A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:pls help..when i was little my step dad abused me,my mum and him have now split up, but still at the age of 25 im getting night-mares, flash backs. when me and my husband try to make love i get flash backs den. it got so bad i couldnt go out the house for 2yrs as it mad me really ill. ive been through counciling which has helped a bit. i just cant seem to lead a normal life he never got convicted they didnt have enough evidence. he got away scott free.i dont even talk to my mum anyone as he admitted it to her. my head is everywhere i dont know what to do. i have 2lovely daughters who i love to bits and would do anything for them. i so how feel i aint giving them my all. which i want to do pls help me.....
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female
reader, Midge +, writes (19 April 2007):
 I was abused by my family doctor when I was 15 and after years of therapy I can remember it as if it was yesterday.
The therapy helped a bit as you say, but the pain doesnt go away, but it does get better. Its been 16 and a half years since my ordeal and the flashbacks have finally stopped. But only recently!
I was in the same situation wondering how to get them to stop and didnt want my boyfriends to touch me, because I felt violated! Like it was happening all over again.
I found that the only thing that helped me was literally throwing myself into my work, and I actually started my own business through it. It was a painstaking struggle taking each day, one at a time. I was thankful to have my boyfriend who knows what I have been through, and was SO good, taking things real slow. If I pulled back, he would stop and that would be the end of it. No comments about not being able to have a love life or anything like that. Finally after years of trying, we were able to get on and have a sexual relationship like normal couples.
Having something to focus on, like a career gives you less time to think about things that have happened, and makes you think about the things that you have to do. So effectively not giving yourself time to ponder over the past.
I suggest you have a long chat with your husband, and if he loves you like I'm sure he does, he will be very understanding and be happy to take a step back and take things at a slower pace. Sure he may be sexually frustrated, but he'll survive. My boyfriend did and I can assure you, after they have been through something like this with you, your relationship will be 10 times stronger than it ever was.
If you are not working, and perhaps an at home mom, perhaps try starting up a little business of your own. Nothing too large, something small that you can work around your family. You can be a mom, wife and a career woman!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2007): try to for get the past and focus more on what's to came as by the sounds of letter you have good things cumin your way.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2007): I went through a similar thing and i really feel for you, sometimes the memories come back and it's hard but you can be strong and not let it affect your life anymore. My mum knew about it for a long time and it affected the way i felt about her as we were really close, i still talk to her though. I realise that she was weak and I feel she most probably has her own regrets, but we don't talk about it. I also had counselling, but found i didn't want to talk to someone that i felt wouldn't understand.
Concentrate on the family you have now, your beautiful daughters and ask for support from your husband. Talk through how you feel with him, let all of your emotions out and open up to him. He will listen and love and support you i'm sure. Hope this helps and things get better for you x
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (19 April 2007):
 I have professional experience of working with families in your situation. It is normal to have the symptoms you describe as an adult based on what happened to you as a child. You say you got counselling, but I think different sorts of counselling work on different types of people so ask your GP for a referral to a specialist sexual violence (mental health) clinic in the NHS or find out what is available in your community - search the net for local groups. You may benefit from a support group for survivors of family abuse or maybe you would be an excellent candidate for childline or similar voluntary sector experiences once you have got your head straight. It may empower you later on to work in this field but obviously your emotions must be treated first. I think you are right to feel angry about what happened but the anxiety around the abuse can and should be treated.
You cannot change what happened in the past and I am sorry the police didn't take action. However, you can change what happens to you now and how you let it affect your life. You have to focus on the good stuff in your life - your children, your partner and your potential for a good life. I strongly feel you can only do this with prolonged professional help and this is why you should seek a therapist who suits your needs and preferences.
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