A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:i am not sure what i am feeling, but here it goes... I have been with my husband for 14 years. We met when we were 18 and got pregnant 9 months later, we have been together ever since, with a few breaks here and there. We have been married now 8 years, and added a few more children totalling 3. The years were not so easy to us, but we managed. Moving forward -- we had talked about having a marriage which we would allow others to enter,. Open Marriage. I experienced with someone, and he has yet to do so. I found my experience exilarating.. Like a drug, I wanted more and more.. I guess that is why i moved to having an affair.. for over a year--he would have not been ok with this as it was someone he knew . He found out. I was in it for the fun at first, but then realized all of what i was searching for was love not sex.. i thought i had found it with this man.. i guess it was -- All i had been looking for-- . I can not help to think of him.. Then i look at the reasons i think of him, and find it is right after my husband talks about how he wants to be with other women, and cannot wait to have "someone hot". Mind you i am an attractive woman, but i find myself in a slump of feeling like i dont belong with him. I feel like it is all gone, and we are just pretending.. Recently we went on a vacation, and no matter how beautiful i looked that was all that was on his mind is finding another girl, we would be in the pool and having a romantic time, and he would say... i wish i could find someone .. into "hey there is a place down here that we could buy a girl for the night. ??" I know he was in such pain after finding out about me having an affair, but then agian keeps saying he wants me to sleep with a man.. I am not going to do that agian, as it really messed me up. I am just wondering why this is going on?? Why cant i put my mistake behind me? I want love and love for me only. I feel I went down the affair route as i wanted to feel love. So sad but true. I really cant stand my husband any longer, but i dont want to leave for my kids. I am not sure if a man can really love his wife, if he wants this.. mind you i did too at one point, but i know realize i was i search for love that was long gone out of my life. I know that i should stay with my husband, but i feel my life will be empty, and know how capable i am to love fully. I just am so confused, and i just dont care anymore. I find this so helpful. I know someone is out there that is perfect for me, and i know someone is perfect for my husband. Maybe we are at the end of the road. Marriage counseling does not work for us, we have tried and really come down to all the things i need to change .. I WISH all the time for my love to come back for him. Please help
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2010): You feel you don't love him because you keep hearing him talk about being with other women.
I'm sorry but that's your fault. You both agreed to open marriage. You went through with it. He didn't. Not only did you do it, but with someone he knew! Seriously?!
You need to sit with him and tell him. I don't want you to sleep with anyone else. I did it and I regret it so so much. But I want to love you again for our sake and our kids sake. But I can't do that with you talking about being with other women all the time.
Then let him decide what he wants. Maybe he wants to just love you too but has to sleep with someone to get over it. To be even. Maybe someone you know. I would want too.
Maybe he will be moved by what you are asking. And not want too.
Talk to him.
A
female
reader, Sugarbuns  +, writes (22 January 2010):
 Before you and your husband agreed to have an open marraige you have to ask yourself if you still loved him at that point, or were so bored/disenchanted and disconnected that you were actually willing to try something so outrageous? You've tried it and it didn't fill the void. It made it worse. I think you should put all your cards on the table with your husband. Do you both really want to continue like this? Because it's very damaging and hurtful to your marriage. If you don't love each other, then it's time to quit playing games and get divorced. But I suspect your husband is acting out of pride and the fact that you cheated and he's wounded over it and sort of wanting to get even to ease his ego. Maybe you should both talk about the direction of your marriage and be honest. If you don't want to cheat and you don't want an open marriage tell them. On the other hand, if you still want someone else, then it's probably time to pull the plug and just be single. Open marriages almost never work out.
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A
female
reader, Gridrebel +, writes (22 January 2010):
 You did not fall out of love in a day so you probably won't fall back in love in a day either. It doesn't sound as if your husband is a bad husband or father. Why not think of how your kids will suffer from your divorce and keep your family together until they are grown. Remember, if he re-marries, they will get a new step mom. And if you re-marry, they will get a new step dad. Look at all the drama you could be exposing them to. By focusing on your children and being a great mom and continuing to be a good wife, your life should not be "empty". It may not be perfect, but things could be a lot worse.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (21 January 2010):
 Sometimes it helps to hear the problem from an outside point of view. Let me mirror back to you what you wrote in simple terms.
You believe that you and your husband are not in love. You know that each of you could be better off with someone else. You agreed to have an open marriage. You are allowed to look for other sex partners, he is not.
You wish for your love for your husband to come back. You are unwilling to change anything you are doing.
You don't understand why he wants what you have promised him. You want him to be more attracted to you. You are only staying with him for the kids sake.
At some point you are going to have to chose of the many conflicting things that you want, Which one you want most. On a side note you are likely suffering withdrawal from addiction to cheating. I recently learned about this addiction which has a chemical basis. Part of the reason you don't feel love has to do with that. I have also been told never to give up on counseling after the first try. Often changing to a different counselor makes for a better fit.
FA
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