A
male
age
36-40,
*uttamywits
writes:So after coming on this site off and on every few months for nearly 4 years now (mostly for affirmation that I wasn't the only soul in my predicament), I have finally decided to post about my situation and seek help.So anyway, my story is similar to so many others I've come across and read during this time, but with it's own individual quirks, that I would like some informed opinions on. I am a 26 yo (soon to be 27) male virgin. I moved to the UK from India at age 21 for a master's degree and now work in a respectable and well-paying (by general standards) non-IT (don't know if this info is relevant for conjuring up an accurate image) job. So my issue is not alone of being a loveless virgin at an advanced age, but also of sheer extended loneliness away from home and loved ones, combined with a total lack of any local emotionally intimate human contact and social life, adding fuel to fire. While trying to maintain a calm exterior, I have undergone huge internal turmoil as I am innately a people's person who thrives on mentally stimulating company and cooperation. I'm a well-adjusted, articulate, emotionally/financially stable and verbally/physically expressive person, who is just as silly and up for a laugh as the next person (just been less and less able to be those things over time gone by).During the many years I've had for introspection, I've considered every conceivable explanation to why I shaped up to be like I am, including conditions like social anxiety, asperger's syndrome, depression, all of which I have eventually found I have in no more degree than any average person, save for low self-esteem. I have no real clue as to where that may have arisen from, except for having a financially difficult childhood, from which too I have seen dating pros emerge, so it's not a complete explanation. I am very confident in myself, in general. I did have a sheltered growing up in a small, conservative primarily-male nuclear family with a wise, compassionate, strong-of-character, highly spiritual mother. I think that may have lead me to view women as more innocent, gentle beings than I needed to think. The combination of these challenges and facilitations may have had a part to play.I've had female attention since a very young age and did briefly date once, but I guess I was just one of those who don't recognise the attention then because they have something else on their mind. I was an exceedingly good student who was expected to perform exceptionally, but lost my concentration somewhere along the road. I still managed to get to a decent place given the sense instilled in me to not go the wrong way in life. I grew up to be very ambitious, started working at 18 to support my family, while still doing my degree and have been fortunate to be in very decent jobs in my career. I kind of hit a dry patch at 22, after which there were fewer such options I noticed, though a few came up here and there. I've been reminded often by the opposite gender that I'm good looking, but somehow keep regularly forgetting it.So fast forward to current day and for the last several weeks I've got the attention of a certain colleague who works in the US and will be visiting the country on business for 10 days in a few weeks. Sex is on the table. I feel tempted to take her up on the offer, but I feel I could be doing this for the wrong reasons. While I do like her and she seems to say/do all the right things, I feel like I might be selling myself short if I do this. I have always imagined my first time to be a shared experience with another virgin, which she is not (I am even okay to wait 1, 2, 3, 5, 10 years to get married before it happens, if the right girl wants to wait till marriage). With the chances of that happening seemingly more and more bleak in today's age, I've tried to change my outlook and 'drill' some sense into myself. However, as the day nears, I grow ever more conscious of taking that leap. I know I could come across a virgin later, if I take that lifestyle, and fall in love with her for reasons known to all, but wouldn't she hurt after knowing my past, if she were in love with me?Am I abnormal for considering sex with a woman to be too close to my heart? Should all men 'want' to be with multiple women? How do you keep yourself from attaching yourself too much to someone you give yourself away too? Is it so unreasonable to want what I want?While I am in no place to judge anyone for the choices they make, I've read many notes on here from women with the same values/belief system as me. I know 'you' exist. But where are you lot?! I am 'tired' of waiting to meet you! If you ever have to show up, now would be the time :) I know I don't exactly make myself very apparent, in case we've ever come across. Tell me one of you will come along some day soon, and I 'will' hold out! It is easy to wait a bit more, after all the waiting I've done.Isn't there a way for us to all converge? Does anyone know of any forums for virgins to meet and know each other? I joined a site called wewaited.com but there are hardly any UK members there. Anyone got any other novel ideas? I don't particularly want to date scores of women and seem shallow for dropping them because they don't measure up to my 'old school' standards in today's popular culture.I know people recommend going to church to find other people like that, but I'm hindu and would be so out of place there, I wouldn't know what to do. Also, while I have absolutely no problems accepting people of another faith (I'm not overly religious myself), I think girls going to church might be looking for christian men.I feel like this has eaten away at my confidence and has massively affected where I could be further in my career today as well.I am tired of this deflated state of mind, while I clearly know I can be so much more. I have so much to grow and so much love to give. I can be the most loving boyfriend of all.What should I do here? Please help!!! I know this has been long, but ask me anything more you think will allow you to help me better.Opinions/views from people in a similar situation, especially women, are very welcome.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (28 December 2012):
If chastity is that important to you, my first thought would be to go on some Christian dating sites. Those girls are often "marriage first," so you may have some luck there.
A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (26 December 2012):
 I think it's pretty commendable that you value your first sexual experience to be a 'special' one. There will be virgin women out there who feel the same as you, but in this day and age, like you stated, it could be pretty hard to find.
I think just as long as you find a woman who you feel comfortable with and 'deserves' your virginity then just go with it.
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A
male
reader, outtamywits +, writes (26 December 2012):
outtamywits is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Anonymous,First of all, thanks for taking the time to 'actually' read through my entire essay and posting your reply :)So, while I do think that the fact that your other acquaintance was also Indian was merely incidental, I would like to still clarify that while it may seem like it does, the fact that I'm from a certain culture has little bearing on the way I feel about what I wrote. As you will see if you read a few more requests for help around 'virginity at a mature age', these concerns are held by men/women in this situation in every country of the world. I just think that it's easy to pick up on that as the first thing that stands out thoughAnyway, I think the questions you ask around compatibility vs. virginity in a potential partner are completely pertinent (believe me, those are not questions I have not already asked myself). That is why I think that it's not easy for someone who has not been in the same situation as I, to understand why these things concern people in my situation so much. I can tell you that if I had taken the chances at ages 18-20, I would probably be asking the same questions as you. It's just that when you get to 27 as a virgin, having given up chances (and believe me, every man and woman who's a virgin past their early 20s has given up chances, even if they don't know it yet), it is due to a certain way you think or operate. And it becomes easy to want someone who is in the same boat, with the same thinking or way of operating. I can tell you with 100% confidence that it is not for fear of comparison that I feel this. I am completely assured of my capabilities as a lover. I don't think that non-virgins are lesser than virgins. It is simply a case of personal preference to want a virgin. Just like you may want a partner with stable finances, or one who doesn't have a criminal record, or hasn't been to jail. Does it mean that everyone with a bankruptcy/bad credit, or a felony is a bad person? Can there not be warm, compassionate beings among them? Can there not be petulant, selfish and lazy people in the set that meets your criteria? But your preferences are still legitimate. You qualify potential matches on your criteria first and then look for compatibility in everything else.Why is it that whenever someone goes out to list virginity as a preference, they get lashed at? Is it because this one has moral tangents? If read wrongly, my post can almost seem like I deem non-virgins to be less sensible than I, which I assure you is certainly not the case. I just listed that I wanted to share my life with someone who was the same as me, and wanted ideas on how to find them.Dear iAmHereToHelpYou,I think you brought a very good point to the table, when you suggested not to think too much about what a potential girlfriend would bring to my life and me to theirs. Somehow, I was glad you mentioned that, since I'd been thinking on those lines for a few days. I do think that I've been focussed on how a potential partner would reflect on me. I will definitely carry the thought you started forward :)Lots of thinking ahead! ;)I thank you both. Any other readers with insights, experiences, opinions, please contribute.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2012): i was speaking to a man who hails from India the other day and his wish was to marry a virgin too. His family are looking for a bride for him.
I thought his own country would be a reliable place to start. But he disgreed with me. He said that despite what people might like to claim, that instead many girls claim to be virgins but really lost their virginity at 14 or 15 in his country.
So my next thought was England. After all I thought English rose and all that. He disagreed with that too. Because he had worked in England for some time. He said that so many of the girls drink alcohol amd many take drugs. That many are rude and obnoxious when drunk and due to their behaviour he doubted that very many were virgins. I said things to disagree with his views but he said that even the more wealthy and snobby and stuck up girls were free and easy with their favours at the University where he worked.
So I tried to suggest some other countries. I failed to impress as he had other thoughts.
But then I said, why does she have to be a virgin?
Is that the be all and only criteria for a wife?
A)What if she's a really and truly virgin and utterly beautiful but she is also petulant and selfish and lazy?
B)What if she not a virgin and of average looks, but she is considerate, compassionate and enterprising. And really loves you?
Which one would make a better life partner, a better parent?
Why does virginity need to be the whole focus? Surely there are far more important qualities for your future life partner and the mother of your children?
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