A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm currently in a long-distance-relationship. On Friday, my bf went out to lunch with a single, female colleague. Then they ended up spending the rest of the day together, going to a local museum and getting dinner. He told me about having lunch with her in advance and I was happy for him, because he's in a new place and I want him to make and have friends. But then when we talked on the phone last night he started going on about how he wasn't sure if it was a date or not, after all he didn't get a goodnight kiss. She was really nice and he likes her, but he doesn't want to give her the wrong idea so he won't ask her out again for a month or so. What did I think?I got kind of upset. He couldn't seem to understand why. So I explained that if he was going to see other people, maybe we shouldn't be in a relationship. Then he got mad at me for accusing him of cheating. Then he apologized and said he would never have gone out with her if he knew it might be a date, and if he was serious about her he'd be calling her tomorrow, not in a month. Would I prefer I not talk about it when he hung out with female friends, since it seemed to hurt my feelings. (To which I responded no, as I don't want to give him permission to lie to me.)Am I wrong to be having my feelings hurt? Am I being accusatory/ unreasonable? I don't want to prevent him having friends, and I know he's capable of being friends with another woman without going any further. I just find this whole episode a little worrisome... Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2009): He went on a date and of course you have a right to be upset. Lunch is one thing but ALL DAY including dinner is definitely dating.
A
male
reader, ArmyMedic  +, writes (12 April 2009):
 Could Emily be any more right with her answer? I think not!
Your guy really does need some education in the social department!
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (12 April 2009):
It was all going well till he said "I think it might have been a date."
That means that he never mentioned the fact that he had YOU.
As a married woman with male friends I ALWAYS make clear the fact that I am happily married when I meet a cool new guy. You have to set the boundaries early on so you can not stress about giving out the wrong signals and you can have loads of fun knowing it's only friendship.
Tell him that he can see whoever he wants and you want him to have all the female friends in the world... but they need to know he is taken up front. Otherwise he gives out the wrong signals.
Yes you have a right to be a bit miffed at him because he was an idiot. Think of how that poor girl is going to feel, wondering why he never called when it seemed to have gone so well??
Tell him that as a good looking guy who may be a bit naive about these things he has to slip into the conversation some signs that he is taken and not interested in any more than being drinking buddies.
Forgive him because it's not his fault that he's not that bright. But use sock puppets or whatever to teach him some social skills when not leading on girls and getting them to have crushes on him that WILL cause problems.
Good Luck!! xx
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