A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I would like to ask my GF to marry me but she has an older brother that is borderline retarded and is also 90 percent deaf on top of that and he'll have to move in with us if we ever got married. He's on SSI and disability. He can't work, he has been totally reliant on my GF all his life. I don't want him living with us. I don't know how to handle this. What do I do? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2010): You should tell your gf the truth...don't be dishonest with her about this situation. Taking on a person with special needs can be really difficult and trying...some are other to brave the storm, others are not. Whatever you do, don't try to influence your gf into choosing you over her brother b/c she shouldn't have to do that. From what you wrote...you cited that she has always taken care of him...so if you met her and she was caring for her brother, you can't expect her to leave him now. Besides, most of those homes for adults and kids with special needs are horrible and I am certain she doesn't want to put her brother in such a place. What would you do if you had cared for a brother or sister with special needs? Would you put them away simply b/c the woman you were with told you that she didn't want them living in the same house? Your gf loves her brother.....
You are not wrong for how you feel about the situation...but I highly doubt that you just all of a sudden just started feeling this way. Maybe you thought you could accept the situation or that your gf would stop caring for her brother, allowing someone else to do the job and now that you see that is not the case, you have an issue with it.
If I were your gf...I would not trust you around my brother b/c if you feel that way about him...only God knows how you will vent your anger or fustration if the brother has to move in with the both of you...what if you abuse him? neglect him? mistreat him? Then what? Now, I am not saying you would do those things, in addition, abuse and neglect is high among adults and kids with special needs due to the person not wanting to care for them or in your case, they do not want the special needs person around.
I hope you make the right choice...be honest with your gf and allow her to make the choice of whether or not she wants to stay with you or not and my God, if she does decide to put him in a home...I hope it's a nice one and you should foot the bill.
A
female
reader, romany  +, writes (25 June 2010):
 Has she expressed resentment for being her brothers carer?
If it was always going to be like this from the start of the relationship then your bang out of order, you have to just accept it and get over it, however, if this is a situation that she's found herself in, support her, you can't expect her to institutionalise her brother.
In sickness and In health, For richer or poorer, For better or for worse. Thats true love, Thats marriage.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (25 June 2010):
 Have you talked to your girlfriend about it, about other options? You can't make her choose between you and him, she'll choose him. But I don't think it's unreasonable to ask that she find him a better situation than moving in with you two.
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