A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I came close to starting a relationship with a man 3 years ago, who WAS also a co-worker, but I wasn't quite over my ex partner and I suspected he was on the rebound after being in a very unhappy marriage for 10 years. I have to say, the guy in question is a mature man in many respects - 50 - and extremely well regarded, professional, a gentleman and basically a wonderful man, actually shy around women, AND I think he is very naive in regard to women.SO, when I say he was 'on the rebound' what I mean is that I don't think he himself understood that's what he may be doing - you have a great guy who is a bit pissed off at being taken to the cleaners by his ex wife ( who others have said is extremely domineering) and with not much history of any luck with women just looking, in a fairly shy way, to 'get out there' and see what happens. I just suspected neither he nor I was ready for a long relationship and I knew I definitely didn't want to have anything casual or to get hurt + we were co-workers.Fast forward and he is definitely showing signs of interest - and maturity in regard to women now. The rebound relationship only lasted 6 months and there's been nothing between him and any other woman since then.I would just like people's opinions about whether I should give this a go? I ask because, even though in my head I knew what was going on at the time and knew I wasn't ready for anything, I was also REALLY devastated when he seemed to lose interest in me - he was still really nice to me and considerate etc, but it was as if he saw that I wasn't ready (which I wasn't) and he decided to try to move on.I guess everyone's different, but it hurt my ego, I admit - even though it wasn't my place to be hurt at all.Then again, it's possible he was completely confused - in fact he's said about as much - by my behaviour. On the one hand I must have come across as flirting and wanting him (I did) and then holding back.Part of me things: good, he's gotten that stage out of the way and it makes sense, that's what I though he would do. The other part of me thinks (illogically I know) - how COULD you just switch your affections to another woman when I was really hung up on you? The thought of me being with another man instead of him, at that time, was an impossibility.I just need someone to talk a bit of sense to me. I think it boils down to me being somewhat unfair, insecure at that time and so being easily hurt.Should I go for it this time? And how should I show him I'm interested without it immediately becoming too heavy? It's almost as if we both KNOW now that I wanted something longer term, if not forever - which I don't think is a nice way to start a relationship - I want to keep it light and fun for a while.
View related questions:
co-worker, ex-wife, flirt, his ex, insecure, move on, my ex, shy Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2015): You said the rebound relationship lasted only six months. Did you explain to the gentleman what was going on, or did you leave it up to him to figure you out?
He's a mature man, and capable of wisdom and understanding. He's in no hurry; so you did have the advantage of patience on your side. If things didn't change or improve within that six months, I'm pretty certain he's not considering another go romantically.
I'm a mature person myself. He has been through a divorce, and put-up with difficult emotional issues from women. There does come a point in your life when age has given you an advantage from experience. Then there is another point where you've had enough of the nonsense.
It is possible that he may not mind you inviting him over for dinner, or out for a coffee-date. If he hasn't made any overtures or attempts to rekindle a connection ith you, I think things have now run cold. Your window of opportunity may be closed. That doesn't rule-out spending time together on a mature and friendly basis.
Approach from the stand-point of keeping each other company and less emphasis on the romantic aspect. Test the waters so to speak. You know, you can't always fall back on excuses why things went wrong. Time is precious and people just don't always have time or energy to waste on problematic relationships. Especially when he had to divorce someone for that very reason.
You and I are both old enough to know you don't go into new relationships waving your insecurities like a flag of surrender. It's doomed from the beginning. Why should he risk going through dealing with your baggage yet a second-time?
Invite him out for a stroll some afternoon, weather permitting; and have a talk over tea.
Discuss adult issues and feelings; and feel him out. He'll let you know in no uncertain terms; if there is a chance or not. I wouldn't count him as "naive." Once a man goes through the hell of a bad marriage; and a heated divorce with a scornful woman, he is no longer naive by any means. Don't make yourself out to sound damaged. Let him know how much better you are now, than you were. Don't plead for another chance, allow him to come across willingly. Just be at ease and be yourself.
If you get no feedback, then you'll know you're in the friend-zone. That's really not a bad place to be, if you're lonely.
|
