that you would have if you were dating someone knew. Having said all this, your husband is still going about it the wrong way. How long has he been after you for more sex. If it's a long time, maybe he's at the end of his rope. Remember, sex is fun. Enjoy it with him. Would you rather he didn't desire you?
...............................
A
female
reader, bridget +, writes (18 March 2006):
 Hey there pet, I hope that I amm able to help you..
Ok, your husband says that you havent "paid him enough attention" if this is how he is feeling, this still, under no circumstances, does not give him the right to just not go home on numerous occasions or do deliberate deeds right under your nose this is just so unfair to you right now.. And he is also abusing your marriage and your kids lives, he is probably to wrapped up in himself to realise just how much he is hurting these people envolved in his childish ways..
He is obviously lying about the other women if he is sending "personal texts" to her, he obviously does know her... As for him commenting and insulting you on your looks this is probably the guilt settling in of something he has done and therefore, he is taking it out on you...
You really need to give him the opportunity to either change his childish ways or give him an ultimatum.. You really need to think about your 3rd party here, your children... If you have to give up 9 years of marriage then thats not anyones fault but your husbands..
You could try talking to him, as Im guessing that this kind of all started when he mentioned that you havent been giving him enough attention... You should find out why, after 9 yeras of marriage, he is now willing to gamble the lives of you and your 4 kids together..
Good Luck Pet and remember, Its not your fault hes only using that as an excuse to cover his lying ways..
Jacqueline
x
...............................
|
