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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: I'm ugly, and that means guys pass me by, ignore me, don't approach me, or when they do it's obviously a momentary thing just 'cause they're desperate for sex (believe me, I can tell, I've learned to tell!). My friends are really pretty, and they get guys' attention all the time... and no just for sex (though it happens of course), but they have guys telling them sweet stuff, liking them for who they are, caring about them, etc. And they get approached. I get so sad because guys never approach me, because they never like ME, because they ignore me, etc. I've been advised to approach guys if they're ignoring me, but why would I want to approach guys who're too busy giving attention to pretty women? I feel so pathetic for caring so much about this and letting it get to me, and ashamed of thinking that I'm the girl who has to approach guys and look desperate in the process... I wish I was beautiful and that guys gave me attention, but sadly I'm not like that, and I always feel so sad because my friends get heaps of attention and I don't, even though I'm just as smart and cool as they are. How do I cope? Is there a way in which I can make myself not want this attention, or go off relationships altogether? I just want peace of mind, and since I'm ugly (and it can't be fixed) I will never get it in regards of attention/relationships. I don't feel like a woman, it seems all women I know are always getting asked out or have suitors, while I don't. I feel lonely, in a way, which makes it worse. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, alphamalesyndrome  +, writes (5 January 2012):
You sound cool, smart and self-reflective. You may well be the "ugly chick" in the group; it's hard to tell without actually seeing you. BUT 1) Being attractive is more than being "pretty", and2) Everyone can make the most of the body that they have.Here's what you should do:- If you are fat, lose weight. Do sports, eat right. Make sure you keep your body in peak physical condition- If you have Acne, get that taken care of.- Get a makeover. Get your hair and nails done. Buy clothes that you feel sexy in. Get some nice shoes. Make sure you always smell good. Find joy in decorating yourself. - Work on your confidence and body language. Start dancing AND yoga. Travel a bit. Sure, most guys are stupid and superficial, but the really great powerful men are more attracted to a woman who has a nice walk AND posture; a confident, serene demeanor and is fun to be around; and who lives an interesting life. Do these things, and you will be surprised at the quality of guys you will get.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (27 December 2011):
 If the good looking guys and the ugly guys laugh at you and turn you down and you say all you want is to be flirted with and treated like they are going to get laid by you (which is all they are doing when they buy drinks for a pretty girl is hoping to get laid) then I think perhaps again the issue is NOT THE MEN but how you are interacting with them. Because look at this.. the ONLY thing all of them have in common is YOU… and how THEY all react to you is the SAME. But they are DIFFERENT people…. So that means the ONLY constant is you.Again, I think that the issue is that you want them to treat you one way based on THEM thinking you are pretty and yet YOU yourself can’t carry yourself as pretty because YOU don’t see yourself that way,IF you carried yourself the way you WANTED to be seen, even if you weren’t they would see you that way.
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A
female
reader, Phunky  +, writes (27 December 2011):
 ok i i bet you're not ugly not on the outside nor the inside but you don't have self confidence. I see a lot of good advice here and you should take them be SELF confident. If you are not self confident try to have a day off, go to the salon get another hair style, do your nails buy some new clothes. Ask someone to give you advice on how you dress. I don't advise you on make up, if you do like then put on make up keep it simple. im not that experienced but i had a time that i felt so ugly so lonley. im fat really fat my fianceé is the skinniest person on earth and that's funny he said he loves big sized girls he doesnt care how i look like and for you try to not think about ur looks make just friends male friends for sur they will love you for who you are knowing the real you !! goodluck my advice isnt as good as the others here but i just wanted to comment on your message life is tooshort live it do things you like and mr.right will eventualy comes your way
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2011): For people who assume my goals for a partner are too high, they aren't. I actually usually go for underdogs, guys my friends usually think ARE ugly, but they're incredibly attractive to me 'cause they have a je ne sais quoi, sometimes it's their demeanor, other times it's their laughter, their shyness, or even their "strong features". I'm actually usually not attracted to "classically handsome" men. I'm not, simply put. Yet I've been turned down by these guys. And even the nicest nice guys, the geekiest, the nerdiest, the "ugliest", they always want a pretty woman. They give attention to my friends. And sometimes it's not even that I want a partner, I just wish I had the female experience of getting attention, of getting free drinks, etc., just based on how I look. I know it's wrong, but I want it, it's so quintessentially female... I feel robbed. And I mean, men may call me vain, or that I want to take advantage of other men, blah, blah, but if they're so willing to treat beautiful women better, even when they don't give them the time of day in return, then why shouldn't I want some attention? Not everything that glitters is gold, and us uglies need love and attention too. Actually Code Warrior makes a good point, ugly women are just as capable of giving affection to other men, sometimes even more so than beauty queens. Anyway, the point is, no, I'm not aiming to bag a Brad Pitt lookalike, I just wish guys flirted with me and were nice to me just because they think I'm pretty, it's a female experience I'm missing out on. And it makes me feel like an ugly rejected underdog... I've made the first move before and I've been turned down every single time, so I'm fed up, especially because, well, at least as a teen (hopefully guys are more mature now), many guys who turned me down then made fun of me for being so "desperate" for having made the first move. Cheers,- OP -
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (26 December 2011):
I'm going to bet you are not ugly. I am going to bet you BELIEVE you are ugly and sadly that is WORSE.
I know a woman who as a teenage was not all that attractive, thin hair, big nose, tiny breasts... she just was awkward... and had not grown into herself... just had dinner with her and had not seen her in TWENTY years... she is drop dead gorgeous... and the thing was she always THOUGHT she was a catch and ACTED that way...she never WANTED for any attention and the truth is I was probably MORE attractive classically than she was. Now as two attractive middle aged women, we garner lots of looks when we go out... granted it's middle aged men but it's appropriate...
I tell you this because BEAUTY is
a. in the eye of the beholder... some men like small breasts, some like blondes, some like green eyes or blue eyes or tall or short or thin or fat... EVERYONE has a different idea of what is attractive... and what is overwhelmingly attractive is confidence...
b. skin deep... in other words, who you are is not based on how you LOOK but rather how you ACT and what you FEEL.
I mean seriously you have two eyes a nose a mouth two ears and hair... all of these things can be changed.... color... style etc.
When I was long red curly haired and 300 pounds I had men after me all the time.... now at half my size with short dark straight hair I have fewer men after me and I'm more classically attractive than I was... but I exude a "don't bother" attitude.... and most men pick up on that.
I would like to know how you define ugly... and then of course which men are you interested in.
maybe it's that you are so attractive to them, they are intimidated by your looks and afraid you will say NO? Men have egos too ya know....
are your goals for a partner too high?
I mean I am not going to find a 40 something younger handsome, doctor to love me... I'm not of that class at t his point in my life... I could have been but it would not have been true to myself so I ended up with a short, skinny, military hair cut, snaggle toothed 38 yr old data geek... who loves me and treats me well....
what are you goals for a partner? are they too high?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2011): It's all in the attitude I know some girls that are on the bigger side not conventionally good looking or should I say what we are told is good looking in the media, but get loads and loads of lads after them. It doesn't happen straight away though they dont get approached in the way you describe your friends doing but what they do is go out have a good time and talk to people you'll tend to find most people will talk to anyone and be polite and it go's from there they just have fun and people want to be with them for the right reasons not just about how they look. If people dont talk to you just because of how you look forget them anyway its shallow and I honestly think it shows some real personality problems and I certainly dont want to mix with people like that lifes way way too short for all that carry on
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female
reader, Zennith  +, writes (26 December 2011):
anyone can be beautiful, its all made up.You can do something with your hair ( extensions, colour), get someone to show you how best to do your makeup dress nice always little sexy and Voila! You will be beautiful. But that alone doesn't work. Its all in the vibe and energy you give out. Have fun, be open and smile, and if you like him enough, make that first move.
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A
female
reader, feralfox +, writes (26 December 2011):
Some guys are shallow, but you don't want to be with a shallow guy anyways! I have always felt really insecure, but as I've gotten older I've learned to love the things that make me me, and that includes my weird nose. Guys see that I'm comfortable and they are drawn to that. Instead of approaching guys as a potential date, why don't you approach them initially as a really cool and funny girl. Then they can get to know the real you and see how awesome you are. When they see you for you, they see what REALLY makes you beautiful-- and that accentuates your physical looks too.
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A
female
reader, Claraw1  +, writes (26 December 2011):
 The first thing that came to mind for me, was situation between 2 friends of mine, one was stunning looking and a great girl once you got to know her, but she had huge self-esteem issues, and quite shy, the other of our friends was not that good looking at all, but she had self confidence, looked approachable and has loads of self-esteem. Point is it was the girl who had self-confidence that the guys were approaching and saying all the sweet things to and initiated contact with, whilst the stunning girl was basically ignored. It isn't all about looks it's about attitude, and self-confidence. The thing is that your self-esteem is so low and you beieve that when a guy does approach you it's obviously a momentary thing because he wants sex. I think you should concentrate on yourself and get some counseling for your self-esteem issues. I have had self-esteem issues myself and thought very much like you do, now I realise that I was wrong and have found a wonderful man who loves me and sees beauty in me that I can't see myself. I would never have given him a chance to get close to me or get to know me before I had counseling. Please do get some help for yourself, I know how tormenting these thoughts can be and you deserve so much better for yourself. Good Luck
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