A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am a 33 year old man who has been single for 2 years but I feel I am ready to get back out in the dating game again and see how it goes. However I am a little hesitant because of a possible terminal cancer diagnosis. Last year I was diagnosed with Hodgkins Lymphma stage 2. I did the chemotherapy and radiation and doctors considered me to be in remission after that. I have been in remission 6 months but I have a feeling the cancer will come back one of these days. As time goes on I am not all that optimistic about the treatments working to keep this thing in remission. I have to wait at least 2 years into remission before I have some confidence about it not returning. How soon should I mention to a date about my terminal diagnosis? I figure it is important for anyone who might get serious with me to know that I might not live another 5 years. I am ready to go on light dates but nothing heavy like kissing or sex for awhile while I wait this thing out. Cancer relapse is something I think about everyday and maybe even every hour.
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female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (9 August 2013):
Dear OP,
I am very sorry you're going through this. The advice I'm going to give you is a bit of the touchy-feely kind but it's my experience from dating: Don't worry too much in advance about what to disclose when. Just look at the woman in front of you. Do you like her? Do you want to see her again? Or do you feel she's cold and not worth your trust? If there's genuine sympathy and understanding, I feel that it's not really important when to say what. It will burst out in the right or wrong moment and will be accepted. If that understanding and sympathy is not there, it's not going to work out, no matter if you tell her on the first, second or 20st date. Either a woman can live with the fact that you have cancer in remission, or she can't. Her ability to deal with your diagnosis won't be any bigger on the fifth date than on the first. Just give her time to see all aspects of you, not just the wounded part. And think about what you have to offer to her, not just about the possible burden of your diagnosis. I wish you good luck. And remember, dating isn't always easy. I'm perfectly healthy, I'm told I'm pretty and I still find it very difficult to find my match. So, if there's some trouble, don't assume it's just because of your diagnosis, it might as well just be part of the process of dating.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2013): I am so sorry that you have had to go through cancer. I am glad you are in remission now. I have had friends who have had cancer and have been in remission for many years. I wont' pretend to know what it's like to be living with the anxiety that it could return any day, I hope that you can find some comfort and relief from your anxiety. Perhaps a cancer support group might help? As for how soon to tell someone. I would mention it on the first date, not because you are "warning" your date, but simply because a first date is where you get to know the other person, and part of that is sharing and disclosing some personal information. Since right now your cancer treatments and ordeal are the predominant factor in your life, I think it is only fitting and appropriate to mention that. You don't have to elaborate on it, but just mention it. To not even mention it on the first date might make the woman uncomfortable to find out on the second or third date.
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A
female
reader, goldie22 +, writes (8 August 2013):
Each day is a gift for all of us dear, go out and grab life with both hands. You dont have to tell people about your past immediatly, just wait and see how things are going and then talk about it if you think you will see more of them. I think maybe you might benefit from councilling to deal with this. Dont suffer alone, talking helps.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (8 August 2013):
I usually try to give people some advice rather than simply re-direct them to counsellors, but in your case I think you would benefit from it. You are writing as if you actually have a terminal diagnosis: “How soon should I mention to a potential date about my terminal diagnosis?” Which terminal diagnosis is that?
You have had a form of cancer which, at early stages, is known to respond well to chemo and radiotherapy. There is absolutely no inevitability whatsoever that this cancer is going to return. People who haven’t been through this often have the idea that it gets easier once you’re in remission: you’re as closed to “cured” as you can be with cancer, right? Well maybe, but how do you slowly rebuild your life and return to normality? Isn’t this the time when you get a break from all the treatments and really start to understand the enormity of what you’ve been through? And how do you achieve a healthy balance between the inevitable worry about a possible return of the disease, with living a life not ruled by cancer and the fear of it? I don’t know the answer, because it’s different for everyone and some people find this easier than others. I think you need a bit of help: yes, it’s good that you’re thinking about how and when to disclose your illness, but you’re actually convinced you are going to die from this, which is by no means set in stone. There’s every chance you’ll live a long life, but however long it is, you can’t be paralysed and unable to find any happiness, or get close to people, because of what might be around the corner. You could be hit by the cliché bus tomorrow, as could I.
It would be helpful to you to talk in confidence to Macmillan about adjusting to life following remission. There’s life before and after cancer. Some people struggle with missing that life before cancer, but I do think life after cancer could be a lot happier for you if you can achieve some sensible perspective on this. And quite frankly I do believe you need some help for that. I think this should be your priority first and foremost at the moment, draw on support from anyone around you that you can trust to help you get through this. There are no easy answers but asking for help’s where you need to start.
I wish you all the very best.
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