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female
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anonymous
writes: I'm writing as I have nowhere else to turn, and this is probably a really stupid question.The spark went out with my husband, and yes, I ended up cheating. After a month, I realised my husband deserves better and ended the affair. However, despite loving him very much, we have not regained the spark and I am struggling to have sex with him. He struggles to turn me on, and I struggle to get turned on enough to have sex comfortably. I know it's psychological as this was not a problem during my affair.How can I get the spark back? I'm still in love with him and want to make my marriage work.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI lost the spark/attraction first, then the other man showed interest. I regret it and am glad it's over but I'm still stuck in a rut with my husband. I would love to go on dates but with two kids, sitters and money are tight. I know he deserves better than what I've been to him but at the end of the day, we've been very happy before now, and I still love and want to spend my life with him.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2010): Try to recapture the feelings you had when you met and fell in love. Did you lose attraction when you became attracted to the OM?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2010): You need to reassure him constantly to make it work. it will take time for him to get out of shock and forgiving and forgetting the heart burn. keep trying. it will take 1-2 years at minimum.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2010): Are you comparing your husband to your affair partner and finding he doesn't measure up and that's why you can't be turned on by him because now you have higher standards? Or have you always found him unattractive? do you have negative feelings toward him (negative feelings are a barrier to feeling intimacy)?
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male
reader, Odds  +, writes (5 October 2010):
 Foreplay starts when you wake up. Encourage him to be more assertive, confident, and dominant during the entire day. You need to, psychologically, see him as a powerful leader and protector. Your brain is hardwired to be most attracted to that type of guy; so, the more he can act that way, the more your instincts will kick in later that night.
For what it's worth, you really ought to tell him you cheated, though. It's something he deserves to know. Your choice, obviously, but just my two cents.
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male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (5 October 2010):
 Focus then on love itself and reconnect. Date each other again, return to the emotional place you once were in when you two were dating. After that love is reignited, the spark of your sex life will burn as hot if not a lot hotter than before.
I hope that helps.
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