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age
26-29,
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writes: How do I approach this man before I graduate high school?I'm 16 and in love with my 26 year old teacher.I know you've all heard this before but im serious. I know what I want and that's a man. The boys at my school are way too immature and they remind me of my 13 year old brother who has the mentality of a 5 year old. I am well aware of controlling relationships with older men but I couldn't imagine myself with anyone else. In fact, if things dont work out with him then im considering myself as "off the market". Am i too young to say this? Maybe but this man is my inspiration and has indirectly pushed me to better myself which has made me into a better person and that's the best gift you can give anyone in my opinion. Before I graduate, I want to tell him how I feel, at this time I will be less than 2 months away from turning 18 so its borderline. Any suggestions?
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female
reader, celtic_tiger  +, writes (11 December 2010):
 ok...this is from a teacher. I am 27.
Let me give you a response from someone in your teachers position.
There is NO WAY that any decent teacher would ever have or want a relationship with one of their students. Past or present. The whole idea is just wrong on SO many levels.
The idea of a student proclaiming their love for me fills me with dread, I cannot imagine anything worse! I see the children I teach as students, that is all. We are paid to teach you, and we are essentially surrogate parents to you - we want you to grow and learn and develop and we get great joy in seeing students grow and blossom from gangly children into young adults.
You have to understand that your teacher ONLY sees you as a pupil. He is NOT interested in having a relationship with you. Ever. I know you think you love him, and I am sure that the feelings you have are very real to you, but he will not reciprocate them.
At 27, I can tell you that I think very differently to how I thought when I was 16. I have had so many different life experiences which you cannot even comprehend at the moment. I would never consider having any type of romantic relationship with a 16 year old. They are too young, too childish, they have not lived.
I want to quote your own question
"I know what I want and that's a man. The boys at my school are way too immature and they remind me of my 13 year old brother who has the mentality of a 5 year old. "
This is how HE sees YOU.
"I know what I want and that's a woman. The girls at my school are way too immature and they remind me of my 16 year old sister who has the mentality of a 5 year old".
At 27, he sees you as an immature 16 year old girl, because that is what you are. He wants a mature woman. Someone who has been to university, who has lived a little, who has a career, money and is ready to start thinking about creating a life together.
Regardless of this man being a teacher or not (altho it has far more serious consequences if it is) no man of 26 years old would ever seriously want to be involved with a 16 year old girl.
You will get hurt, he will reject you, and you will end up looking like an idiot.
From a 27 year old to a 16 year old - take my advice.
Grow up first, then you will understand and when you are my age, you WILL realise how ridiculous this is.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (11 December 2010):
 Ah well, another teenager in the group of being unable to write this question from the teacher's perspective. I'm not surprised, I have to say, just disappointed. I thought that you had the potential.
Well, back to your original question. Tell your teacher your feelings for him before graduation? Bad idea. After you graduate, turn 18 and are no longer his student? Go for it, if you still feel the same way.
Take care!
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (2 December 2010):
The thing I observe in your post is the narcissism. It's all about what you want and what you feel. There is no examination or analysis of why this teacher should return your affection, no discussion of what your revelation could mean for his career and future.
That's a teenager's classic trait, you know, self-absorption to the the point that consequences for other people are entirely ignored.
I have asked other posters in your situation to write this question from the viewpoint of the other party. Not one teenager has EVER managed it. They simply do not have the maturity level to imagine the situation from the other perspective. So, I ask you to try, as you present yourself as being mature beyond your years.
"Dear Cupid, I am a 26 year old teacher, and I recently have come to learn that a student of mine wants to tell me that she has feelings for me. This will have the following effect on me....."
Let's see if you are the one teenager mature enough to be able to see this from the other's perspective.
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A
male
reader, PM  +, writes (2 December 2010):
 If he inspires you then it may be enough to just tell him that. He evidently means a lot to you and it evidently means a lot for you to be able to tell him about that, but it doesn't necessarily mean that you need to tell him that you love him. Disclosure doesn't necessarily mean full-disclosure.
Personally, the age gap is not the issue in my mind. Once you become of legal age, you may do whatever you please but there will still be a fundamental difference between the two of you: experience.
I'll be honest with you, when I was 16 I used to hate it when people would say things like, "You'll understand when you're older" or "You're too young to be thinking like that" because it was demeaning. I still hate it when people do that because there's no reason to say it. I used to think that my maturity and intelligence granted me every bit as much adulthood as an adult and to some degree it does, but not for everything. There are just some things where experience plays much more a role than I could have imagined and relationships are one of those.
Learning to be in a relationship, in my experience, is not too different from learning to ride a bike without training wheels. You get on the bike, you fall off and get hurt, and when you've recovered you get back on the bike and try again. Over time, you learn the things that you need to do and the things that you need from the other person in order to have a relationship work. The simple truth is, you have no experience as to what your needs are in a relationship or how to behave in a relationship, so while your feelings are very much real, you don't have any first-hand experience in actually being in a relationship. He almost certainly does and even if he doesn't, having lived longer he has been exposed to more relationship ideas and practices.
While you seem like an intelligent person, intelligence only goes so far before you need experience. Being in a relationship is a kind of skill and without experience, entering a relationship can be disorienting. Experience is why every profession that needs a person to be good at doing requires experience practicing in some way. Everyone from doctors and nurses to mechanics and carpenters, if you have to be able to perform a specific skill, you need experience.
My advice to you is to tell him that you think highly of him and that he was an inspiration to you, but go off to college or whatever you may plan to do and live your life for a few years. Experience life. If you still feel the same then, pursue it with the certainty that no one can say you're too young to know better.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (1 December 2010):
 Since you discussed biology, your brain continues to grow and develop until you reach the age of approximately 21. Your body may be maturing, but your mind has quite the way to go yet. As a teen your emotions feel stronger than they do at most other points in your life and this can often out weigh the rational thought that you are capable of.
You seem like a smart girl, but remember, there is always a lot more to learn.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAlright well perhaps it depends on the perspective with that simple and easy thing. For example if I were to say "well that sounds simple enough", to me that would be the equivalent of "well that sounds easy enough". Sorry maybe i didn't understand your context of simple and easy. When you say haven't developed physically and mentally i somewhat know what you mean however im 16 and for many girls they are close to full pubescence at this age if not they are pretty much done. Of course one could argue that your not even done growing after 18 because your cheekbones become more defined as does the rest of your body. Anyways, i started puberty at 8, started the menstrual cycle at 12. I have a pretty prominent bust for one as skinny as myself and curves as well. Might dad criticized me this past summer for wearing just a big t-shirt because im a women. So physically, i have the body of a women. Mentally, ive noticed myself that my manner of thought has changed but still has developing to do. Thank you for your answer by the way.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (1 December 2010):
Thanks for the follow up, OP.
Sorry if I came across as harsh but 9 out of 10 of these questions come from smitten girls of your age who don´t have a clue what they´re talking about. You seem more sensible in your reply.
Sure there are plenty of relationships with big age gaps that work out. There´s a 11 year difference in the age between my uncle and his wife. But it´s not so much the age gap itself that presents a problem. You´re at a point in your life where you haven´t completed your mental and physical development yet and he has.
That makes the age difference gap much more pronounced, because there´s a world of difference at where you two stand right now. The younger you are, the more pronounced it is. The age difference of ten years is much less an issue when you´re for example 30 and he´s 40, because then all that stands between those numbers is added life experience. Do you see what I´m getting at here?
Right now you are not so much a kid, but still way too young for him. Yes, there are examples of teens your age hooking up with people his age. A friend of mine hooked up with a 24 y/o when she was 15. To make a long story short he ended up making her pregnant and then left without a trace. He pretty much used her for sex because she was young and much more naive than he was. There are countless examples of ex classmates who this happened to as well. So more often than not, 25 y/o's hooking up with teens do it because they have an advantage, not out of love.
You might indeed have a better shot at this when you're 18. Still though, the age gap is pretty big at that age so don't get your hopes up too high.
Oh one more thing:
"Also, simple is pretty much equivalent to easy so maverick494 just contradicted themself."
Simple is rarely the equivalent of easy. It is simple to move on with love. All you have to do is stop thinking about that person. But is it easy? You yourself have said it is not. So I have not contradicted myself.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI appreciate Lauras answer but here we go again with the other two. Listen how can you say never. First of all, i hope you're all aware of the fact that older men like younger women sometimes. The average relationship consist of a 2 year difference in age, man being older, women younger.of course this difference is 5 x that. My dad is married to a women 12 years younger than him. Explain that occurrence. Perhaps he does see me as a kid, i have reasons to believe otherwise. I dont mind placing it on him or nothing because in all honesty, I'm a loner. All relationships that i've witnessed have utterly failed so I dont care if im single for the rest of my life. This just happens to be someone especially important to me. Of course I've thought about him losing his job. I'm aware of all the consequences. I've felt this way for about 2 years and have kept quiet, but its hard because my feelings are only getting stronger. I'm not gonna risk anything by saying something, its the stupidest thing I could do. Like I said before, after i graduate. Also, simple is pretty much equivalent to easy so maverick494 just contradicted themself.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (30 November 2010):
Looking at it from his perspective, I wouldn't want to get involved with someone who is ten years younger than me. Look, no matter how mature you feel or people have said you are, he has 10 years of life experience on you and is at a completely different point in his life right now. You can't beat that.
I do get why you are attracted to him. Like Lindbergautomatic said, lots of girls go through a similar thing. It's just not realistic to think this will work out. I'm not even talking about the student-teacher thing, (which means he could lose his job and you could get into serious trouble as well). Instead of thinking about what you want, think about the likelyhood of it happening.
Don't go the "him or nothing" route because that makes you sound like a toddler who doesn't get the toy she wants. And I doubt that's the kind of impression you're aiming for.
So in short: cut your losses and move on. It's as simple as that. Unfortunately simple doesn't always mean it's easy as well...
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A
female
reader, Laura Joanne +, writes (30 November 2010):
 This is very hard.. because you are in love with your teacher and he is obviously somebody you can't and won't ever be with. I know it is hard to hear that but sometimes the only way you will learn things if it put straight. You're a 16 year old girl and I am not going to patronise you by saying you don't know what love is because I was 16 once and I fell for somebody who I could not have and it was heart breaking, all I can say to you is time is a healer and you know deep down this won't ever happen so don't do it to yourself. You will get older and you will meet someone who you can have a proper relationship with and be happy with, you might not think it now but trust me when you look back on this in the future you will understand what I am talking about.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (30 November 2010):
Don't do it! This is just wrong on so many levels and I doubt he sees you as anything other than a kid. Give up this crush. If you want to be off the market, then that's fine, but don't do it in hopes of getting with this guy.
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