A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I asked a question and received a few responses. Thank-you. I have been to counseling about my husband going to the strip clubs when he was working out on the road and drunk. I have had to stop going to counseling because i had surgery. I have brought up the fact that i want to go to this club and see exactly what goes on in there. my husband said it would not be a good idea and that i would not enjoy myself. He did promise that he would in the future, if i wanted. My therapist said he does not recommend this that the mind is like a camera and i need to get the images out of my head. my sister said she does not think I should go. my best friend said why would i want to go i would just hate him. I cant leave this issue alone. He said it was just a place to drink beer. He said none of the strippers were talikng to him, but one did talk to his friend trying to get them to sit closer to the stage, the were sitting at the bar. how do i let this go? should i go to this place or not? My husband has changed alot of things about himself to try and make ammends for what he has done. i do recognize what he has done, but still get get it out of my head or move on. Please someone help me i am crushed by what has happened. I never thought that i would never be able to trust him. How do i get it back? i want my life back. i want what I thought i had before i found any of this out.
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best friend, crush, drunk, move on, stripper Reply to this Question
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female
reader, blahblahblahh  +, writes (10 September 2010):
 Okay, I HATE it when men speak for all men according to how they live their lives and what they believe in. Please don't listen to the men bellow. Universe man saying you'll have to get over it and accept there's more prettier woman in the world.. the world is full of beautiful women, everyone in the world is beautiful in someone elses eyes, just like you should be the most beautiful woman in your mans eyes. Just because some men think it's perfectly fine to hurt someone this way doesn't speak for all men there are many men out there that respect the feelings of their partner. As are there many men who wouldn't step foot in a strip club. You can't sweep all men with the same brush. Some men don't like to admit that because they don't like that there are better gentlemen than them out there.
My advice to you is don't go, if you want to try to forgive and forget this issue, then you need to wipe it out of your mind, which will be hard but takes lots of time. Did your husband know from day one that you weren't okay with him going to strip clubs? Or has he just found out the way you feel now after he went to one? If he knows now that he can't go to strip clubs when in a relationship with you and you can trust him on that, then try your best to move on and forget about it. If he's being appologetic about it and trying to help you then he's worth trying to work things out with.
Look at it this way, the women in strip clubs are surgicaly enhanced, made up women, I'm sure your husband finds you far more attractive than any of those women selling their bodies. So try not to think about those women, he might of only went in tagging along with a drunken friend, who's to even say he likes the look of these women? They're just high class prostitutes in my opinion, don't be jeleous of them because you're so much better than that.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2010): I think you should go and see what its like at a female stand point.. just be aware there will be lots of nude women on stage and sometimes waitress.. there are some small bars in others i have only been too two with my husband and his best friend. i agree the strippers are nice to women and they are there to make a paycheck. i spoke to one and she had three kids single mom and working as a stripper for extra money. I am a very conservative woman myself and very modest and it help me open up to my husband more.. Keep an open mind and remember its entertainment only if they want to go home with a man its illegal and there is security in the building at all times. I would check the ratings on them before you go to one to find a decent place and not some hole in the wall.. men love women but they will only be married to the one they love**
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2010): I have been to a strip club with my husband and we had such a good time.. The strippers were nice and wasnt grinding on me. I noticed that if a man doesnt have a lot of money they want nothing to do with the individual.. there will be lots of boobs and booty walking around. That is there job to make money and strictly entertainment for men or women. It takes a secure strong woman to go to a place like this. your husband will be checking the strippers out that is just human nature and a way a mans mind is unless there gay. I would go if I was you and see its not what you think it is. good luck!! (it help my husband and i open up too each other more..)
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (1 September 2010):
 My compliments to Universe Man -- those were great points.
In my younger days I had a friend who chose to spend a great deal of time in such places, so if we were going out for a beer on Saturday that's where we went. I doubt things have changed much in the intervening 20 years, so let me describe it for you. You walk in the door, and you're hit by the smell of stale beer. It's dark, so your eyes take a minute to adjust; when they do, you see a threadbare carpet, scratched tables and upholstery well past its prime. Usually quite a large room, with booths running around the wall, tables nearer the stage, and a counter running along side of the stage.
Did you see the Demi Moore movie "Striptease"? I never once saw a girl who looked remotely as good as her. The pros are on the stage going through the motions, and often can't disguise their boredom. Quite often there are tables of guys just there to drink beer, ignoring the girl dancing -- I can't imagine how crushing that must be for her. There's a DJ in a booth, trying to generate some enthusiasm, and generally failing. All in all, it's more often pathetic than erotic.
You've made it very clear how you feel, so your husband understands that going again would be a deal-breaker. What, then, has you so bothered?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2010): I am not sure hownto help you. I think in general when women go to a strip club to seen what happening there, the women come away thinking the place is kinda harmless and perhaps anlittle pathetic.
However, it's all relative to you, who you are, your life experiences. What kind of life did you live prior to marriage. Are you extremely conservative, very religious, a virgin on ur wedding day? Do you sunbathe topless, do you wear a revealing bikini at the beach, or a full blown cover up even tho u don't need to?
I guess what I am getting at is that strip clubs are not that far out of the mainstream for most people, and it would probably help for the average woman to go.
However, if you are a very conservative person, perhaps this would put disturbing visuals in ur mind that you can't erase. Perhaps the best thing then is to justvtry to put this all behind you
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A
male
reader, Universe Man +, writes (1 September 2010):
All men look at other women. All men think about other women. Your man does this. Right now, he's picturing some movie star, or some girl he banged in college, or a stripper. Five minutes ago, he was picturing yet another one.
Lots of men go to strip clubs. Lots more would go to strip clubs if they weren't so terrified of their wives/girlfriends. It's not just a place to drink beer. It's a place to drink beer and look at naked women.
This is completely separate from whether a man would cheat on his woman. Which I imagine is what you're really afraid of. Every woman in the history of civilization who ever got married, married a man who looks at other women. Many of them had long happy marriages. Are you really that different? Just because you aren't the only woman in the world to your man DOES NOT MEAN YOU WILL DIE ALONE.
"How do I let this go?" You can do two things. You can decide you'll just get over yourself and admit that there are prettier women in the world and your husband would have to be some kind of sexless mutant not to want to look at them... OR you can try to change human nature, which actually is the nature of all life, going back to the very first bacterium that ever floated in the ocean. Which will it be?
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A
male
reader, Dane824  +, writes (1 September 2010):
Friend, you need to get this out of your head. Your imagination can and will do far more harm to your relationship with your husband than anything he did at some stupid strip club. I do not know your husband but I think I've been down that same road as he, and believe from what you are telling he regrets having gone to that place. I believe he loved you enough to have watched his behavior at that place and would not have done anything to compromise his marriage, or relationship with you.
"My therapist said he does not recommend this that the mind is like a camera and i need to get the images out of my head." and, "but still get get it out of my head or move on." You see, the greatest danger to your marriage is your mind, not his action. You see, if you don't come to your senses and get a grip on the situation it will drive you crazy. And, if you are not careful you may end up causing your husband to come to a very wrong conclusion of, "oh well, what's the use."
Gosh, I believe with all of my feeling you're husband is extremely sorry for having gone, and now, more so, that you've found out and are reacting the way you have. He
never for one minute would have hurt you the way your are
behaving.
.
He did not go to bed with the stripper. I doubt seriously
he actually enjoyed the show as much as you believe and
would have rather been somewhere else...,. But no-one likes to be considered an old fuddy-dud, or spoil sport.
I'm a married man, have three grown children, and a lovely
wife, and I've been to maybe 4 or 5 strip clubs in my life and can't truthfully say, I've enjoyed any of them. I think my wife looked as good, if not possibly better than any of them... I went to those clubs not because I wanted, but to please some ole buddies.
.
No, you've got a great man.. don't mess up. And if it will help go to the strip and see for yourself. It's pretty amusing sometime. And while your there, be sure and laugh a little...
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