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I want to leave my husband after 20 years of marriage but I have nothing! Any advice?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Marriage problems, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (9 August 2009) 5 Answers - (Newest, 29 May 2010)
A female United Kingdom age 41-50, anonymous writes:

me and my husband have been together for nearly 20 years and have 4 children. we have our own busissines, he works and i don't anymore as two of my children have learning difficulties. I feel as though i have given up my life for everyone else and have suddenly came to realise for absolutly nothing in return. My husband has been ill recently, i have took care of everything for the last 18 months and later discovered that i am not even in his will. Not that i care about the money, i would happly have done it all again if i had to out of love alone. My huband has become more and more abusive overt he last few months towards me and the children. I have no money of my own and no family near. The final straw came this evening at a family party (his family), when everyone was taking there seats, my husband sat down not leaving me anywear to sit and i was left standing like a lemon in front of eveyone so much so that 3 people got up and offered me a seat at there tabel, I felt so humiliated and embarised, if my children had'nt of been there i would have left. For my own sanity and my childrens future i want to leave but i have nothing, no money car or family what should i do?

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A female reader, sammi2011 United States +, writes (29 May 2010):

I believe you when you say that your husband has suddenly become abusive. My question is did he recently cut down or discontinue alcohol use, or long-time use of a prescription drug? Is it possible his blood pressure has skyrocketed or that he has developed diabetes?

In my experience, a man can suddenly become abusire after many years with no sign of an abusive nature-but there is usually some change in health or lifestyle that heralds this sudden change of nature.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2009):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I went to see my doctor and explained what was going on and she was really good and gave me a lot of advice. she gave me a number for a councelor (for my husband) and also some information on relate and said i can go to relate for myself. I told my husband that i did'nt want to leave and take his children away from him but i was not willing to be treated badly either and told him he need help. He took everything on board and listened, he is'nt sure about the councelor but is talking to me about his feeling for the first time ever! It is'nt easy and there is no quick fix but i feel a lot better about my future and my childrens future.

THANKYOU. x

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2009):

you are not alome- i have the same problem

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A reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2009):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Things still not going too well, it's my fault again. But i am strong and i know iam not to blame for his behaviour, i will give it some time and see what happens.

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A female reader, Sweet-thing United Kingdom +, writes (9 August 2009):

Sweet-thing agony auntSurely your husband's behavior is not a sudden development. I think he's always been a bit of a cad, and you allowed it because you focused your attention on raising your 4 kids, which no doubt took more time and energy. Meanwhile he's allowed to disregard you as his wife and somehow sees you as the maid, the nanny, anything but the lover/equal/wife. If I am half right, then his behavior will not chance over night either. I suspect his disregard for you is now annoying you because some of your kids are probably grown and you have (slightly) more time on your hands to take stock of the situation. Sit him down and have a frank discussion some morning over coffe when the kids are away. Tell him how you believe the two of you have slipped into some awful habits of not treating each other with respect (notice I said "we" because men respond better when they don't feel singled out for their behavior)...Then make some suggestions about how things could improve. It may take him awhile to warm up to the ideas you present, so be patient; and praise him when he gets a few things right. Change comes slowly to some people. If he doesn't budge, then you may need to find the nearest battered woman's shelter and move in until you can get a job, and some money to take care of yourself. I wish you the best.

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