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Should I go with the good guy or do I stay where I'm comfortable?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Cheating, Faded love, Long distance, Online dating<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (12 January 2016) 3 Answers - (Newest, 13 January 2016)
A female United States age 22-25, anonymous writes:

About a month ago, my life got a little messy. I have been in a faithful, committed relationship for four years. My boyfriend and I have an apartment together, we own three cats and a dog. We've had a long history. We've been through everything together. We're comfortable around each other, and we have an amazing sex life. But, the past wasn't so pretty. We argued a lot and the fights never seemed to end. It was overwhelming and most of all, tiring.

Well, my boyfriend of four years has been away for almost five months and through his entire absence, I've been staying home, working, keeping to myself, and keeping up with our apartment and animals.. Until about a month ago.

For months, I had been talking to a guy on facebook, we knew a lot of the same people and the conversations were always refreshing. Like one time, I got a new job, he messaged me to say congrats and I thanked him. He often would ask how ny day was, he kept it simple.

He knew I was in a relationship. He'd constantly tell me, "You're so beautiful, if you weren't in a relationship I would treat you so good."... Messages along those lines. But he always managed to remain respectful and never crossing the line. If anything it was petty flirting. I would always thank him and leave it at that.

Well, after conversing for months, in the spur of the moment, I decided to tell this guy that I thought highly of him, and that if I wasn't in a relationship, I would definitely love to see him. He would tell me how he could treat me so much better, he said all the right things. Anything a girl would love to hear, he said. And he spoke with such genuineness.

The conversation led to me giving him my phone number, where we began to text each other throughout the day. Mind you, I had already told him about me and my boyfriend.. But mostly how badly I think he treats me (that's a whole other story).

So after a day or two, we made plans to hang out and we did so. After days of hanging out, one thing led to another and we started to mess around. Long story short, weeks went by, I spent the holidays with his family. He was sleeping at our apartment.

Then he told me he loved me, and asked me to move in with him once he gets an apartment (which he's doing at the end of this month) but he asked me if I'd like to stay with him at his friends until then.

But my four year boyfriend is coming home at the end of this month. There's pros and cons to both men.

My four year boyfriend is funny, smart, easy to talk to, we have great sex, and a long history BUT has never worked, is lazy, controlling and has a horrible temper and treats me like a doormat.

My new guy has a good paying job, works hard, is the biggest gentleman I know, I can see that he truly loves me, he's funny, and just all around loving m but he is also very immature, the sex isn't that great, and we still have nit reached the comfort level that I've always felt with my four year boyfriend, also I'm not sure we have as much in common as my four year boyfriend and I do.

My question is, what should I do? Should I go with the good guy or do I stay where I'm comfortable? Either way someone's going to be hurt... And no one deserves the pain, so I'd rather cut one of the relationships off now. It's all my fault too..

So before judging know I am absolutely not proud.

View related questions: facebook, flirt, immature, sex life, text

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A female reader, Honest-Lu United Kingdom +, writes (13 January 2016):

To put this bluntly – you don’t deserve either of them!

But on another level, only you can make this decision. You need to tell your boyfriend who you have been with for four years the truth, yes it will hurt him but you cannot keep this from him! Also you both have been through so much together and know one another so do you really want to throw all that away for a guy you have not long been seeing to then find out later on in life he has bad habits too? Because this will happen! Not everyone is perfect there will be things you will find out with this current fling that you will feel the same as you do about your four year long boyfriends habits.

Good luck!

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A male reader, dougbcoll United States +, writes (13 January 2016):

dougbcoll agony aunt so you need to know if you need to stay with the long term lazy , controlling , never worked boy friend that sex is great with. or go with the new guy that works,is a gentlemen, that is loving immature, and the sex is not great.

well the bottom line is you cheated on boyfriend no.1 you test drove guy no. 2 to find out the sex is not that great. yes you are right neither guy deserves to be hurt, but you have allowed for one or both to be hurt.

so if you stay with your boyfriend were is the trust in the relationship? you cheated on him. how do you think that will make him feel? there will be pain and hurt from the actions of cheating no matter your choice of boys.

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A male reader, Serpico United States +, writes (13 January 2016):

Just to get the question straight -

You're asking if you should go back with your boyfriend after cheating on him, or if you should leave him for the guy your cheating on him with...right?

My take would be how do you square your cheating with both of them, rather than thinking about what outcome would be just best for you ...

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