A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My partner and I have been going through the mill for the past year as she had an emotional affair with an old friend of hers. We have been to counselling and talked alot and it appears she has quite a few personal problems and ghosts she wants to sort out.She asked for a period of separation - no questions asked - to deal with her issues which i have agreed to.It has kind of been agreed that she can see other people if she felt the need to during this time and that I have the freedom too also if i needed to.She has only ever been with me and i often think this is part of the problem...The question really is... would it be ok for me to see other people while we are on a break or does it damage the relationship even if there's an agreement?Part of me feels like I should to purge any temptations (we have been together for 7 years) and also help me decide whether the relationship is right for me... but part of me worries
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female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (30 June 2008):
 I think that you should sit down and talk about what this separation will entail for both of you and set ground rules. If you don't think that she should sleep with her emotional affair during your separation, you had better say so beforehand rather than afterwards, if this is a deal breaker for you. If you are jealous, and that would not be something that you could get over and it would interfere with the relationship getting back together or continuing afterwards into the future, then say it now. Otherwise, you might want to consider, keep in mind, that any separation is an either/or situation. Either you will get back together after the separation, or you will go your separate ways, so you should probably start to prepare yourself for that very real possibility, especially considering that her heart seems involved with someone else right now.
Your question was should YOU sleep with others while she is going away to sort all of this out. Well, only YOU can know if you can handle it or whether or not an affair, emotional or sexual, could come between you and the feelings that you have for your current partner. There's also the possibility of testing and waiting periods if you get sexually involved, so it probably would exactly be a secret to your current partner either. If you think that your head and heart could remain casual and who you hook up with is alright with it, it's up to the both of you. Make sure that you let your interim partners know that you aren't up for anything involved or heavy, you want to warn them in advance, otherwise you are going to wind up with a fourth party involved here, and things seem complicated enough. It could very well create even further issues and problems, so keep that in mind and be up front about it. Good luck figuring and sorting out those issues, dear. Perhaps this helped point out something further to consider...
A
male
reader, ChiRaven  +, writes (30 June 2008):
 I think the question here is NEED. Your girlfriend is doing something because it is essential to her emotional health and to her ability to continue in the relationship with you.
Can you say the same thing about what you are proposing to do?
If you really feel that dating someone else would be an activity that would truly be directed at strengthening your relationship with your girlfriend, then there shouldn't be any problem with it. If that's NOT what it's about, though, there's a danger that it might be setting a dangerous pattern of, actually, cheating, that will cause the two of you more trouble down the line.
Only you can answer that question. But ask yourself, is that really something that you are doing in a spirit of true love for your girlfriend, or is it something that you could better describe as being done out of a spirit of selfishness? Be honest with yourself, and honest with her. You'll know the answer. You be the judge.
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