A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:Im a 22 yr old female. I have 1 child. And am married. I want to know if im trying too hard to be a good mother. Im in the type of career that requires me to be away from my family a lot. Example im gone for this year overseas. I really try to give my child everything, within reason of course. I overspend on clothes for him. I havnt bought myself anything nice in quite a while. I cant seem to stop feeling like im a failure to him. I had him so young and was completely lost at that time and now im planning every step he makes. Is it normal? Should i feel guilt and in place spoil him? Should i make up lost time with gifts? Please help, im really feeling like a bad mother cause im gone. And i feel like a bad one by not spoiling him either. Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 + ♥, writes (17 October 2009):
 Spending time with your children is the most important thing.Buying them expensive things, or doting on them in other ways, like indulging their wants, rather than needs, is almost secondary.The job is killing your relationship with your son, and children do need to be there with their parents alot. Not so much in the teen years, but early years definitely.Being paid attention to by moms and dads, is important to a child. Boys want their moms around. Dads too. Being there as a family counts tremendously.I know its hard to juggle kids, a relationship and work. But you make time for kids. And you also make time for the other important things in your life.Planning your son's future is not unusual or overcompensating. Its very important to make decisions for your son that he can't make for himself right now. He's too young to make intelligent choices.Good luck, the concern and the question is important and tells everyone reading it how much you love your son. There's nothing wrong with that. Children are the future, and parents are very important and integral to that future.Plus, 20 years from now, you're going to crave that big sloppy bear-hug from your son. After all he is YOUR son. So he's always going to be special.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2009): Hi
You know, I was watching Oprah one day and there was this episode where a family that had just lost the mom to cancer was on and they were reminiscing on the last days with their mother. The parents had decided that they would do everything in their power to be together, so they planned a lot of trips etc for the kids, even Disneyland and all that jazz.
When Oprah asked the kids what was the moment with their mom they missed the most, the children (2kids, a son and a daughter) said that getting up early one day by mistake where all three of them had come together to 'steal' a bowl of cereals and then eating together at the kitchen table!!
You get my drift, right?
It is not the gifts that a child remembers, it is those little moments, and right now, you are sort of missing them. I understand that you want to help your child have a better lifestyle, and it is a real tragedy that we can't have the kid and the job (at least in most cases). Of course money is a necessity and I am not going to tell you to quit your job and spend time with your kid. After all, when it is time to send the child to college etc, it will be your responsibility to handle the financial aspect, right?
However, do not feel guilty and definitely do not overspend. Your kid is too young to have any real memory of you, right now, and buying things for him will give him the entirely wrong concept of love and your job.
Children are outstanding at spotting their parent's weak side and never hesitate from exploiting that, and you don't want the kid to tell you when he wants to stay late etc (against your wishes) that you weren't there when his teeth were coming etc.
Look, why don't you try to talk to your kid a little more, if it makes you feel easy, or try to devote entire time to your family when you guys are together. Also, tell your kid about your job, include him in your life (this is for posterity).
Also, when around, try to love him that much intensely... but please, no guilty-gifts.
And, you might want to make sure that your job is worth it.
And, yes, I like what TasteofIndia says. When under a tight spot always innovate.
Best of Luck
Love
...............................
A
female
reader, TasteofIndia + ♥, writes (17 October 2009):
 Well, what is your career, before we tell you to leave it? Are you with the military? Are a doctor going to foreign countries to open free clinics? Are you in the Peace Corps? Are you an archaeologist going on digs?
It's definitely important to think about your career, and if it's essential to WHO YOU ARE. Or, if you're making a huge difference in the world. If it's just some job that you're not crazy about anyway, maybe you ought to think about a career swap - but, this is a rough economical time and maybe that's not optimal for you. Well... think about it...
...............................
A
female
reader, Ask oldersister + ♥, writes (17 October 2009):
 I agree you are making a mistake- you only get to raise your child once but you'll work almost the rest of your life. I had a child in my early 20's and have stayed in sales many years, not taking promotions, so I would have the flexibility to work from home, set appointments according to my schedule so I didn't miss a single baseball game, karate tournament, violen performance, and was there for all of the practices and lessons. I am there every time he's sick and for every homework assignment he needs help on. I wouldn't trade that for ANY job and he wouldn't want a bunch of clothes or gifts to replace it. My father lived overseas and travelled all the time while I was growing up and although he was financially responsible and I got to see the world and got more x-mas presents than any kid I knew, we were never close. He is now 70 and trying to open up and have a closer relationship, it makes both my sister and I feel really awkward. I have 2 voicemales from him from yesterday and today and I'm hoping when I call back, my stepmom answers, seriously. I think you'll have a lot of regrets, I know he does but it's not too late for you!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2009): You are making a big mistake by not being present physically in your child's life day after day.
What job and financial security can replace seeing you child every day? You are succesfully building a distance between you and your baby.
There is a very good chance that he wil grow up and say to you, :but you were never there'
You know it yourself, that's why all these quilt trips.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2009): I agree I had a mom who worked multiple jobs and there was a period of years where I'd see her for maybe 5 minutes a day, she'd wake me in the middle of night when she came home from work to say she loved me. Whenever we were supposed to do stuff together it would always get canceled b/c of her work or I'd spend hours in the car while she just went in to check on work. Some people show love with stuff, with money they aren't good with the squishy emotional stuff. My mom now still doesn't know how to spend time with me at 28 she still rather just hand me some cash and when I want time with her, she assumes I am after money, which isn't the case. We were never rich despite all her working, but I would've rather done with even less and actually gotten to see her, to spend time with her! One thing you really want to do is talk to your son, see how he feels and what he thinks (I am not sure how old he is so maybe he'd not old enough yet in which case play with him) but you definitely want to learn how to talk to him, kids are pretty insightful at times, and if you really want to be a good mother, a great mother learning to listen no matter how hard what they are saying is to hear, is number one. No amount of stuff can replace you or compensate for your absences (family number 1 work comes later done the list of priorities), he needs time with you, kids really don't care that much about money, sure they might get a little sullen about not having the trendiest or the newest whatever but so what? No body needs all that crap anyways its a poor poor substitute for a strong emotional bond with a parent, you could be teaching him that stuff, money is more important that everything else. If you aren't good with showing affection in other ways, not sure how to play with your son so its easier to buy him a toy, acknowledge that and work on it, its so much easier to learn that when he's young and just happy to see you, then when he's older and built up years of resentment because you were never there when he needed you. A good parent admits their short-comings and never stops listening or working to improve.
...............................
A
female
reader, TasteofIndia + ♥, writes (17 October 2009):
Gifts don't make you a good Mother, love does. And it sounds like you really, really love your son. So get creative... send him fun postcards, pictures of yourself, thoughtful letters. Maybe he won't be able to understand all the words, but later in life he'll be able to read them and know how much he means to you.
With your money, why not start up a savings account for him and put it all towards his future? Maybe it doesn't com with a bow wrapped around it, but securing a good life for him will be an enormous gift that he will appreciate when he's older.
You sound like a great Mom, with a lot of love in your heart. But you don't need to spoil him, spoiling kids never ends well. It makes YOU feel better, but it's usually not the best thing for them.
Good luck!
...............................
A
male
reader, Red Green 0289 +, writes (17 October 2009):
I agree, children need attention, not stuff. A child needs love and to build a sense of security and bonding. Having beautiful cloths that are well made and high style will not replace a sense of comfort and well being.Also, your sense of self sacrifice is misplaced- your can't be a myrtar, and 'give up' all this for your child while you send home 'stuff'... it's not healthy for either of you.Seems like some serious consideration for what's best for this child may be in order. Are you in a situation where you simply can not provide for your child if you were able to be present for him? Or, are your pursuing a career for your own gratification and foresaking the child? Being a parent changes how one treats themselves... there are already too many children raised by nannys and screwed up for life. Let your child bond with you and not a FedEx box.
...............................
A
female
reader, Ginalolabridga  + ♥, writes (17 October 2009):
 I dont think any mother will disagree they want to spoil their first child, but rather with material things i would think love and attention and just beign there is more rewarding for you and the child.
Unfortunately we are not all blessed with a money tree in our back garden so we have to go earn our keep, and that is what your doing even though your job is taking you away form your child you are still providing for him.
I think you have to consider though that a child does not have to have everything money can buy and you seem to be doing without to give him?
I dont think that is wise because your child will learn that he just has to ask and he will get and i wants can be expensive to maintain.
Who looks after your child whilst your away?
If it is parents then you might need to consider a career change, because many will think your leaving a child with someone else rather than be with him, this may not be any fault of your own it is your job!
But it is equally demanding to the people whom you leave the child with so you also need to consider that too.
I would not be working to ply my child with everything i could afford, i would rather work for less money and be with the child!
You may need to consider changing jobs because you must be missing out on so much of his growing up, and many women have to do whatever their job requires travelling etc: but then it is your choice money or quality time spent with your son, less money and being with your child every day and every night.
Gina
...............................
|
