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I'm a 22 yrs old virgin who has never been kissed!

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Question - (23 June 2009) 4 Answers - (Newest, 28 October 2009)
A male United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Some background might help you all understand this predicament I am in. Right now I'm in the toughest place I have ever been, went into the Navy from high school, got out semi-unexpectedly after about 3.5 yrs, no idea what I am going to do with myself (the original plan was to make it my career), friends constantly dwindling down and I am an almost 22 year old virgin who has never been kissed. I am by no means a feeble-minded person, but I have no real interests or hobbies and feelings of emptiness are overwhelming me, and I can't find anything to fix this (at least in the immediate future).

USN service was tiresome, causing me to move all over and spend like 6 months at a time somewhere, when I was on land. A horrible experience for me, causing some depression and a bad state of mind altogether. Anyways, I'm out now and feeling quite normal again, but now the whole 'what to do with my life' thing is causing significant headache for me, coupled with boredom and looking for a girl...things aren't really perfect at the moment. I cannot ask my friends about this, I fear being pitied, and/or that I'll get sad. There's nothing wrong with me(from my POV at least), I'm not over/underweight, deformed or anything, I have no problems being in a social environment. However I do admit to not being actively searching (low sex drive maybe), kinda hoping to be reactive, and not proactive in the whole dating thing. I'm not very talkative so approaching girls stops at the planning stages because I can't find ANYTHING to talk about.

My lack of things I'm interested in, being untaught in the ways of relationships and my quietness causes me considerable problems, its not so much shyness. Things obviously need changing but I really don't want just a 'fling'. My apologies if this is kind of long, but here are the questions:

-Is it normal to expect being approached by a girl?

-How can I put myself out there and where can I find people in the 18-22 age bracket?

-What do I say? How can I avoid dreadful/awkward silence?

-What does a normal unemployed/non-student 22 year old do on a normal day?

-Is it normal to start a normal college at 22, maybe 23?

-Should I seek professional help with the career thing?

-Am I wrong to feel so abnormal and pathetic?

-Would you feel the same given the situation?

-How would you address this predicament?

I feel like I am in a serious crisis...I usually don't take life (speaking generally) super-seriously. Losing my 20-year plan was pretty hard on me. I just realized I've been pushed through everything and now I've got to do my own pushing to get anywhere in life. Feeling quite overwhelmed and utterly lost. The only plan I want to carry out is to somehow pay for college find some profession that won't drive me mad, and hopefully find a girl in there somewhere. Hopefully someone out there has gone through the same crap I'm going through and I am truly sorry if it was you :(

Hopefully someone reads this, sorry again for the question being so long, but I don't think I'd get the same responses if it wasn't. Oh, I know I have alot I'm worrying about significantly, but I feel that a relationship is exactly what I need. (don't want possible answers headed that way)

Many thanks for your time

View related questions: navy, sex drive, shy

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A reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2009):

Awe, I am most certainly feeling your pain right now.

I too just graduated and there are so many feelings of uncertainty, where will I go, what will I be doing, am I on the wrong path?? Do I even believe in what I studied in college? and to top it all off, singledom.

I went to college, just like you went into the usn, to pursue a specialty, not really experiencing "college" life( which I could give or take some of the normal college experience away), but I did miss the social aspect of it.

So you might want to look at things this way. You went into the Navy to pursue something. It doesnt matter what it is, but you made a decision, experienced it, and good or bad you are lucky that you know you DON'T want or can't do that anymore .It takes alot of courage to move on, but you must do it. I believe in you! If you take a proactive stance on that, believe me everything should fall into place, girls and all. You must have some likes and dislikes. I would take some time to figure out what you enjoy doing. Every single human being has something they like to do, whether it's drawing,football, or digging through trashcans for buried treasure!( and believe me I have some interesting friends who consider that fun and I love them for it).

Whatever it is you like to do you need to grab onto it with two hands and never let go. After I graduated I felt completely lost, and I still do, but I'm trying to teach myself everyday that the uncertainty of the future is exhilarating and it is the essence of life. I can't tell you how many personality quizzes I've taken online somehow expecting an answer for why I feel so sad now. But after all that I felt even worse because I was allowing other things to shove me into some homogenized box.

Taking things into our own hands is going to be tough, but is not even close to impossible, and is going to teach you so much I know it.

As for your questions, I am a young female who has never experienced dating or any anything remotely close to it( and for no concrete reason, I feel very confident and attractive most of the time), and sometimes I feel at a loss with no companion, but I'm teaching myself to be hopeful that I will either live a life caring for the world and giving it by best, or caring for the world, giving it my best, AND sharing a relationship. When I think about those two options, neither is bad! I feel great about both options! and thats when your interests come into play. THOSE are the things that make you who you are, and I know that you have interests, they just have yet to be discovered and molded.

So I would recommend seeing a professional for career advice. They will make you take in depth tests hopefully to see what your learning styles are, and I will cross my fingers for you. Sometimes it does take a professional who really cares to nudge you along. It's like a hawk teaching her chicks to fly for the first time if you've ever seen that. We are not ready to be thrown into the wind but nevertheless there is a first, terrifying time, and if you fall, someone can be there to fly you back up until you've got the hang of it.

Also, gosh this is getting long now...I went to school with undergrads in their thirties. You are in GOOD company, and no one would ever have to know anyway!

So get rid of that twenty year plan, and all those societal expectations of age and what you are supposed to do and fly my little bird!

good luck!! :D

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A female reader, Starlights United Kingdom +, writes (23 June 2009):

Starlights agony auntHi there!

ive just read your story with interest, it sounds as if you've been through alot (with USN)

maybe you thinking finding a galfriend is what you need. To be honest once you have a galfriend things get a little more tougher because its not just about yourself anymore.

Let me try answering your questions the best i can.

-Is it normal to expect being approached by a girl?

*normally i have found its the guys who approach the girl for their number FIRST, but increasingly girls are making the first move, each situation is different.*

-How can I put myself out there and where can I find people in the 18-22 age bracket?

*have you tried going out to young clubs with your friends? maybe join an online dating agency? has a friend got a friend? (blind date) ? *

-What do I say? How can I avoid dreadful/awkward silence?

*i find if im faced with an awkward silence i tend to sip my drink and smile at the other person. this breaks down the silence barrier.*

-What does a normal unemployed/non-student 22 year old do on a normal day?

*well if i was your age and not working, probably watch telly, surf the net, maybe head to the gym to keep my energy levels up! *

-Is it normal to start a normal college at 22, maybe 23?

* yes of course, alot of people start college later, my mum started studying when she was 33 ! and it took her 10 years but she got there. and she had to deal with the depression of my dad walking out and 2 young kids to bring up, not to mention having half the neighbourhood pitying her *

-Should I seek professional help with the career thing?

*yes, a career's advisor would help you, or look online for college courses your interested in, then ring them or ask for a brochure to be sent out *

-Am I wrong to feel so abnormal and pathetic?

* no your not abnormal or pathetic. every human experiences highs and lows, your goin thru a low point, recognise that, but know your a strong person and your gonna get thru this!*

-Would you feel the same given the situation?

*yes even now things would be alrite and i'd still look for something better, thats human nature, try not to dwell on the negatives. *

-How would you address this predicament?

*i would say to you there is nothing wrong with being a virgin.

I waited til i was 21 before i lost it, and my husband waiting 26 years of his life for ME !

realise everyone is different, everyone is unique and everyone has their own talents in themselves.

before you find a girl you need to focus on yourself and motivitate yourself out of depression. i wouldnt recommend doctors for depression, i would say be kind to yourself, heal yourself, recognise you've had a hard time but make a commitment to do something you enjoy.

you have to make yourself fulfilled before you can reach out and have that quality relationship with a girl.

look after number 1.****

good luck!

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A female reader, Fiona xxx United Kingdom +, writes (23 June 2009):

Fiona xxx agony auntPeople have career changes in their late twenties and thirties, so don't worry about things in that respect. Perhaps some career advice would be welcome for you, so you know what to aim for and achieve. It all depends on how academic you are, or if you would rather have a trade behind you.

Tastes in films and music are a good starting point really.

I think if you don't go to them, they don't go to you, so you have to make the effort in life. I remember my Mum saying that to me, when I first went to school, so I am sure it's the same with regards to meeting somebody nice.

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A female reader, ilovebowsandcherries United Kingdom +, writes (23 June 2009):

ilovebowsandcherries agony aunthi well i'm 20 years old never been kissed and obviously still a V but i'm not too bothered like.

i find it hard to go up to talk to guys i'm shy but alot of girls won't make the first move.

so you waiting for a girl to approach you maybe 50/50 as i';ve said i wouldn't go over to a guy i'd wait for him to come to me.

if you want to talk to a girl just start a conversation explain what you've done you've been in the navy and stuff and ask what they do whether they like going out what do they do in there spare time?

anything just a general chit chat.

you say you're unemployed isn't there anything out there you can do?

even if it's something crappy to get a bit of money or something to get you out meeting new people?

you're not too old to go to college far from it and probably alot of people your age and younger from the age rating you've given 18-22 will attend there perhaps you can pick a girl there just talk about general chit chat what courses they are doing what they do in there spare time.

that kind of stuff.

hope this helps.

message me you need anything else :) x x x

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