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If I chose not to have sex how do I find the willpower to wait?

Tagged as: Sex, Virginity<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (31 October 2015) 7 Answers - (Newest, 17 November 2015)
A female United Kingdom age 16-17, anonymous writes:

I'm 16 in my first year of college and I'm still a virgin (and proud to be one actually). But everyday becomes a little harder even though I know staying a virgin until I meet "the one" or near enough is the right thing to do. I haven't even kissed a guy or had a boyfriend yet.

Whenever I hear people talking about who they've had sex with I just feel...I dunno left out. That's not the reason why it gets harder waiting, but they just get me thinking. Like will I ever find "the one"? Are they worth waiting for since hardly any guys that I know are virgins and whichever guy I meet will most likely have already had sex? (Or at least some of them don't own up to being one).

If you say I should still wait, then how do I find the will power? Nothing helps (keeping myself busy or masturbating) they just make me want to more. Like I'm 16, so it's not as if having sex now is illegal or anything, but I'm just confused and don't know what I want. Part of me just doesn't want to be a virgin anymore and the other part doesn't want to have sex with just a friend where it won't mean anything. I'm also scared of things like getting pregnant at this age. But then I want to experience sex, because it's not the same as when you're alone.. I'm not totally sure if I'm making sense but what should I do?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2015):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thankyou so much everybody. You've kind of made me happy to still be a virgin how because I'm still basically young and I do really want to meet somebody special before well having any firsts. Then I shouldn't have regrets. I don't know why I was in such a rush to begin with, I don't want my first time being a one night stand or a general mistake.

Also thankyou erm "female anonymous reader" for telling your story because you and your boyfriend have actually inspired me that there are still some decent guys out there who do not prioritise sex. I think waiting until university seems reasonable enough, I need to work on getting into uni first. Thanks again to everyone :)

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2015):

When I was 16, I went through a stage where all my friends were having sex so I thought I should have sex, however just before the deed was to be done I realised I was doing it for all the wrong reasons. I didn't want to just have sex because everyone else was, I wanted it to mean a bit more than that. So I decided to wait. And wait I did. For more than 3 years. I finally met the man who I had been saving myself for when I was 19, and in my second year of University, and out of everyone I knew the last virgin standing. I knew straight away that he was the right one, and to my shock, he was also a virgin at the grand age of 22, and when we did have sex, it didn't feel wrong, and I didn't regret it like most of my friends and my siblings do. 2 years on and we are still together, living together, and just enjoying being with one another before we settle down to marry and start a family. I'm glad I waited because it meant I had that special gift to share with the man I belonged with. Needless to say, not everyone will have this experience, but your first time should be slightly more special, because as a girl it will hurt a bit, but if you love them, its worth it, as you get to try again and again until you get it right. I will always be an advocate of waiting for the right person. You don't have to be married, but at 16, you aren't quite an adult, and having sex is a very adult decision, not saying that you are immature, but you should absolutely consider the weight of the decision and any potential consequences, besides being a virgin at 16 is nothing to be ashamed of, you should be proud that you have the sense to wait for A- the law to be on your side, so that no potential sexual partners are at risk of being arrested for statutory rape, and B- that you want it to be with someone who means something. That's all the willpower you need.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2015):

Keep strength, you are doing a good thing for yourself by waiting. You will feel much better if you wait than when you give yourself away for nothing.

Don't listen to people who claim to already have had sex. Most are lying. Breaking their virginity at a young age is a trend that some idiot started one day, and everyone thought it was "cool". It is not cool.

If you try to satisfy yourself sexually by any means, your body will only want more (it was designed to crave once you start until you get pregnant. At your age, it really wants to be pregnant because you have fully matured).

Abstaining can be hard. Rather than masturbating, adopt means of telling your body "no!" If you feel something coming on at day, go for a jog. The pounding blood will spread to your entire body. Feel it coming at night in bed? Rotate your position and adjust your blankets and clothing: you may be "caught" in place in such a way that your body thinks you are with someone else. Getting worse? Stand up and do stretches.

Making yourself feel "sexy" can also cause a problem. Wear longer pants and skirts, cover up your cleavage and never sleep in nothing but your underwear.

This crave phase will pass. Ignore or walk away from people who brag about having had sex before. Don't be embarrassed to state that you do not approve of their behaviour. You are in a higher league than them- why hide it?

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2015):

I have similar feelings about it and I also want somebody especial for my first time and I am a man.

I had girlfriends, I've kissed and touched different parts of their bodies and I've had more than one opportunity to have sex and those weren't my initiatives, those girls wanted to have sex with me, some directly told me that, others were subtle, yet clear about their intentions and I didn't want to do it with them, it was unconscious. Sometimes I got bored of some relationships and suddenly broke up with them.

There were only two times when I felt something great and especial, yet, in those cases, I wasn't even able to establish a romantic relationship with those two girls, the irony. I think I'd have had my first time with one of those girls.

You could have boyfriends, if you want, that not means you'll have sex with them. If you'd have sex and you're scared to get pregnant, just investigate, very well, ways to prevent it, having a baby without knowing if you could raise one well (emotionally and economically) and/or abort are bad things, so, better learn about contraceptives and other ways, you could do it in your free time.

Certainly, it's very hard to resist the urge to have sex and nothing can replace the physical contact with another person, even though, it seems the only way to not do it, it's finding some belief and respect it, like this thing "I want an especial person", others find the way in spiritual things, values and morals.

The part you say it's telling you "do it", might be the pressure about what others do and may just be your instincts, nothing wrong with it, but humans usually reject them and cause to them grief, because they're not compatible with their thoughts.

In the end, try to know yourself even more and see what you really want and then you'll not have regrets about whatever you'll do. In my case, I'm completely sure I want "that special girl" in that moment.

By the way, it seems you have personality, if not, the pressure of the group already would have pushed you to their cliff.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (1 November 2015):

Honeypie agony auntYou stick to your guns.

I think waiting to have sex till you meet someone you ACTUALLY care about is a good thing to do. A LOT of girls don't wait and thus a lot of girls look back and regret their first time.

Sure, you will still feel horny and sure you will still be the "odd woman" out since your friends are having sex already, but you ARE not really missing out.

Taking your time in finding someone to share that "first time" with is not a bad or silly notion. He may not be "the one", but he might be the right one for you.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2015):

Think about all the crap that girls shovel at other girls for being slutty - that's what it's like for guys who aren't having sex.

This pressure does not only come from other guys. Most girls think male virgins are so cute - for some other girl, not them. They prefer guys with "experience" even if they aren't so experienced. (double standard!) Its kind of like how most guys think there's nothing wrong with marrying a female slut - they just don't want to be the one to do it.

A publicly self-proclaimed male virgin is about as a common as a publicly self-proclaimed female slut. It does happen but its not very common. But plenty of female sluts and male virgins are out there.

As for willpower: A normal 15yo teenage boy has an EXTREME amount of sexual drive, and he isn't even old enough to legally have sex yet for a few more years. The fact that teenage boys are not normally serial rapists proves that people can deal with their sexual frustration without giving in.

When grown adult women complain about sexual frustration I think "oh, if you only knew what it's like for teen boys" Women's sex drive normally reaches those high peaks later when their maturity and self-control level is much higher and they have full legal access to regular sex.

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A male reader, dougbcoll United States + , writes (1 November 2015):

dougbcoll agony aunt one thing about it you seem to have a level mindset, and looking toward the future not just for the moment like a lot of your friends. one thing about it you have the opportunity to make your first time special.

you have something your friends do not have, and cant get back again. they more than likely wasted on the wrong person, and wrong reason. they may even have some regrets of their decisions they made with who ever they had sex with.

you are young do not need to feel pressured,no need to give yourself regrets to look back on. keep looking ahead you will experience sex and life has to offer, you are wise not wanting to throwaway something that can be special , for gratification of the moment.

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