A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating a woman for about two months now and dont seem to be able to stop myself destroying something that could be great. I was previously in a long term relationship which was ended by my partner kissing another man. This devastated me. I met my current partner after three years of trying to find somebody who i thought could be the one. We get on great and there is real chemistry between us - everything feels easy. I have posted on here before about concerns i had about her past - she told me she was flirtatious when younger, she owned a 'little miss naughty' t shirt and also was quite forward with me when we met (online). I was basically told to get a grip and that my issues were causing me to be ultra critical. The problem is that i keep doing it. She received a text message about three weeks after we had first met from a man asking if she wanted a threesome! I obviously questioned this! She said it was from a man she had been on a date with before she had dated me. That he had continued to text her but she had stopped replying so he was just trying to rile her by sending the message so he would get a response. I was very sceptical about this but tried to take a fairer view - im aware there are many sleazes online and so this kind of talk wouldnt be out of the ordinary. She has also never tried to hide her phone and never hid the message when it arrived either. Also, because it was early days the story was somewhat plausible. On a seperate note, we were messing about recently having a joke and banter when the issue of me not being a chocolates and flowers guy came up.... she said jokingly 'no wonder your ex did what she did' - before apologising straight away. I fell out with her again and made her cry. Although the threesome thing gave me ample reason to be upset, i feel i am making her unhappy sometimes -she said that she feels she is being dangled on a string and walking on eggshells so as not to upset me. She has fallen for me while i openly tell her that i wont fall in love for a long while until im 100% positive. When she is in my company, she never gives me any reason to doubt her. She sometimes seems too honest if anything. She tells me she has never cheated and i believe her, but i find myself looking for faults. I have been told by a few women i dated before that i need to stop pushing people away...... but sometimes it feels warranted?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2011): I understand what you mean to some extent. When i feel vunerable, i tend to step back from the relationship and not be as active - rarely text etc. This makes it hard for my girlfriend because she thinks i can be hot and cold.I guess i do it to protect myself but its not fair on her.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2011): "I have been told by a few women i dated before that i need to stop pushing people away...... but sometimes it feels warranted?"
It sounds like you're asking for permission not to care for this woman. Or perhaps you just want your feelings vindicated...you want someone here to tell you have a right to be angry about the text message she received and the t-shirt she owned? I don't know if anyone can really tell you if this girl is worth caring for other than you. To me it sounds like she's very honest and open (but perhaps unedited) in her thoughts and emotions.
To me, it sounds as if you just don't want to be close to her. You say you "wont fall in love for a long while until i'm 100% positive." Positive about what? Her feelings or yours? Or are you literally grading her suitability? To me, it sounds like you look for faults to avoid feeling attached to her. You examine her so critically because you don't want to examine your own feelings and be reminded of your vulnerabilities. If you spend the relationship waiting for her to disappoint you, then don't be surprised when it happens. People disappoint each other, especially people we care about the most...We all have high expectations of the people we try to love and it's unreasonable to think that they won't disappoint us or hurt us at some point. The disappoint us BECAUSE we care.
At the heart of it, it sounds like this relationship is coming apart because of the way you communicate...or fail to communicate. As soon as you feel vulnerable it seems like you stop communicating. My advice would be to resist that urge to shut down the next time she hurts you or you have a conflict. I would start with just telling her you're upset and you need some time alone. You don't have to bounce back to a happy face, but you should at least articulate what you're feeling. I think acknowledging that you're not great at communicating and that you have trust issues would go a long way in helping her understand where you're coming from.
I say this all because I've tried unsuccessfully dating men with the same problems as you. I'm pretty familiar with the feeling of walking on eggshells and I have to say the point where I usually give up is when the communication breaks down completely. If you don't have communication, then what's the point of dating really? Working on your communication is probably the best way to get out of this rut your in. You could probably start by admitting to her know you're not great at it.
Good luck.
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