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I want to save this relationship, so how can I get him to understand that what I said was a mistake that was not aimed at him?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (12 January 2016) 4 Answers - (Newest, 13 January 2016)
A female United States age 18-21, anonymous writes:

The love of my life broke up with me a few weeks ago because I was in a confrontational mood and said some very mean and hurtful things to him. Obviously, I did not mean what I said at all and I love him dearly. He is obviously hurt. He goes out of his way to avoid me and tells me that he doesn't love me anymore and that the trust is completely gone. I've tried writing him letters, going to see him, and just giving him time but nothing seems to work. I desperately want him back and I know that he cares for me. He has the habit of lying and blaming others when he is hurt and that is exactly what he's doing to me. For example, he claimed that he never planned on marrying me or anything of that nature and only said that to make me happy, this is an obvious lie because I was very careful to not push him to commitment seeing as though it was a problem the first time we dated, he was the one to suggest it. He was the one to admit his love in the first place. I have to save this relationship he is the most important person in my life. I just don't know how. How can I get him to understand that what I said was a mistake that was not aimed at him?

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2016):

"How can I get him to understand that what I said was a mistake that was not aimed at him?"

You can't.

Actions have consequences which are beyond one's control; you admittedly said mean and hurtful things to him and he responded accordingly.

You can't "get" him to understand that what you said was a mistake that was not aimed at him any more than he can "get" you to understand that this isn't all about you and you need to respect his very valid and legitimate feelings.

He has a right to be hurt and you are being extremely selfish to expect him to react the way you want or to forgive you on his terms.

Given your self-centeredness, your unwillingness to take "no" for an answer, and your refusal to accept sound advice you don't want to hear (you've posted at least once before), I suspect that this was not an isolated event but the last in a never-ending series of incidents that finally caused your ex to throw his hands up in despair and I can't say I blame him.

If you really love him then you would be accepting responsibility for the pain you caused instead of making excuses for yourself while finding ways to blame him. Otherwise, if you refuse to learn from this experience then you are bound to repeatedly repeat it in the future.

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A female reader, Honest-Lu United Kingdom +, writes (13 January 2016):

I think you need to give up! You’ve expressed how much he has meant to you and that you was sorry its now your turn to let him stew! If he doesn’t realise then you need to move on.

Good Luck!

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A male reader, Serpico United States +, writes (13 January 2016):

You gave him a test and it backfired on you. You did what you did - own it. My suggestion would be to apologize and promise never to pull something like this again.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (13 January 2016):

Honeypie agony auntI think the BEST thing you can do is STOP chasing after him trying to convince him HE was wrong to end it.

You have expressed what you feel in a letter etc. NOW give him time to digest it. And while you do that... no calling, no texting, no facebooking, or IM - NOTHING.. go absolutely no contact.

If he doesn't come around to the thinking that MAYBE he has lost something good in a relationship with you, there is NOTHING you can say or do to change his mind. And you will HAVE accept and respect that.

You are in the 18-21 age group, so maybe you still subscribe to the "fight for" a relationship - but trust me when I say ONE person "fighting" for a relationship is as pointless as Don Quixote and the windmills. (if you are familiar with the classic by Miguel de Cervantes)

The more you push for him to "take" you back or forgive you... the further you push him away.

Some relationships, just don't work long term.

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